#70 Ex-Files: Reflecting on Past Dynamics and Lessons Learned

Have you ever wondered how a relationship from your past might have shaped who you are today? Join us for a heartfelt and revealing conversation as I reconnect with my ex, David, to reflect on our past relationship during our time in the Air Force. We take a nostalgic walk down memory lane, recounting the good times we shared and the evolution of our bond. Despite having different communication styles—my anxious attachment versus David's need for space—we remember our relationship fondly. Moreover, we offer insights into how relationship dynamics can continue to be misunderstood.

In this episode, we dive into the complexities of emotional and physical connections, sharing amusing anecdotes and discussing the impact of past significant others on current relationships. We explore how personal traits and societal norms around physical preferences can influence attraction and chemistry. From significant moments marked by miscommunication, especially around a memorable Christmas event, to the challenges of achieving deep intimacy, we lay it all out. Listen in for candid reflections, honest admissions, and meaningful discussions about attachment styles, personal growth, and the journey toward greater self-awareness. This episode is filled with laughter, nostalgia, and valuable insights into the intricacies of past relationships.

Chapters

• 0:00 Exes Reflect on Relationship and Intimacy
• 13:12 Reflections on Relationships and Attraction
• 19:57 Complexities of Past Relationships

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to the Straight from the. Source's Mouth podcast Frank talk about sex and dating. Hello everyone, tamara here, welcome to the show. As promised, I'm going to talk to another ex, and today's guest is my ex David, and we'll be talking about our past dating and sex lives. If you like this episode, be sure to tell your friends about it and rate it as well. Thanks for joining me, david.

Speaker 2: 0:24

Great to be here.

Speaker 1: 0:27

Yes, hopefully. And just for the record, for the last one, my ex-husband did ask if he could redo it because he felt bad, that he was a little mean. So I told him it's fine, whatever, it's already up. So we'll see how this second one goes. So my first question to get started like, what do you remember most about our time together? And it was a long time ago. But like, do you have?

Speaker 2: 0:54

Well, I'm sorry, can I ask? First, I'm just curious how long this series goes. I mean, am I I'm number two of of how many? Can I ask that I'm number two of how many?

Speaker 1: 1:04

Can I ask that? Sure, well, I've talked to one other at least. Well, two others who mentioned wanting to be on my podcast previously, like for whatever reason, they just like the idea. One was a guy I dated when I was doing stand-up comedy regularly and he went to my shows so he always thought it would be cool to be on and he kind of liked the idea of being talked about. Even I haven't asked him yet. I haven't asked the other one yet either. You are number two of potentially four and we'll see.

Speaker 2: 1:32

All right, I'm just curious. I'm ready, I want to win it.

Speaker 1: 1:37

Yeah, all right Back to the question then.

Speaker 1: 1:43

You asked me my memory, my main memory yeah, like I mean, what do you remember most? Like what do you like about us? Or that time I mean it was also like a long time ago. So, um, like they can either reflect on where you were at that time or where, how we were, or we can start from the beginning, like here to refresh the memory. I will just set the tone of where we were, we, we, you were. Either I was giving a briefing or we were both at a briefing, um on base, because we were air force, or I don't mention being in the military on this podcast, but whatever um, and then, like, we saw each other and then we. It took a while to actually talk again. I forget how we, when you had gone on a date with my friend and I always thought you were cute, and I forget how it even started.

Speaker 2: 2:39

Louise, yes, I remember seeing you at the gym and I do remember we had we had mutual acquaintances, mutual friends and I remember going out once or twice, but I remember it as a great relationship. I don't recall even how long it lasted, but it was more than you know, it was more than quickly and I thought it was fantastic. You know, if you recall, we fell into a rhythm of staying at your place primarily and dating, but also, you know, spending many nights together and I remember it was much of. It was over a winter, a stretch of winter and what was a pretty cold location, and it was just they're great times. I mean, I thought it was a great relationship. I hadn't had, like you know, some sort of extensive dating history by that time. I guess I was in my mid-20s, early 20s, mid-20s. I'd had a few serious girlfriends before that and you know I thought it was a good relationship and a lot of fun and very positive and a lot of fun and very positive.

Speaker 1: 3:43

Yeah, yeah, I mostly remember that too. There were, I think our communication style was maybe a little different, sometimes Like I wanted more communication and you had your times where you like needed your space and like less time together. And that goes back to I know I've talked about wanting to like share things for the listeners too, like attachment styles, because mine was an anxious attachment style. I wanted know I probably would have liked more time and my love languages are quality time and touch. We definitely handled the touch part and quality time when we were together. It was definitely quality, but, um, I think there were times where, like I wanted more communication, but that's.

Speaker 2: 4:23

But I definitely remember the good times too that's funny, you know, your, your whole I was. I heard your other, uh, I heard your episode with your ex-husband and you know the one of the main premises being change over time and I don't know. I mean, I feel like we, I feel like even talking about this now, 25 years later, or whatever it is it's, it's still. You're still prone to talk past each other a little bit. I mean I, you, you have different memories, I have different memories. I mean your, your complaints or or your observations are fair, that's for sure. But yeah, what I didn't see then, I'm not sure I even see it now, you know. So I mean I, you know you tell me, I mean you, you, you, your observations seem very fair.

Speaker 1: 5:06

Yeah, I mean it was, but I always thought of you as the one that got away. So I mean, obviously there was more positive than negative, for sure.

Speaker 2: 5:13

Well, just to just to go back and catch, catch up, catch the audience up on, on kind of the, the build to it, if I'm sure you you probably recall this that you know we had one or two dates and then it wasn't really going anywhere and um, and then, for whatever reason you know, one one night it got comfortable all of a sudden and we kind of fell into it and it was really great from then on or for for however long it lasted, which I don't know, it was something in what three, four, five months.

Speaker 1: 5:44

you know that kind of range yeah, actually I think it was longer than that. No, I was gonna say our first date. I remember our first day. Like you said, it didn't go really well. Like we went to a bar near your place and we went back to your place and you fell asleep and we were listening to a lot of music and I was just sitting on the couch while you fell asleep and I was like okay, and then I can't remember what we did the second time. But yeah, like you said, it was then we like.

Speaker 2: 6:06

Well, some of that's by design, I mean I've, I've always, you know. I mean most women, they like it if you hold back a little bit at first and you don't jump their bones immediately. Yeah, yeah, I mean, and also it's the right thing, it's ultimately the right thing to do also at least know to an extent I mean, they don't want someone that's too careful or too too cautious.

Speaker 1: 6:26

But yeah, yeah, I mean, you're left wanting more. But then, because of what, you fell asleep. I was like I wasn't sure, like I can't even remember how we got the second one man, you are coming at me with some detail.

Speaker 2: 6:38

Yeah, I mean I should have.

Speaker 1: 6:39

I should have really prepped for this some more well, and I don't really have like that creative memory either. It's just there's like certain ones that stand out because remember, if you remember this, we were sitting on my couch looking at my pictures and there was a picture of the two of us yeah, um, randomly, from four years ago you had, we were hanging at, my classmates and I were hanging out, and you could come by and like, saw a party, and you're like, hey, let me sit down. And you ended up like we literally had a picture. We were like what, here's the picture of the four or the two of us. And we didn't like you know, just random, you're a random guy that came over. So I just thought that was cool at the time watching that.

Speaker 2: 7:20

But yeah, so back to how great it was you were a little older than I was right yeah, yeah, it's like six years older I, I like that, I still like, I mean I I've always liked that uh, women who are a little bit more, uh, mature have some, you know, more life experience. I thought that was very, very sexy and I thought that was uh one that you know made the relationship go the, you know, as you and we went on several trips too.

Speaker 2: 7:48

We did Although you're going to say yeah, I would say that the, the, the physical part was amazing. You know, those are some real highlights. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing, but but the physical part was awesome. But the physical part was awesome. There was tremendous chemistry. We did go on a couple of trips and that that was actually one thing I don't think worked great. You know, I'm a little more. I don't know what it is I. You know, when we went on trips, I mean we slept at like two in the afternoon, if you recall.

Speaker 1: 8:23

Yeah, true, you did prefer to get out and do stuff. I remember the one hotel that had those blackout curtains so we had no idea how long we were sleeping.

Speaker 2: 8:32

At the time I'm thinking if I stick it out with this person, I'm not sure what my lifestyle is like. I'm not sure I can remain a functioning member of society.

Speaker 1: 8:48

Because we wanted to stay in bed all the time.

Speaker 2: 8:52

Yeah, I mean we tried to do some trips and it was like I'm not sure, I'm not sure how much of those locations we actually saw. But I mean I'm saying that somewhat tongue in cheek, but at the time, at the time it was kind of a head scratcher yeah, yeah, I mean, yeah, good point.

Speaker 1: 9:05

Yeah, I do remember, like I remember the. You were like what it's two o'clock because of the blackout curtains, but I remember well, for me I liked it because it was my quality time thing. So we're sitting next to each other on the plane while we get there, we're like staying in a hotel together. So of course, I just remember all that part of it, like just being close to you and being having quality time. So that was enough for me, like I've always been someone like I don't care what I'm doing, I don't have to be doing anything as long as I'm with the person I'm with.

Speaker 2: 9:32

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 9:33

So yeah, I can lend to not getting out as much. Well, good.

Speaker 2: 9:40

Yeah, yeah, I know, and I think that's some. Maybe that's something that guys struggle with and I I struggle with with it. You know, you you want to be in a relationship that's intimate, that's close, that's comfortable. But I know that from my perspective, I also want to be in a relationship where the other person has other diversions, other hobbies maybe is one way to put it other interests, so that there isn't this intense, so that the I carry for that person's happiness is not so great. So you know, at this point in my life I'm starting to think about, you know that, that codependency or dependency within a relationship. And how healthy is it really to put so much focus on the other person and all the qualities, or lack thereof, of the relationship?

Speaker 1: 10:47

No, yeah, you definitely make good points on that and that's something I used to struggle Well, like, yeah, I guess probably why I haven't been in relationships too much lately. I definitely have that habit, or had that habit, of putting all my emphasis on the guy and talking about the relationship nonstop, especially to friends who get really annoyed by that. But now that I have a podcast and I used to do stand-up comedy and I have many other things in the gym and friends, but, yeah, when I really like someone, I want to which is not advised put all my focus and shut everyone else out and only focus on the person and I definitely don't do that more. But, yeah, that's a good point. It's not necessarily the healthiest. And I do remember one other reason you weren't sure about us long term because you were like you weren't sure if I would get along with your friends or if I would fit in with your world of friends or friend world.

Speaker 2: 11:40

Yeah, it's probably dysfunctional, but I end up attracted to women and getting involved with women. Usually that are a break from they're different and they're a break from this other life I have with my old friends and I don't know why that is. It's probably not for the best. It's probably largely my own problem on some on some level, but that's not just you specifically, I think. I think I do that habitually.

Speaker 1: 12:14

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, people have their patterns, like you know. It's not necessarily like their type or their pattern. And it goes back to I know we talked about this the Imago three, which I mentioned on the ex-husband podcast, where you're drawn to people for certain reasons and then it could be, you know, it's not going to work. So that's why you're drawn to the person, because you're afraid of commitment.

Speaker 1: 12:34

So, pick ones that probably wouldn't work, but yet I never met them, so we wouldn't know. Yeah, I could have been like, but yeah, I mean, and I was always, because you were always, like you're saying before, you didn't want me to be the focus, and yet I was trying to have you be my focus. So your responsibility, you felt kind of had you pull away and then that brought my anxiousness and my neediness out more. Um, because you were soon after my ex-husband like um, well, like a year or two later. So I was still in that mode, pre-landmark, where I was extra needy.

Speaker 1: 13:12

So, yeah, and I can never like the physical stuff was definitely good, but I could never like feel it close, close like my first boyfriend where I had, um, like the kind of orgasms where I, where I was like like adding her piece to talk about this. Once you have that of like the amazing chemistry orgasm where you can't let the guy go, and it took me two years to get over him. So I've never let myself get like, unless I'm sure that the other person is into me, I can't like let us let go as much. Physically, granted, it was still amazing, like you said, but like, emotionally, orgasmically, I couldn't quite be as close yeah, well, you, you, you, you said it.

Speaker 2: 13:54

I mean, there's people can sometimes, sometimes that's the appealing thing, at least initially, is that there is a little bit of a distance. It seems safer somehow and maybe this is more of a guy thing. I thought what was initially very attractive, I still. I still feel this to an extent. You know, I think you're somewhat of an opaque person, in that there's more than there's more to, there's more than meets the eye. You know there's there's so many interesting things going on sort of behind the first impression.

Speaker 1: 14:28

I think, that's very attractive for both positive and negative reasons yeah, I have people tell me all the time like, especially having done stand-up, like they're like when they meet me in person, they could never in a million years guess that I would have done that, because I speak quietly. I was telling someone just yesterday. He said hi, and I said it back, but he's like hello, and I'm like I said it. He's like I didn't even hear you and I'm like, yeah, I used to do stand-up where I had a microphone in front of my mouth and to say that I was like the low talker from seinfeld and all the stuff about trailing off at the end, like so actually I need to add him to the list. I haven't asked him yet, but he's another good one to have on.

Speaker 2: 15:11

That's starting to happen to me now. I think at this point in my life I I'm so right, I'm so, I'm living in my head so much that if people approach me to talk without any warning, I can hardly get words out. But hey look, for my part, I had orgasms, no problem whatsoever. They were full up orgasms 100%.

Speaker 1: 15:37

Yes, I do remember that yes, I do remember that.

Speaker 2: 15:45

Uh, cold nights at your apartment, night after night, were, quite frankly, one of the highlights of my entire relationship history yeah, I do, I remember because, um and I, I did.

Speaker 1: 15:58

I like sleeping by the side, away from the room in England where we were. The heaters are right next to one side, so I slept on the opposite side, but then my alarm clock was over there, so I always had to reach over you to get the alarm set.

Speaker 2: 16:11

Every time you adjusted your alarm clock, we made love.

Speaker 1: 16:17

Yes, because I had to hover over you to reach it.

Speaker 2: 16:22

Yeah, it was fantastic.

Speaker 1: 16:23

We can keep going on along this vein, or I was going to bring up something else.

Speaker 1: 16:27

No, no, let's not keep going along that vein, cause it'll get completely out of hand all right, well, and it's like it's totally unrelated, but I know like I was like you used to think you preferred short women and I was taller than you normally dated and I used to always tout the the loveliness of a tall woman yes, with the long legs and all the things or whatever so and I was always like happy that I took you away from your normal type. But then of course you ended up marrying a short girl.

Speaker 2: 16:54

So I guess Ed was short-lived, my normal type is a petite brunette, you know, maybe some kind of Mediterranean features, dark features, and you are not that. But yeah, you should be proud of your ability to represent that demographic. You know, I mean, it's all good you did break me out of that habit and I went willingly.

Speaker 1: 17:27

Yeah, I mean, obviously it's still your type of the shorter thing. But for a short while you were all about taller girls. Yeah, Agreed, I mean, and that's the thing in society. Like like there was a guy I went out with a few times and I was like, yeah, it's so weird that like super tall guys end up with short girls. He's like, well, it's like the two ideals get together. Women want tall men and men want short women. So of course they're going to get together. But it's just like so baffling to me their parts don't match. Like why would you want to stoop down and like get up and like break your back to kiss each other and touch each other? And, grandma, you're laying down. Maybe it's better, not that you're like overly tall, but I mean you're fairly tall, we have no issues. Um, exactly because we were the right height uh, yeah, I mean it's uh I.

Speaker 2: 18:16

I can't say that you cured me um, but you, you certainly opened my eyes all right, I'll take that.

Speaker 1: 18:23

I will take that all right. So, like what, what? Well, I guess we kind of talked about this. I was gonna ask, like what worked and what didn't. But I mean, I you kind of if you feel like you already answered that you don't have to unless there's more to say.

Speaker 2: 18:36

Um, I don't know it's complicated, I mean it's it was. It was, uh, you know good chemistry um the right time for both of us, uh, to have a, have a relationship.

Speaker 1: 18:48

It was great I do remember my parents were coming out to visit me and I was, like, wanted you to meet them and at first you said no, and then you showed up because I I used to play crud. For those that would not understand what this is, it's like football around a pool, a pool table, kind of like a very physical sport Mostly guys play and I really love it and I played it and I was at my mom my parents come watch me in action playing the game. And then you were. Then you were, you showed up to the club where we were playing the game and I think you ended up talking to him before I officially introduced you, like he said hi or something.

Speaker 2: 19:24

Oh, I'm great with parents. Yeah, I'm better with parents than I am the the woman.

Speaker 1: 19:30

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 19:31

Always have been.

Speaker 1: 19:35

Yeah, so yeah, I don't know what else. I feel like there's something more we should talk about, or is that kind of like?

Speaker 2: 19:39

I mean we can talk about it's terrible, but we can talk about the end.

Speaker 1: 19:44

Yeah, I mean. Well, all right, so I remember how you remember it. Who wants to go first?

Speaker 2: 19:50

Well, I mean, I think it goes along with some of the things we're talking about in your last X-Files episode. You know, like a lot of young guys who are not officially committed. You know, I went missing in action for a weekend to, you know, meet up with another girl. It wasn't like a very intense thing, it was more of like a curiosity thing, Like here's this other girl, Let me, let me meet this other girl real quick. I don't know, I don't recall how committed we were. You can probably tell me better than I could then and now. But you know, I did the idiot thing and disappeared one weekend and and you were rightfully suspicious of it, and you know, I think, I think things kind of went downhill from there. There wasn't like an explosion, but whatever it ended yeah, well, it was kind of more.

Speaker 1: 20:41

It was like more off and on than that. But so, for context, christmas morning was when you had a date and left like um, this, there's a couple of these yeah, I mean, you said, come over for Christmas Eve, my friend was dating your friend and roommate, so it worked out. The four of us met up Christmas Eve and then Christmas morning you're like okay, time to go, and I was like huh, and so that was very traumatic for me. And the first time I ever saw a therapist was Christmas, when I called Um, and then I saw her a few days later but um, yeah, so and I'm starting to tear up about that, so apparently affected me. Um, but yeah, she was a great therapist, so worked out. Um, but, yeah, so I was.

Speaker 1: 21:24

And you, you didn't tell me until years later that you had a date. Like I thought it was like something with your mom or something, you know, some kind of memory, some kind of issue where you had to like duck out. So that was. And then, um, a friend of mine was like oh, you should break up with them. Was, give me all this advice.

Speaker 1: 21:40

And then turns out, as soon as I broke up with you. He like hit on me. So I was like what the so then? So then I came back to you. I was like I don't know if we should break up, because this guy tried to say we should break up. And then he, he hit on me. So, yeah, the very, very end, the very very end was me leaving town, like I was moving to a new base and I was staying with you for the last few weeks while I was moved my stuff out of my apartment, and then another girl was interested in you and you were going to see her after I left. But I was like, just wait till I leave. So it was very off and on and interesting, yeah. So I mean, I don't know if that, the one you recall, was the christmas thing or a different weekend no, I'm talking about that christmas thing.

Speaker 2: 22:21

Yeah, I'm talking about that christmas thing. It was just cavalier. You know it's a typical thing, um, being cavalier with, uh, something that is probably much more serious to the other party. You know it's irresponsible, but there you go.

Speaker 1: 22:37

Yeah, yeah, and it definitely took you a while to admit that it was just a date. And then I ran into your friend from back then. It was like the craziest thing In the Pentagon. We were taking this class together and I was like, yeah, david just told me he's like, yeah, he's like I knew. I went to your house asking him and he's like I don't know, but he knew and just wouldn't tell me. So, bro, code, have not telling the chick. But yeah, so yeah. And then, um, yeah, so that was really, I mean, we still communicated over the years and obviously we are still in touch now. So it's not like all bad and we have and, like I said, we both have positive memories, more good than bad memories, I would say.

Speaker 2: 23:19

Yeah, I don't, you know. I certainly you know you didn't do I'd be. I don't think you did anything wrong. I think I listened to the episode, the last episode with your ex-husband. I mean I don't, I don't think you have much to apologize for there either. Uh, you know, you're a very, you're a very decent person. I mean maybe maybe a little too hard on yourself. You know, uh, the way of the world is. You know, guys are a little bit uh cavalier and then maybe just the matchup is just doesn't have legs.

Speaker 1: 23:53

Yeah, I know we um, oh and then like men are not not always, like they're avoidant and anxious attachment styles and it seems like and as an anxious person I generally attack like attract avoidant types. Like that's just how it works. You kind of go push and pull back and forth and my, my neediness was making, maybe it was making you more avoidant than you were normally.

Speaker 2: 24:17

Yeah, I don't know, tamara, I don't think you give yourself enough credit. I wonder if you give yourself enough credit. You're a cool person. Relationships are complicated. I don't envy your job here on this podcast. It's very complicated and elusive.

Speaker 1: 24:35

Yeah, I mean, I read all the things and try to share the wisdom that I learned. So, um, and you know, I've learned a lot over the years and like, like we talked about, this was a while ago, so pre-landmark, like I always say, because that definitely was life-changing for me and just learning that, you know, and that's maybe that's where I started, um, taking more responsibility, like almost too much responsibility for the past issues. But, um, yeah, any parting words, no it was great to talk.

Speaker 2: 25:05

I've been wanting to do this uh show um since I learned about it, since I learned you were doing it. It's a great show, um. It's great to be here, it's great to talk to you and I'll look forward to the results of this x files competition. You know, if there's a runoff, let me know. And I'm not sure about this guy getting a redo, by the way, that seems.

Speaker 1: 25:25

That seems a little sketchy yeah, he's not, like he had his chance and he said just to clarify he said that like all the stuff was bubbling up, kind of like when I was crying earlier, is starting to cry earlier about the christ. Said that like all the stuff was bubbling up, kind of like when I was crying earlier, is starting to cry earlier about the Christmas thing, like all these feelings were welling up for him of those times and I was definitely hard on him. So that's um, yeah, I mean he always said I made up for it too. Oh, and I did.

Speaker 1: 25:50

I really remember one thing I used to like write you cards and like drop off, like you like this, I forget, forget if it's thin mints, one of the cookies, and I would like just drop it at your doorstep. And I do all this like sweet stuff that I hardly ever do or have done since then. Like I don't even remember. I'm like there was one other ex that I did that with. I was engaged the first before and never got married. I would send him cards too. I don't know when that stopped for me. It's been, it's been a minute. I forgot I used to do it. So I mean I guess no one does cards anymore anyways, but it's all electronic but um it's a very nice thing to do, I don't know why.

Speaker 1: 26:23

Yes, I know you seem to appreciate it at the time. All right, well, it's probably not probably not.

Speaker 2: 26:31

That's my bad, that's my loss.

Speaker 1: 26:34

You probably faked it well enough to make it seem like you liked it at the time. I don't know, all right. Well, I don't know, I don't know what, how to end this Like. What do you? I mean? I guess you kind of said your parting words of you want to, you like the show and thank you for that.

Speaker 2: 26:50

Yeah, it's interesting. It's interesting to explore something decades later like this, and I look forward to hearing the next episode.

Speaker 1: 26:57

All righty. Yes, I have a few good ones lined up More talk from sexology person and some other coaches and stuff Sounds good Coming up in between my ex-files, all right. Well, thank you for being on. If you like this episode, be sure to tell your friends about it and rate it as well, and like and subscribe and follow and all the words. All right, thanks again everyone. Thanks David.