#71 Keep the Spark Alive! Navigating Marriage, Parenthood, and Intimacy

Ever wondered how to keep the spark alive in a long-term marriage? Sandy joins us to share her invaluable insights on maintaining a fulfilling sex life, even through life's major shifts like post-pregnancy and perimenopause. Learn how understanding and aligning love languages such as touch and quality time can make a significant difference. Sandy's personal stories highlight the importance of open communication and mutual acceptance, even when personalities are very different, emphasizing the need to prioritize the marital relationship for a strong family foundation.

Next, we tackle a topic that often makes parents uneasy—discussing sex and bodies with kids. We break down the importance of open and honest conversations about puberty, privacy, and sexual health. Personal anecdotes illustrate how being a trusted adult can guide young people through these sensitive topics, and the role of older siblings in providing consistent, supportive advice. Our aim is to make these discussions less daunting and more natural, fostering a healthier approach to sexual education within families.

Finally, Sandy and I dive into the nitty-gritty of relationship communication and intimacy. Discover how early experiences shape our sexual preferences and interactions later in life. Sandy shares the necessity of expressing desires and boundaries to keep the sex life exciting and healthy. We also explore the role of therapy and how embracing the imperfect aspects of intimacy can actually strengthen your bond. Listen for practical advice on finding the right partner and navigating the challenges of dating apps, ensuring you don't waste time on the wrong matches. Don't forget to share this episode with your friends and give us a five-star rating—your support means the world to us!

Chapters

• 0:00 Sex and Dating
• 13:09 Parental Sex Education Discussions
• 20:17 Relationship Communication and Intimacy
• 29:01 Finding the Right Partner

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to the Straight from the Source's Mouth podcast. Frank talk about sex and dating.

Speaker 2: 0:06

Hello everyone, tamara here again. Welcome to the show. Today's guest is Sandy, and we'll be talking about her great sex life and how to make that happen, or how she does. At least. If you like this episode, be sure to tell your friends about it and rate it as well. And thanks for joining me, sandy. Sure, thank you. So we can either jump right into it and then get started. On the part we mentioned Um, like I know we talked earlier, we met, we met recently, but um, we hit it off at our function and um like to talk about the same kind of stuff. So why do you think, um? You had mentioned that you guys pretty much have sex every day and I was like saying how that is very not common.

Speaker 1: 0:44

for most couples he's a left leg below the knee, not someone I would have dated, just personality wise I think. But I was getting out of F and eight and a half years relationship and he kind of came along and I was looking for fun, which 18 years later is still fun. And then, yes, we got married about two years into us meeting, yeah, almost exactly, he proposed a year and a half in and we got married. We've always we did the whole love language test, which I'm a big advocate of. I'm a big advocate of taking that test with anyone friends, family, parents, kids. I think it's really important to find out what that other person, how they give and receive love. Just so happens that he is touch and quality time, and so am I.

Speaker 2: 2:02

So am I, by the way.

Speaker 1: 2:03

That helps. And like when I tell people that they're like, ooh, you know, that's sex. And I said you know, it's not personal, it's, it's a hug right, it's a hug when you need it. It's, it's, it's a, it's, it's a touch, it could be a grab on the ass, but I it's more of a, just the affection, just the showing of that. And that's how I have been too. My dad's always been a hugger, my mom not so much. She didn't come from that, I don't think my dad did either. How he turned out that way, I don't know.

Speaker 1: 2:41

I'm really affectionate with my kids too. I like to give them hugs, and I have an 11-'re. I have an 11 year old boy and a 14 year old daughter. So, uh, they're both kind of pushing me away right now, but I tell them it's what I do anyway. So they're going to have to live with it. Um, but, josh, and, and even after having babies, um, hormones are crazy. I was nursing Um. I couldn't wait for the six weeks to be up and I could, you know, get it on quick, even though it was not fun.

Speaker 1: 3:20

I felt like I was going back to when I was 16. But we've always had this very open communication too. Which I feel is really important in a marriage is understanding that love language, understanding the fact that ours are the same, which is great. We're very different, personality wise. I'm very outgoing and social. He's very introverted. We're very accepting of each other, which I think is is important. And also, as you're growing right. So he met me and I was 25. This is not the 25 year old body that he met. So things have changed. Gravity took place and even now I'm 44 and I apparently just started perimenopause and I'm learning all about that now, because that completely changes a woman too.

Speaker 1: 4:18

Not totally all the time, but I've always had a really high sex drive. I was never really into like drugs or drinking. I was into boys and that could have been really problematic if I wasn't safe. Um, but I was always very curious about sex my my whole life. I porn and and masturbation, like all of those things. It was just so fascinating to me. I was really curious. I found my parents, like you know, stupid porn video things in between their mattress, like I knew where they hid everything and I was just. I just wanted to find out.

Speaker 1: 5:01

Now, fast forward, I have a 14 year old daughter and I'm very open with her too. Um, I have my limits with her, obviously, but, um, I'll tell her like, hey, I know you're not stupid, like you're going into high school and you probably, she probably knows way more than I do anyway, um, but I think a lot in in me personally. I've always had that sex drive, so it's been helpful, um to keep that alive. I am very much an instigator, so, um, he should be lucky. I tell everybody, um, because I, I am, I'm, I'm just like, as soon as these kids. Of course we do it with the kids in the house, um, and we've all.

Speaker 1: 5:49

But we've always prioritized us. I love my kids, I've since day one, but we've always made sure that us and our um, that our foundation is strong. Because if, if our foundation isn't strong and our foundation isn't on fire, then the rest of it is is going to fall apart. I mean, we have a lot of friends who have sexless marriages, um sleep in separate rooms. No judgment, I mean, to each his own. If it works, it works. But, um, I told him I would, I would die the day he chose not to touch me.

Speaker 2: 6:27

Yeah, well, and I know experts do say that you should put your relationship first so kids can see like what a loving relationship looks like and then they strive to have the same kind of thing when they grow up and everyone has healthy relationships that way, instead of trying to act like, especially in, like sex, sex being taboo and bad and all that. Yeah, so it's like you know, a healthy sex life, a healthy everything.

Speaker 1: 6:48

And my daughter um, we, we closed the door and we lock it. Well, if we try to every time and now you know we're we're encountering ages where our kids used to go to bed earlier. So, you know, eight, 30, nine o'clock it was game on because the kids were in bed, the house quiet. We have a one floor house but we have a split level right. So my kids are on one side, we're on the other, but now they're older so they stay up later. But I need to still get up and go to work. So I'm like, well, I'm not going to wait until they're sleeping. So, um, not like I'm swinging from the rafters and screaming my head off. But I locked the door and there was one time and I was probably like last year, maybe, maybe the year before that Um, my daughter came, meant 10, 10, 10, 30 at night, was jiggling the doorknob.

Speaker 1: 7:40

I'm like, nope, um. So the next day I told her. I said, hey, listen, you know when the door's locked, the door's locked and she's like you gross. And I said, hey, be happy that your parents are still doing it, because we could be fighting or divorced. So I said you know, if that's the worst, you gotta worry about it. I said, charlotte, we're not, you know, going to be doing that, but, um, so I think a part of it for for for her, what like? It's just like. Hey, listen it, that's what it is.

Speaker 2: 8:15

And we closed the door and that's you know the healthy thing adults do, yeah. So how do you think? How do you think you were like? Did you were you raised where it was like your parents were the same way? Or it was just more your curiosity?

Speaker 1: 8:30

Okay, yeah, Well, not as vocal. My mom was just like don't come home pregnant, Um, and I'll never forget. She looked at me and, and, and I was helping her do something, and she's like are you having sex? I was like, yes, and she's like, all right, we're going to the doctor. And I did. She put me on the pill when I was 16. She wasn't like she was encouraging it, but her and my dad are high school sweethearts and they've been together since she was in 10th grade and she's like, hey, I know what we were doing. So it wasn't there. There was an encouragement. There was just a reality. There was a safety about everything. She liked to scare the shit out of me all the time about, like STDs and pregnancy being raped. I mean, I had like all the talks.

Speaker 1: 9:15

Um, my parents were, were pretty active. Um, I hate it. I, I.

Speaker 1: 9:23

I grew up in an 800 square foot house. It was three bedrooms, one bathroom. Um, I shared a wall with my parents. Uh, no, I, I. That's why we have the house we do now, because I vowed that I would never want to share a wall with my kid, because, um, there were times where I slept with pillow. They thought I was sleeping, I slept with the pillow and the fingers in the ears, Cause I was I mean, I wasn't like I was younger, obviously Um. So, uh, I grew up.

Speaker 1: 9:54

I grew up with that Um. You know, seeing that, seeing that love, uh, my parents were never like super affectionate in front of us. I definitely kissed my mom goodbye before he left, but there wasn't. My husband and I were always not like like grossly groping each other, but we're, we're always hugging each other and, like you know, just holding the, we hold hands where we go, we kiss all the time throughout the house and like we're floating in the pool the other day with the kids and I was holding on to him and I just I don't know, I never wanted it to be taboo. I always wanted, I still want them to both come to me, um, and be able to talk about it.

Speaker 2: 10:40

Yeah, and that just reminded me how, like what do you say? I mean, I, I know you were, said you were open with her, but like, what age? Or how did how did you have the talk for the people that are too afraid to have the talks with their kids?

Speaker 1: 10:55

Fifth grade. They have the talk in school be birds and bees and STDs apparently. So I find that very funny. So I, I, and right before they did that talk, I wanted to tell them how babies were made. So I went to the library I got a book. It was great, it was a picture book, page 28. I'll never forget page 28 because you flipped it over and it blatantly said the man gets on top of the woman, puts the penis in the vagina. And both of my kids were mouth the, mouth drop, you know kind of thing. And I was like all right, so any questions, say there are about 10. My well, my daughter was.

Speaker 1: 11:40

We had went to Amsterdam, my husband and I, and we were talking and obviously we know Amsterdam is pretty, pretty free. But what I find fascinating in Amsterdam, the Netherlands itself, is that they start to teach sex at four. But it's not sex. They start to teach about touch and comfort. Do you like to be hugged? Who do you like to be hugged? By? How long do you like to be hugged? We're talking about boundaries, we're talking about comfort, which I think is super important. I do, I think is super important, yeah, I do. Um, then they have a museum, um, in Amsterdam that is only for ages I don't know, my, I could be wrong 10 to 18. I could be wrong, but um, and only kid only that those ages. Only one day of the year can anybody over the age of 18 go in Um and it's all interactive and it's all on drugs, drinking and sex. And I find that fascinating because, um, there was a study. We were talking with a lot of people there and they said there was a study done um with uh teens in the Netherlands between the ages of 15 and 17 and how, what their experience was, um for their first time sexually, and 80% of them said that it was pleasurable, they felt safe, it was fun. 20% of the US between the ages of 15 and 17 said that.

Speaker 1: 13:09

So when we found this out, my husband had turned to me and he's like why aren't we found this out? My husband had turned to me and he's like what are? Why aren't we teaching this? So I came home and immediately told my son, um, how babies were made. And it was like a few months before, you know, before he turned 10. Um, and he was like okay, um, and I I tell them both.

Speaker 1: 13:29

You know, I've had the conversations where you know you're you're going to, your bodies are changing. If you ever feel like you know we're, we're coming to the ages where maybe we need more privacy. You know doors get closed. We don't open doors without knocking. You know, this is a point like and I make everything normal, right, I've. I've told my daughter like, and she was scared to use tampons, she was scared to use tampons. I'm like hey, listen, explore yourself. It's your body and before you let anybody else explore it or figure it out, you know at first, you know what feels good, what doesn't feel good, how they. I said and and she, you know they're there, You're going to get that backlash from a kid, but, um, I found that to be huge. Just say it, you're going to get that from your kid. There might be some kids who will ask questions. Mine go, which is fine because at least I said it and I leave it open for them to come back.

Speaker 2: 14:27

Yeah, yeah, cause. Yeah, I've just heard the like you said about the 20% in the U? S. I just have to comment on that. Like, I've definitely heard a lot of people just want to get over with and they didn't like necessarily like the first person they were with and I regularly think, whatever, my first boyfriend was someone that you know, I did all the things with him, but I he was the only one and like I learned everything from him. Yeah, so I didn't have that experience of just like losing your virginity in the back seat just to get it over with and like and then not liking sex because it didn't feel good and yeah, like that's way too common it is, and I'm hoping that I can with both, and I have a boy and a girl, so, um, I'm hoping I can do that with both of them and at least be there if they have questions.

Speaker 1: 15:15

And I'm not going to always be there for everything, I'm not going to always be able to try to explain it, but, um, there might be times where I can't. And, uh, there's books and things. You know that, that book that I had for the kids, I wish I remembered what it was. Um, it was great though.

Speaker 2: 15:33

Beginning to end, yeah Cause. The other thing that makes me think of is the double standard. Um, you know, like boys are taught like, oh, I have all the fun, and then girls are labeled it's. I don't think it's as much nowadays, but, um, you know, just because you have a boy and a girl like, or do you see yourself teaching them differently, or having having them both have the same patterns, and what are your thoughts on the that?

Speaker 1: 16:16

come to you instead of me on on things, and I want you to be the bigger sister and to, to, to, to use the opportunity to teach him how to treat women and how to be gentle and kind and and honest and communicating. I said, I know, if he comes to me, great, I'm prepared to have that conversation, Um, but if he doesn't, I need, I need you to to step up as the big great. I'm prepared to have that conversation, Um, but if he doesn't, I need, I need you to to step up as the big sister. I'm a big sister too. So, um, and and be there to explain it. Um, I um, my 17,.

Speaker 1: 16:45

Well, no, she was 17. Now she's 30, but, um, when she was 17, my aunt never explained anything to her, she just figured. She learned on her own. She was very naive, didn't have a whole lot of friends, just kind of, you know, smart, did her own thing, but she didn't know anything. She got a boyfriend, she was 17. And I'll never forget my parents had a hot tub and we're outside and we're sitting there and I'm eight years older than her and she looked, she asked me and she looked at me and she goes Sandy, I have to ask you something, and I said, okay, she goes well. I have a question about blow jobs, and I said, oh, all right, yeah, I have a question about blowjobs.

Speaker 1: 17:35

And I said, oh, all right, yeah, sure she goes. Do you put the penis and the balls in your mouth? And I was like, oh no, we have to. I can't like. Well, if you can, I'm just kidding. Um, so, and she, she didn't know what one looked like either.

Speaker 1: 17:48

So I went and Googled and here I am, again, eight years older than her, and I Googled. You know, not not a scary picture, I'm just trying to look for a decent picture. I don't want to trick you and I don't want to. So I did, and I and I had the conversation with her. And I had the conversation with her and I guess, like a couple months ago, my aunt, who is now 60, said to me well, you're just better at that. And I said, well, you didn't do it, so I wasn't going to let her flounder. I mean, she was 17. It's not like she was 12. You know, if she was 12, then I might've been like well, maybe you need to have a conversation with your mom or another trusted, but at the same time I was the trusted adult. So it's, it was, it's tricky, but I vowed. I'm like I will never let my kids flounder like that.

Speaker 2: 18:42

Yeah, and I know like school teaches. I was listening to something recently I can't remember, where schools definitely teach the fundamentals of getting pregnant, but they don't teach like the relationship side of it or the loving side of it or you know, they just teach the mechanics of it, or at least they used to.

Speaker 1: 18:59

I don't know if they do and they don't what. The mechanics and that's, that's it, and STDs like that's really. There's a giant focus on that which is great.

Speaker 1: 19:05

I mean, show all the gross pictures. Is it biologically going to keep a kid from doing something? I don't think so, but scary for a little bit. But I definitely want to be the one to teach my kids, like what what pleasure is, and whether it be yourself with yourself. You know, I always grew up. I mean it was funny because my one of my friends and I were having a conversation about girls, you know, masturbating at this age and someone said you know, do you think we should get him a vibrator? And I said no, I don't. And I said here's the thing. I said I think we all need to double click our mouse and figure that out on our own, manually, because there's not always a magic vibrator around and I, as an adult, I have a whole goody box of things, but manually I'm good, I'm good, I don't need anything, yeah.

Speaker 2: 20:08

Yeah, that is ideal Cause, like like you said, especially in the military, you can't always have Middle East.

Speaker 1: 20:14

No, I mean, it's not something you're just going to like keep in your purse.

Speaker 2: 20:17

I mean, I know they make them that small nowadays, um so, yeah, literal tutorials and videos, and I have like an affiliate link on my on the descriptions of each of my podcasts, but and it's very cheap for the for like a lifetime membership, but, um, it's literally videos and stuff and, um, where was I going with that, except for, yeah, I've heard of people doing it like really young ages, and there's all these examples of like oh, I used to do this and have you done that? And I'm like no, like I didn't know, like I guess like little kids, and I think someone like close to me, I know, did this as well, like kind of like rubbing, like laying on your stomach and rubbing a certain way with toys or things, and I was like, oh, I had no idea Like I was. I feel like I missed out.

Speaker 1: 21:08

Like pillows and teddy bears. Yeah.

Speaker 2: 21:11

Yeah, I never even tried or thought of it. That's also part of like the marriage thing too, right?

Speaker 1: 21:41

Um, we're married for 16 years and I feel like a large part of it is having that conversation with your spouse, being able to being able to openly say like hey, I like this, or I want to try that. Um can get yourself in trouble, yeah, you can't, cause there's a lot of things to try that. Um can you get yourself in trouble? Yeah, you can, cause there's a lot of things to try. Um, but um, again, having the open communication, um, and sometimes it's not both of us. Um, I believe in therapy too. Um, you know, if you both can't get to where you, where you want to be, maybe seeing a sex therapist or um cause I think we're, we're, we're not so open, we're more ashamed of of things that interest us, right, there are things that excite us. Um, my husband and I have been district clubs. I've gotten lap dances, he's gotten lap dance. I mean, if you're open to those things and you're okay like you have. But the communication is key and sometimes the communication can get fuzzy. You can get in trouble.

Speaker 2: 22:48

Yeah, or if they think they wanted to try it and then, once they get there, like oh wait, I didn't want to jump back on that same page.

Speaker 1: 22:57

Um, like we've, um I like porn. I've, I've never I've I've liked porn for a long time. Um, my husband and I have very vocal in bed. I think that's also um, you know, we kind of like share stuff and um, sometimes we have to check in like, hey, what you said, did you, did you like wanna, did you, did you want to do that, do you not? So I think that's another part of too like it's fun to talk dirty, but you kind of kind of.

Speaker 2: 23:27

Yeah, like, are you? It's just something, or this what we're saying um watching porn together. It's not something to say, or do you actually want to do it? Or this is what we're saying, watching porn together.

Speaker 1: 23:34

It's not something we do all the time, all the time, but it is sometimes like, hey, you know, you grab the phone or something, keeping that fire. You know, keeping that. I think there is a thing with pheromones. I really do believe in it because I mean my husband. He will tell you he's overweight. Um, he, he, he doesn't work out. Um, you know, he does struggle with with things. He might be particularly extremely hairy, but, um, but I can't stop touching him all the time. Close on, close off, whatever you know, trying not to. You're going to embarrassing, things are going to happen.

Speaker 1: 24:19

We've all been there trying to like, hey, you know, get get over it. Like it's a body Right, and when you think about it, sex is kind of gross, not like gross, but yeah, it's like, yeah, very interesting that we like can be really messy. Um, and hey, my, my period might come in the middle of it and I'd be like, oh, shit, you know, and he's okay, you know, um, did I plan on it? No, but's, it's those types of things. And, um, and again, like, sometimes, we, we. There was a point where we got into like picture taking, um, video, and, and it means you know what, if it, if, if looking at me turns him on during the day when I'm at work, great, I want to be that person. I mean, he watches porn too. That's fine, he tells me, I tell him, I tell him, I tell him we. We talk about masturbation too, though that's another thing. Like I'd be like.

Speaker 2: 25:22

Hey, or if like if I want to one night, or he might've like just your job and you're like, hey, I just I'm like, oh, okay, yeah, okay, yeah, yeah, and it what you said earlier about accepting each other, I mean that's that's the bottom line, cause when you feel accepted and you feel wanted, you're going to reciprocate and, like you know, be attracted and be interested in each other. And when you just that acceptance and feeling sexy and feeling wanted, it's like crucial and I think a lot of people skip that part when they start getting mad about other stuff. That's like the first thing to go.

Speaker 1: 25:51

It is, he will, you know, I'll, I'll, I'll get dressed up to go out and and he'll he'll say, um, like, oh, you, that looks really good, or I love your tits, or yeah, it makes me feel good. Um, what works for one person might not work for the other person, but that has to be communicated. To like if I didn't want him to tell me that, I tell him, um, but that's okay. Um, I, I do um, keep myself up. I dye my own hair in my bathroom. I paint my own nails in my living room. I don't just, I do my own makeup. I'm like, um, I don't, I might. I mean, I shave my legs, I shave everywhere. Um, again, that's personal preference. Um, but I kind of were, were very open.

Speaker 1: 26:42

Now, if I didn't, would he have a problem? I don't know. Um, he's never said otherwise, but I've just always kind of kept myself. I'm, you know, I'm. There's parts of me that have definitely changed over time, now that I'm hitting this age of, like, weight loss isn't as easy. Or, you know, you eat something and it immediately goes to the middle of your stomach. I don't just, it's just what it is. And him and I talk about how that, you know the landscape's going to change, you know, as we get both age. And um, it was. I was just having a conversation with a friend the other night and she was she's uh, her husband's 49, uh, mine's 43. And she was saying how he's just entering an age where he needs a little assistance and she's entering the age where she does too. And I'm scared because I've never had a problem in that area of like needing lube.

Speaker 1: 27:47

But I know it's going to come and I get scared. But I'm like, okay, we have this great communication, we have other things we like to do too. Like it's not just we have sex all the time. Um, you know, we, we love going to concerts, we love just hanging out together and just sit and watch. You know, we're just tonight we're going to go and I'm going to sing at open mic. Um, our daughter's going to come with us. We're going to have dinner. Like it's not just, it's not always about that. We're very supportive over each other's things. Um, I also do things on my own. Without him, I'll go and see a concert. If he doesn't want to go, I'll go by myself. I'll go with a friend. Um, we have that trust. Um, that's a huge thing. That's a huge thing. And sometimes you know you can, if you ever feel like it's not there, you gotta, you know, have that conversation. But, um, there are parts that I would say that those are crucial.

Speaker 2: 28:45

Yeah, and that almost sounds like kind of like a final thoughts thing, but if there's anything else you wanted to add, I always um, this is about the time where we start to close.

Speaker 1: 28:56

I don't know. Keep it alive. And you know what everybody says. Uh, for me, like everybody says, oh, marriage is so hard. Um, I think finding the right person is hard, and once you found that person, then it's not easy, but I think it's easier.

Speaker 2: 29:15

Yeah, yeah, and I think that's like all the people on the dating apps, all the single people out there. That's exactly what they're trying to find the right one, and that's the hard part is distinguishing and giving up when they're not the right one sooner than later, so you don't waste all that time.

Speaker 1: 29:28

Yeah, don't waste time yeah.

Speaker 2: 29:34

All right, well, waste all that time? Yeah, don't waste time. Yeah, yeah, all right. Well, thank you very much. That was awesome and I'm glad we got, yeah, sex talk about the kids too, and of course you know, yeah, yeah, the relationship stuff too. Good, good info. So if you like this episode, be sure to tell your friends about it and rate it as well. You can do it right after you listen. You click the stars, preferably five. Thank you all right and thanks again, sandy, it's great to have you. Thank you all right, bye everyone. Frank talk, frank talk, sex and dating educate.