Straight from the Source's Mouth: Frank Talk about Sex and Dating
Are you perpetually single? Do you want longer-lasting relationships? Tired of the miscommunication and misunderstandings? Wish you were better in bed? Advice from experts as well as real talk from real people so that you can see you are not alone in your thoughts and experiences. I talk about sex in my stand-up comedy and people often tell me that I say what they are thinking but are too afraid to say or admit it to their partners; too taboo they think. We'll talk about books we've read on dating, relationships and sex so that you can gain knowledge without having to read all the books yourself. I'll interview people on both sides of an issue: people who are great at dating and unsuccessful at dating...learn from the person who's great and also learn what not to do! We'll do the same with sex and relationships so that you can learn what works so you don't need to repeat others' past mistakes. I'll interview sex coaches and love coaches. We intend this to be a how-to guide. Hit subscribe and join us!
Straight from the Source's Mouth: Frank Talk about Sex and Dating
Bonus Ep: You Say You Want a Relationship or Do You Value Freedom More?
Unlock the secrets of your subconscious mind with hypnotist Nicholas Spohn, founder of Ministry of the Mind. Discover how unrecognized values inherited from our past can create an intriguing tug-of-war within us, especially when it comes to relationships. Navigate the complex dance between desiring intimacy and fearing the loss of freedom as we uncover how these subconscious values shape your actions and decisions. Nicholas sheds light on resolving these internal conflicts, addressing the often-overlooked impact they have on personal growth.
Join us as we explore practical strategies to elevate your relationships by pinpointing core values, rules, and beliefs. Through insightful questioning, we reveal the invisible forces driving your behaviors and how these elements can be ethically harnessed for positive influence across personal and professional interactions. Plus, Nicholas introduces "Living Your Highest Values," a course designed to align your subconscious beliefs with your conscious desires, fostering fulfillment in all life aspects. Don't miss this enlightening episode that offers actionable tools for achieving alignment and empowerment.
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Welcome to the Straight from the Source's Mouth podcast. Frank talk about sex and dating. Hello everyone, tamara here, welcome to the show. Today's guest is back once again. His name is Nicholas Spohn. He's a hypnotist and the founder of Ministry of the Mind, and we'll be talking about your values and how they affect you subconsciously. Thanks for joining me, nicholas. Yeah, I'm glad to be back.
Speaker 2:Thanks for having me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was super excited. I'm on your email list and you mentioned the idea of values and how it can affect you, especially in relationships. You think one way, but really subconsciously you don't. So let's dive right in.
Speaker 2:Okay, great. So yeah, our values are basically what our subconscious mind moves us towards or away from. So, and and when I say subconscious mind, I mean your whole nervous system and your whole body. So if you think about when you feel like you're compelled to do something or you're compelled to leave a situation, and it's just like this drive that comes from the pit of your gut, and just this feeling that's generated by your subconscious mind to move you towards or away from your values, and the problem is, nobody ever teaches us how to set our values.
Speaker 2:So a lot of us have values that are other people's values, and the main, the main problem is that we have multiple values that often conflict with each other, and so this is why, you know, the best metaphor is like it's we have one foot on the gas and one foot on the brake, because most of us, you know, we all want to be successful, but a lot of us don't want to have any rejection or failure in our lives, and so you know, what are the odds of you having any success if you're not willing to fail and learn and face some rejection? So those two things kind of counteract each other, and oftentimes people spin their wheels and they and they stay stuck because they have conflicting values.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I mean I can think of many examples in my own life. So, yes, definitely say more and like, especially relationship specific. Oh, I mean, yeah, I say I want a relationship, but then I'm afraid of losing my freedom, and so I keep saying it in date and then I'm like don't really, you know, I find something wrong or prefer non-available people. So yeah.
Speaker 2:So we and listen, you're not alone. We all have these things where you know, I was doing a module two of our values course last night with the group and and someone was like, oh you know, I like I want a job, but then every time I go start interviewing for a job, I really don't, because I want the freedom. And so what's important to understand is that underneath those values, we have what are called rules. So we have a rule for how we know if we've achieved or met that value. And so you know, you and I can both value the same thing let's say we both value intimate connection but we're going to have a rule that's different about how we know if we're, if we're having that, or how we you know if we will each value success. My definition of success, my rule might be I have X dollars in the bank account, and your rule might be that you have a certain type of relationship. And so the rules are how we know if we're meeting our values. And again, most people have no idea what their rules are underneath it. And then underneath the rules is our beliefs, and so we have beliefs about ourselves, beliefs about other people, beliefs about God and the economy and, you know, with the world, and so the beliefs are our strategy for meeting our rules.
Speaker 2:So many people, you know, we all in a relationship, we want to feel loved. That's a value, and we all have different rules about how we know if we feel loved, right. So someone has to. They have to tell me they love me, they have to take me on trips or dates, they have to touch me in a certain way. And then we have beliefs about well, for me, to get someone to touch me a certain way, I have to look like this, or I have to say this, or I have to flirt in a certain way. And we have no idea that the person across from us has different rules about how they feel loved. So, you know, if we both value love, I might have a rule that says, well, I can feel loved when I'm touched in a certain way, and you might have a rule that says you only feel loved when somebody tells you that they love you and or they take you on a trip, or they give you gifts, right. These are kind of the love languages.
Speaker 2:We can think about it that way as well and so most people have no idea that the person across from them has different rules about how they experience and feel love, and so we all we're usually giving love in the way that we want to receive it, and then underneath that, we also have beliefs. So a belief is the best strategy that we need to use to get that value met. So that might mean I feel like I need to. My belief is I need to look a certain way, I need to act a certain way, I need to say something or I need to be giving to people or a people pleaser in order to get love, and so, because there's these three different levels, most people have no idea what they are, and then you can have conflicts where, at any of those levels, my beliefs might conflict with my values, the rules that I have might conflict with another value I have, and so a lot of what I do is just helping people get clear Because, like you said, often in relationships we want that intimacy and connection and we also want freedom, and so that creates some kind of cognitive dissonance in us sometimes, doesn't it?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean all those areas like you're saying, and I can see why so many relationships are so hard, because everyone has all this stuff going on and they don't know themselves and they don't know the other person. They think they know themselves and the other person thinks they know. So this is just a total cluster, as we like to say.
Speaker 2:Yeah Well, this is a good framework. So you can start by looking at you know what are the things I value in my life, and it's not just what they say they value or what you say you value, it's the things that you do naturally and automatically, like I really value learning and growth and and my belief is that if I read books, I'll be, I'll learn and grow. So because that's such a high value for me, I don't have to schedule time in my day to go read books. Like it's. It's a natural impulse that I would feel uneasy if I didn't read a book, and so when we value something, that's kind of how it shows up is like we have this, we're compelled to do it Does that make sense.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, I mean, that's my thing too. Love of learning is very high for me and I read and learn constantly, and that I cannot not do that.
Speaker 2:And so for someone who has, you know, let's say, a fear of abandonment in a relationship, they're going to have different, they're going to be compelled to act differently. They might think, oh, I have to be a people pleaser, so somebody doesn't leave me, and they're going to have this compelled urge to do everything they think their partner wants, because that's their belief about how they get love, which is the thing that they value.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean it goes to the anxious attachment style avoidance, like, yeah, if they're convinced someone's going to leave them, they're going to do yeah, yeah. This whole thing all ties together.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. Well, it's all just like I said. It's all those layers. So there's. You know, I have different values and you have different values, and we each have rules for how we know we're meeting those values and we each have beliefs for the best strategy. And so when you just think about that simple framework, you can look at the person across from you, you can see how they act, you can see how their emotions come up, and then you know I talk a lot about patterns, recognizing patterns, and so you can start to see like, oh, this person has a rule that they don't feel loved if I show up 10 minutes late for dinner.
Speaker 2:Or you know, I tell a story. I dated this girl and we were like we had gone on like three dates, so it wasn't anything serious and she felt she would get angry and kind of feel offended and hurt if I didn't call her or text her every night. And so she has this rule in her mind oh, if the person I'm talking to doesn't call me every night, then he's not a good communicator and this isn't a good relationship. But I didn't have that rule and I didn't know her rule. It took me a few times of her getting upset to be like wait, why is she getting upset here? Oh, she has a subconscious rule that makes her feel, in her body, uneasy or forgotten, unless she gets a call every night. So when you know this, you can see your partner's patterns and you figure out exactly what they want, how to make them feel loved, how to make them feel appreciated, and then your relationship gets so much better.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, definitely. I was just thinking that it'd be good to have this chat and then I'm sure you're going to explain, like, how people can understand and even, like, change them or affect them in some way.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so we can go into that right now and it's it's actually stupidly simple. It's really simple. So there's just a few questions and you and you kind of need to know how to navigate them. But when I, when I, when someone is speaking about something, all you have to do is say, oh, why is that important to you? And you'll start to get to their values. And sometimes you have to ask it a few times and they'll say. They may say, oh, you know, I really I want to be in a relationship. Oh, why is that important to you? And they may think about it. Well, just, you know, so I can have a companion to to do things with. Oh, why is that important to you? Well, I guess it's so that I can feel loved. You know, that really gets to the base of why most humans do. What they do is to get loved. But so when you ask, why is that important to you, you get to the value. And then, once you're at the value, you just have to ask well, how do you know? How do you know if you're loved? How do you know if you're successful? So just the question, how do you know?
Speaker 2:Brings out the rule that they have and you may need to ask it a few times, and some people have multiple rules. You know, in ask it a few times, and some people have multiple rules. You know, in order to feel loved, I need to have five things, and it's it's hard for that person to feel loved because they have so many rules around it. So how do you know? Is the next question. And then the belief. All you have to ask is well, what's the best way to go about that? Or how do you go about getting that rule met? And so they'll say, oh well, I guess I wear low cut shirts. Or you know, I go to the gym, so I look, so I look fit. Or, uh, you know, I cook dinner for my partner, whatever their belief is about how they meet their rules. So those are the three questions, um, and you can just ask people that and they won't feel like they're getting interrogated. You know it's, it's pretty straightforward and you can really figure out what drives someone's subconscious mind and their programs.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, like you said, it sounds so simple and like now that you say that, yeah, just ask those questions and I can see the reverse of this, or not the reverse, but the like, the negative side of this, where someone, like in a manipulator who's not that interested, might use this. But if you're actually trying to build a relationship and want something to work, this is phenomenal and I can think of many groups that I want to offer you to sell this stuff or to share this.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it's not just you know we're talking about relationships and it obviously shows up there. But this shows up in your career. You know, if you have employees or a boss, how valuable would it be to know what their values are and what drives them and what their rules and beliefs are? Or if you're in court and you're facing a judge or a jury, knowing what their values are or in a negotiation. I mean, this stuff applies in every area of our life. If you went into that and you thought you know what does this person value and you can probably figure that out by going to their Facebook page or their social media or even from your interactions you've already had what does this person value? And then how do they know? How do they go about living that value? And then you can really pretty easily see the rules and the beliefs they have and then just speak to them and you can kind of hit their triggers and make them feel good and have a good connection and influence them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, definitely, and I think this is a good point to say how people can reach you and the programs you have upcoming or whatever you want to share, and then we can get more into stuff later too, if you want.
Speaker 2:Sure, so I'm. I'm just in the middle of of creating this values course. It's called living your highest values. We just did week two last night and people were were kind of blown away because we uncovered all of their internal conflicts. And then next week we're going to reset their values, their rules and their beliefs and so if someone's listening to this at any point, they can get that course and the recordings and there's a few hypnosis audios that go with that and that's at ministryofthemindorg slash values. And if they sign up for the free trial they get access to the entire course. So they can go in two weeks, sign up for it, get the course, take it and then unsubscribe if they want it for free. But it's a pretty life-changing process.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, sounds like it. Yeah, I mean, I almost feel like there's no more to say. It's almost like you cover everything, and this is something that a lot of people deal with and this is the answer to their questions, I mean, and then obviously, you have to work with them a little more than that. It's not that easy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there's some distinctions and and the, and a few of these came up on our call last night. Uh, one thing to keep in mind is when you have rules and beliefs where you put the power on an external source. You know, tamara has to do this in order for me to feel loved. My, my mom and dad have to tell me this. In order for me to feel loved, my mom and dad have to tell me this in order for me to feel successful. It's really unreliable and it's hard to meet consistently, and so your emotions are going to be in the hands of other people.
Speaker 2:And so when you have, you know, we say the word unconditional. Well, a condition is really a rule, isn't it? Yeah, and so if you can get rid of the conditions for you to feel love and for you to feel happiness and for you to feel successful, you can feel unconditional love because it is generated from within you and you don't need it from an external source. And that's where you feel free and you feel fulfilled. And the compulsion, like the compelling feeling that you have to be a people pleaser or that you have to act in a certain way or you have to comply with society standards that just goes away Once you get rid of the conditions for your happiness and for your love and for your joy. And so I think this is kind of the whole journey is how do we figure out what our, what our rules are that stop us from feeling love all the time? And then you take power back and you say, oh, this is actually something I can generate within myself.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, that's awesome.
Speaker 2:So here here's something else to consider, tamara is we want to have a value system where our most important value is supported by our second most important value, which is supported by our third most important, which is supported by all the way down the line of our values.
Speaker 2:And so a lot of us we don't have that, where they conflict, and so we want a relationship first, and then, secondly, we want freedom, and so, like, these two conflict, and so you got to align your subconscious mind so that when you're in a relationship, you actually have more freedom. And so, again, this is just how your rules and beliefs are configured, and that's what this program is about is helping people really see what, what's driving their nervous system and their subconscious mind, and aligning their values, rules and beliefs at every step so they all support each other. And that's when you feel whole, you feel congruent, you feel like you have your foot on the gas and not on the brake anymore, and so I mean you can probably start to see how important that is for relationships and career and money and your health and really every part of your life.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and and I had a previous guest talk about values and she has an actual like sheet where you can download like a huge list of values. So I think the combo of this and that information will be perfect. And I am so glad I had you on again and I'm so glad you sent that email. So I think a lot of people get a lot from this. So thank you again for being on any final comments, or that was kind of it right there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, I appreciate it, it's. It's always fun to talk about an eye opening for most people and uh, I can be reached uh at uh Nicholas at ministry of the mindorg, or you can check out this values course at ministryofthemindorg slash values. And again, if you sign up for the free trial, you get it for free with with a bunch of other hypnosis audios and a bunch of other courses as well.
Speaker 1:Awesome. Yeah, thank you so much for offering that, and I think everyone will get a lot out of it. So thank you again for being on.
Speaker 2:My pleasure. Thanks, Tamara.
