Straight from the Source's Mouth: Frank Talk about Sex and Dating
Are you perpetually single? Do you want longer-lasting relationships? Tired of the miscommunication and misunderstandings? Wish you were better in bed? Advice from experts as well as real talk from real people so that you can see you are not alone in your thoughts and experiences. I talk about sex in my stand-up comedy and people often tell me that I say what they are thinking but are too afraid to say or admit it to their partners; too taboo they think. We'll talk about books we've read on dating, relationships and sex so that you can gain knowledge without having to read all the books yourself. I'll interview people on both sides of an issue: people who are great at dating and unsuccessful at dating...learn from the person who's great and also learn what not to do! We'll do the same with sex and relationships so that you can learn what works so you don't need to repeat others' past mistakes. I'll interview sex coaches and love coaches. We intend this to be a how-to guide. Hit subscribe and join us!
Straight from the Source's Mouth: Frank Talk about Sex and Dating
#75 Untangling Modern Relationships: Attachment, Trauma, and Authentic Connection
Discover the secrets behind the tangled web of modern relationships with our special guest, Quentin, on this episode of Straight from the Source's Mouth. Have you ever felt suffocated in a relationship or struggled with a partner's anxious tendencies? Quentin opens up about his personal journey, shedding light on avoidant and anxious attachment styles, and how these dynamics can lead to a cycle of avoidance and anxiety. Through candid discussions and real-life examples, Quentin provides valuable insights into how childhood trauma and parental influence play a significant role in shaping our romantic interactions.
Navigating the complexities of personal needs within a relationship can be daunting, especially when dealing with issues like sensory sensitivities or health conditions such as Bi-Polar Disorder. Quentin shares compelling stories, including a couple dealing with miscommunication around financial support and quality time. We explore how societal challenges, like the lack of parenting guidance, contribute to the struggle of forming secure and healthy connections. This episode encourages listeners to recognize the importance of balancing individual needs with those of their partners, fostering better understanding and harmony.
In a world where superficial interactions are often mistaken for genuine connection, Quentin emphasizes the need for authenticity and continual self-improvement. We tackle the pitfalls of idealizing ourselves during early dating stages and how this can obstruct true intimacy. Mental health takes center stage as we advocate for embracing therapy and breaking the stigma around seeking professional help. Tune in for practical advice on self-reflection and personal growth, ensuring you leave with a deeper understanding of yourself and the tools to cultivate healthier relationship dynamics. Don’t forget to share, rate, and tell your friends about this enlightening episode!
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Welcome to the Straight from the Source's Mouth podcast. Frank talk about sex and dating.
Speaker 2:Hello everyone, tamara here, welcome to the show. Today's guest is Quentin, and we'll be talking about dating and relationship advice for guys. If you like this episode, be sure to tell your friends about it and rate it as well. Thanks for joining me, quentin.
Speaker 1:How's it going?
Speaker 2:it was good, glad you could come on and I um yeah, I just I like the advice you had offered to people in the past and they may or may not have taken it, so I wanted to give you the opportunity to give your wisdom to others who may actually listen to it yeah, it's crazy how people don't like to take the advice of people who just sit and watch and observe things.
Speaker 1:It's like come on, guys, like I'm right, why are you booing me?
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, I get it. I'm one of those people too that sit back and observe. You can see a lot for sure. And you know just yeah for sure, all right, yeah, and you know just yeah for sure, all right, yeah, I know we started talking about, um, some of the advice was they kind of feel like suffocated in relationships, like mostly talking to guy friends about they're either their girlfriends I'm not sure if their wives are girlfriends but just kind of you want to share about, like how, what, why they think that or how they, what they say about it and what you had to say about it yeah, so I've had, I've had a handful of friends who get into relationships and then, you know, things start out really well for them from my perspective because I only know them, not the partner so things normally are starting out really well, spending a lot of time together.
Speaker 1:They're talking a lot, almost inevitably, with you know, these handful of people that I know that they end up feeling like like you said, that they're suffocated in the relationship and they start pulling apart a lot more and that seems to cause the reaction of, you know, reach farther, pull harder, you know, from the other party, and it, you know, seems to continue in that cycle of you know, my friend pulling away, the partner pulling back, pulling like the relationship closer again, and then you know, it just keeps going back and forth. Between that and as someone who's experienced that dynamic in a relationship from both sides multiple times, you do get to understand it after you've experienced a bit. And what I've found from my lived experience, combined with you know the stories that I'm hearing from my friends, it seems very common that, um, you know this whole thing about like avoiding attachment styles and anxious attachment styles.
Speaker 2:right yeah, I was actually going to say that. If you didn't, so yeah, perfect.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so it seems that these friends that I have are, you know, they're all guys and it seems that a lot of them have this very avoidant attachment style and that's the runaway and then avoidant and anxious attachment. They kind of attract each other a lot Very commonly. I see so many relationships this way. So, yeah, they the avoidant ends up feeling suffocated and pulls away, um, and the complaints seem to always be different, like specific things, but the undertone of it all is, um, I feel that my autonomy is being taken away yeah like I feel like I'm having to do all of these things for this other person, and then the fact that they still have a problem, the underlying problem being I don't feel connected to you personally.
Speaker 1:Um, oh, whatever I do is not good enough. I do so much for you, but it's not good enough, and no one wants to be in a situation where they feel that way. Right, I think that much is understandable. What I don't think is understandable is, if multiple pain points in your relationship lead you to that conclusion, then maybe that's not the specific issue, and if it is, then the relationship is doomed. That just means that you two weren't meant for each other, in my opinion.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and are you saying there's basically, if it happens that often maybe with you like a pattern or something that's going on with you, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:And are you saying there's basically, if it happens that often maybe with you like a pattern or something that's going on with you, hear that complaint? A lot was that, uh, I don't feel prioritized. Um, I don't feel like you know me for me. I don't think that you care to know me for me and from my perspective at the time I was was like what do you mean? I pay attention to the things that you like. I pay attention to the jokes that I make that you don't like. I pay attention to the behaviors that I do that you respond a certain way to, positive or negative. It took years to realize that all that stuff is just like, however well intentioned, it is manipulation, because it's not me being myself with the other person's best interests, it's me figuring out what do I need to do to make sure that this person likes me, slash is happy, slash doesn't leave bottom line right. It ends up coming from a fear of abandonment, which doesn't have to necessarily just be in romantic relationships.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I totally agree and that, like you said, it doesn't have to be in their actual relationships too. It's just you just go through. A lot of people go through life feeling like they're misunderstood or or not wanted or something with childhood stuff. You know, all of us have trauma of some kind unless we had perfect parents, and they don't exist.
Speaker 1:So yeah, even if you have one parent who is secure, then you could have another one who's?
Speaker 2:yeah, yeah and then watching them be victimized. Yeah, yeah, and I was gonna go back to like mean what you say about manipulation and learning what you need to do to make that person happy. I can see where she would not necessarily feel heard or like understood or, like you said, manipulation. But there's also a difference between men and women that have come into play as well. It sounds like this might not be the case as much for you what you just described, but you know just, women's number one priority is to feel seen, understood and heard, and men need respect. And then, just like communication styles are are very different too, and women want men to be just like them.
Speaker 1:They think you're misbehaving women, and then you know, and we just don't get each other's like natural ways of communication and you could say I don't think you understand my point that I'm trying to make, and there are plenty of guys out there who would hear that, as you're stupid and take it disrespectfully, and yeah, and when, when that's not the case at all, like you're very clearly showing respect by virtue of you want both of us to be on the same page. I think that is very respectful. You know, if I didn't respect you, I would be like, okay, you can just, you know, keep being dumb, thinking you're dumb things, like you know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I know you mentioned, like the mentality or mindset. You know that you would offer. What did you? What do you see?
Speaker 1:The first barrier is hearing a criticism and learning to take it as a learning opportunity instead of an inherent flaw of yourself. Because you know, like, take a, I guess, a kind of simple example of like let's say you have one person who has, like, sensory problems and they can't handle, like you know, very like sharp sounds, right, and you have one person who has, you know, like restless leg syndrome and they're you know they have to constantly fidget and they can't sit still and this person is like constantly clicking a pen. Is it in spite of the person with sensory issues? No, I don't think so, right? It's like they both have their own needs, that they are trying to meet their own needs, that they are trying to meet. And if A needs to do A and B needs to do B, but A can't handle B and B can't handle A, then that's not that B or A is wrong. It's that they're not necessarily compatible together or they haven't figured out a way to compromise that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I always talk about how there are so many people that aren't right for each other. They're still together and do no fault of their own, like they just you know, you didn't, don't realize it right away, kind of thing. But then, rather than I don't know, know people will try to work it out. But if there's something like that where you just it may not be possible. You know, like if one person is hard of hearing, it needs loud stuff and one can't handle it too loud like it's just that's going to be like a long-term issue.
Speaker 2:So yeah, it's best to move on.
Speaker 1:But it's definitely hard for a lot of people to move on from that kind of stuff because they think they'll find they won't be able to find someone next right, which circles back into the fear of abandonment of, because, assuming this isn't their first relationship, then every other one has left, quote, unquote Right, and it's all just like a reinforcement of the same mentality.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I know you had mentioned to like.
Speaker 1:miscommunication and miscomprehension are pretty much like big factors between relationships and offering that advice to like right, because a lot of people say that or would agree that a relationship hinges on clear communication, like it's going to make or break the relationship, which is true, but if both parties don't have an equivalent level of understanding, then you can communicate as much as you want, it's not going to be effective.
Speaker 1:Um, case in point, like, okay, example being my my parents right, um, my dad was working a lot because, you know, he made more money than my mom and he was trying to support the family, right, yeah. And then you know, 2008, and my dad had to work more and my mom didn't feel as like seen, just, you know, direct impact of he's not around as much, and you know, then they started fighting a bit and my dad hearing her unhappiness and immediately translating it to I need to be able to make even more money so that I can provide even better for the family, so that then I can be home from work more, when what she was asking for was for him to be home from work more, and we'll figure out the rest. But like I need you here with me sometimes, right yeah.
Speaker 2:And that's what men live for is to provide generally I mean not all men, I guess, but like according to a coach that's been on a few times like that is, the number one drive for a man is to provide. Especially in a relationship or with kids, is to provide for their family like you said, it's a driving factor. And then, yeah, like you said, it's a perfect example.
Speaker 1:Because then he's like oh, let me work harder to make it even better yeah, directly making the, the problem that she was, you know, complaining about or communicating about.
Speaker 2:Directly making it worse, yeah and yeah yeah, and he probably heard it as like yeah, like you said, the solution was one thing. When her solution and that's comes into communication, like not everyone you know, she said I need more quality time, I and I would rather make less money and get to see you more often, or say it you know in words that he would really get, and or if he could even hear it that way, like you said.
Speaker 1:he could have taken it that way, like you said it could have taken it as criticism, yeah, or, or who knows, like maybe maybe he heard the criticism and then, like you know, a week later heard it again and then, like a couple of days later, heard it again. And it's like I have personally and I'm not, you know, proud of this Right, but in in the past relationship there was a point when we started fighting a lot every time I would get home from work and it got to the point where I would start staying at work like two hours late every day, even, just like sitting in my car in the parking garage, Um, just because like I was dreading going back home to you know, experience that again.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:And it's like staying late at work to avoid that. You know how else you can avoid having that fight by addressing the fucking problem, yeah yeah, and that's so common.
Speaker 2:I mean, I think a lot, of, a lot of men do that, or a lot of, maybe couples in general. Um, yeah, one will, just to avoid the fight, they like stay away, but then it makes more of a fight because, especially if they're anxious attachment style when they need you need the connection, and then of course, the perception of connection to women and men is different as well. So you know, it's just, it's pretty much like it's amazing that people even make it. You know, there's actually like secure, healthy, good relationships out there, the just the dynamics between men and women and all the difficulties. And then people, there's no classes for parenting, so all the kids not all the kids, a lot of kids get screwed up and then their perception of how things work in relationships are jaded and yeah, and we're not even talking about when you throw in like mental illness and stuff into that yeah you know you put you put a kid who's predisposed to be PD in an abusive household.
Speaker 1:growing up they are going to become one like a force to be reckoned with type of thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I don't think I've done too many episodes on mental illness, but yeah, that's definitely prevalent, especially after covid, and you know just or actually I guess there's more people are actually talking about it now, like anxiety and stuff too yeah, because my, my theory is that a lot more people are mentally ill than they're willing to admit, and covid kind of put a mirror up to a lot of those people who you know, up until that point, had been able to keep busy enough to never think about it yeah, and would you say that they're doing something about it now generally, or I mean, I know it's more talked about like does your theory still hold, or that kind of brought it out.
Speaker 2:What would you say?
Speaker 1:I would say that it definitely brought more exposure to the average person, which then led into it being even more talked about. In general, I still think that there's a lot of work to do in terms of stigma and acceptance, that there's a lot of work to do in terms of, like stigma and acceptance. Case in point, I I have ADHD and an anxiety and I take five ends for the ADHD right, which has a lovely little side effect of spiking the anxiety a lot. And you know people, people have told me like oh, it's like meth, it's like cocaine, you're just like doing legal drugs. And it's like, ah, yeah, no, because I don't just go home and then like pop pills for fun, like if I do that I'll die, right, you know, I take this so that I can function in a working environment that is more healthy, because up until this point I've been working. That I can function in a working environment that is more healthy Because up until this point I've been working in the restaurant industry for years.
Speaker 1:That was the only job that I had that was fast-paced enough to be actually engaging for the entire shift, and that was before I was medicated. But also working in that industry destroys your body takes a massive toll on your, on your mental health, on on your like energy, you know, and you have to spend the entire day, you know, giving, giving a hundred percent of your personality to random people, and then you go home and like what, what, what left is there to give to the people you actually enjoy hanging out with.
Speaker 2:Yeah, especially if you're an introvert and you like, thrive on recharging alone and you just spent all that energy.
Speaker 1:Yep.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean it's. And then, of course, if you have two people with mental illness or you know, putting them together in a relationship, like I said earlier, it's like a wonder people can get together, and maybe that's why less people are dating nowadays Like everyone's, like the apps are becoming a pain and a lot of people are just giving up on dating altogether yeah, because there's there's also like much more available to to the average person to be able to entertain or distract themselves like.
Speaker 1:I'm not. How familiar are you with, um, parasocial relationships? I am not at all. So this is like some semi-recent phenomenon where, basically, people will find a content creator that they enjoy, which there's nothing wrong with enjoying different content on the internet, right, that's fine. The problem comes with when these people get like they develop an attachment towards this twitch streamer or this youtuber.
Speaker 1:This is where comments like and, as unfortunate as it is, but you know, you have people who are like, depressed and, you know, thinking about hurting themselves, and you'll see comments on YouTube pages sometimes that say like, oh, I was at my lowest and like this content creator, you, you, your videos saved me and and pulled me out of that and I'm grateful and and while that is awesome that that was the result, we get into the dicey situation of like, you feel an attachment and you feel like you give this support. There's all these emotions coming from the viewer going towards the content creator that aren't reciprocated Because they can't be right. How can a content creator have that same level of a connection with every single person who views them, they can't. I think that it primes people to like be more susceptible to abusive relationships where they are not prioritized or even like thought of or, you know, considered anything.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean it's kind of like gambling, where you win every once in a while, or like the the small times they are nice or even with the content creators, if they actually send a message or reply to a DM, and then they get that hit. And then they just look for the hits every once in a while, even though they're fewer and far between.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because you don't know this person personally, you know the idea of them and you know the the image that they portray, and that can be true for people in like actual, like face-to-face interactions too. It takes a long time to kind of actually know and understand a person and what makes them tick and understand a person and what makes them tick.
Speaker 2:Yeah, especially early dating, when you're both on your best behavior.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I think also a lot of these issues stem from people trying to avoid hurt, which takes a bunch of different forms. But if your only concern is how do I avoid pain in this relationship, then you're not going to grow in the relationship and you're also going to be more likely to hide things about yourself. More likely to hide things about yourself. And again, this is another example of the however well-intentioned that's just manipulation.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I think a lot of movies have that kind of thing where suddenly they'll learn something about someone and they were too afraid to tell them. It was like you said in real life too too. So yeah, and then they never get the whole person and if they wait too long to say it, it could. It could actually be a factor, you know, depending on what, how serious it is. But yeah, yeah all right.
Speaker 2:So let's try to bring, bring in a little bit of lightness or some positivity. What are some things you see, since you observe a lot, what are some of the good you see in relationships or the potential.
Speaker 1:I think at the core of a lot of issues is just learning to take criticism as a learning opportunity, like learn to embrace learning, you know? Because, like, how many people have you seen that that walk around with this air of like I know could very well be founded in something, but you're not going to know what you're doing in every single situation and every subject, right?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I definitely.
Speaker 1:Embrace learning, for sure, yeah.
Speaker 2:I'm definitely a lifelong learner and that's my intent with this podcast too is to actually like help people Like I talk about. Are there any books that have been helpful to you, or just or any topics that you've found helpful in?
Speaker 1:general, I consume a lot of like therapy content on YouTube and I wouldn't necessarily recommend that just because, like, you're gonna get more direct and quicker results if you go see a therapist yourself, because they're working with you and tailoring stuff directly to you, versus if you're, you know, looking up all these different videos on YouTube and you're gonna have to take in all of that information and then, like, piece it all together and, like you know, keep, take out what stuff doesn't apply to you and keep what stuff does, and how do you know what applies to you and what doesn't, and which is what I did. Yeah, took a while, but, uh, yeah, I definitely recommend, um, seeing a therapist, because there's nothing wrong with seeing a therapist and there's so much stigma attached to that too. Like, if I go to see a therapist, then that means that I'm mentally ill, that means that I have a problem, and I don't want to admit that I have a problem. It's like there's nothing wrong with that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, actually I watched the last episode of the Kardashians, which a lot of people do, and I know Kim Kardashian just admitted to going to therapy for the first time and her sister had been encouraging her for a while, so she was very happy that she did, and she's pretty much a workaholic kind of the same thing.
Speaker 1:You know she's keeping so busy to like not think about stuff, so that was what she realized, like you know which actually thank you for that Cause that that is probably a more concise piece of advice is you know it's it's a lot easier to implement than you know spending hours researching mental issues and and relationship issues and stuff Is if you just give yourself an allotted amount of time at the end of your day, or even like in the middle of your day, whenever um, to just sit and exist with your thoughts and emotions, um, cause at first you know, if you've been, if you've been avoiding it for a while at at first that's going to be extremely overwhelming, but the more you do it, the easier it's going to get and the less you'll need to do it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, because they say you should like feel it in your body or know where you're feeling it, because the mind and body obviously are connected, but a lot of people don't know both. They might they know, might know they're angry about something, but they don't know what's underneath it and why they're angry. And yeah, yeah, it's definitely helpful advice and I normally ask for a final conclusion or, like you know, kind of closing thoughts, but I think that might be a good place to kind of end it that's about it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, awesome. Thank you, yeah, and I'm glad we brought up the mental health stuff as well, because, like I said, there needs to be less stigma about it, and if Kim Kardashian could go to therapy, so can you. Yeah, all right. Well, thank you very much for being on. I enjoyed the conversation and hopefully people got something out of it for themselves if they're struggling with mental health as well. Exactly Alright. Well, thank you again.
Speaker 2:Thank you for having me, and if you like this episode, be sure to tell your friends about it. Rate it as well, and at the top of each description there's a send me a text so you can actually send an anonymous question or comment. So alright, thanks everyone. Frank Talk, Frank Talk, send an anonymous question or comment. So all right, Thanks everyone.
