#79 Embracing Healthy Masculinity with Tom Bucsku

Discover the transformative power of healthy masculinity with Tom Bucsku, the visionary CEO and founder of Primal Divinity Coaching. Join us as Tom shares his unique approach to dating and relationships, blending the primal and spiritual dimensions of human nature to foster personal growth. By focusing on authentic self-improvement and overcoming self-sabotage, Tom offers invaluable advice for men looking to enhance their relational dynamics and career aspirations. This episode is a must-listen for anyone eager to master the art of balancing masculine and feminine energies, as we demystify the essence of Tantra and its role in promoting oneness and polarity between these energies.

Chapters

• 0:00 Masculine Dating Advice With Primal Divinity
• 5:20 Attracting Women Through Authenticity
• 16:35 Overcoming Rejection and Approaching Women
• 24:41 Effective Conversational Approaches in Dating

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to the Straight from the Source's Mouth.

Speaker 2: 0:02

Podcast Frank talk about sex and dating. Hello, tamara here, welcome to the show. Today's guest is Tom Bushku, ceo and founder of Primal Divinity Coaching, and we'll be talking about his best tips for single guys who attract the women that they want. Thanks for joining me, tom.

Speaker 1: 0:20

It's great to be here, Tamara.

Speaker 2: 0:22

Yes, I think this will be a great topic, and I have a lot of topics more for women, so this one will be for the guys, so it'll be great. All right, and you said you would talk about the name, like how you came up with the name and how you are that kind of coach.

Speaker 1: 0:37

Yeah, primal divinity. It encompasses kind of the dual nature of who we are as human beings and spiritual beings. At the same time it kind of combines some ancient wisdom from our ancestors Think back hunter-gatherer days, where we were more in tune with the earth and that whole idea of the primal lifestyle in terms of diet, movement, sleep, technology and so on, which is a foundation for those men that I'm coaching in terms of personal growth. But it also taps into that primal element that you might think of in the bedroom, for example. It sort of touches on some of the tantra stuff that I do as well. Combine that with our spiritual nature as divine beings. And the work that I do includes somatic work that helps us get with some of our emotions that we maybe haven't felt before, feeling some of our old wounds and traumas and getting those blocks out of the way so that we stop self-sabotaging, you know, whether it's in relationships and dating or in the world of business and finance.

Speaker 2: 1:43

Yeah, no, and lots of people do it and probably don't know how to stop, so definitely it's a good thing to talk about. And how do you get started with someone, or what are some of your main points? You?

Speaker 1: 1:55

make. Well, I always start with where a man is, and I say men. I do sometimes work with women, kind of on a select basis. My experience is primarily with men and I find that there's such a need for men to help develop a healthy masculinity, and I could go off the rails on why that is, but the point is that there's a need for it in the world and I found some of that myself and so I'm passing that on.

Speaker 1: 2:22

But it's really it's for the men who are dissatisfied in their lives, whether it's in terms of their relationships why am I still single? Or why am I attracting a different version of the same woman over and over again, repeating these patterns, or why do my relationships keep failing? And whatever it might be or in terms of, again, business, finance, career. I'm plateaued, I'm stuck, I'm not happy with my purpose or my mission in life, or I don't know what that is, and it's primarily a referral basis where I find the people that I work with and I'm selective with whom that is. I don't take just anybody off the street who wants to throw money at me. You've got to want it and you've got to be willing to put in the work, because it will get uncomfortable, and that's where the growth is.

Speaker 2: 3:10

Yeah, for sure. Yeah, I've had someone on recently that talks about not the spiritual but the Tantra stuff in the bedroom. But yeah, and and people talking about gender differences. So I think this will kind of further people's education that have been listening. So once you get them to figure out where they are, yeah Well, the.

Speaker 1: 3:30

The second piece is once you find where somebody is, you find where they want to go. Like what is it that they want to create in their life? You know if that's attracting your soulmate? Or is that I want to become a player and I want to sleep with a hundred women or whatever? Like I'm not judging on what you do with what you learn, um, but what is your vision Like, what do you want to create for your life?

Speaker 1: 3:50

And then we bridge the gap to help somebody go go from point A to point B, and there's a lot of different practices that we use that we honestly just wouldn't have time to get into on the talk today. A good place to go from here is you mentioned you had somebody on who talked about Tantra, and what I'm learning through that is that kind of has a bad name or a bad connotation in many ways, because if you really dive into what Tantra is, it's oneness. It's a spiritual philosophy born out of India a thousand years ago that brought us yoga and meditation and a lot of other great practices, and yet in the late 60s it was brought to America and commercialized as sex and it can be an amazing enhancement in the sexual world. But really what it's about is tapping into our divine masculine essence and for women to tap into their divine feminine essence and creating that healthy polarity that both sexes want that is so attractive like opposite poles of a magnet.

Speaker 2: 4:52

Yeah, I've definitely had a few people that talk about that part of it, and then some people get offended about you know, like you know, especially like feminism and equality. They think, well, you can't tell me what to do. So what would you say to someone that thinks it's like that, where the man's in charge and the woman has to just do whatever they say? Then you mentioned healthy masculinity, so I'm guessing that'll be part of it.

Speaker 1: 5:13

Well, and that is really key, to have that word healthy in front of the word masculinity. And I've been in many conversations just recently actually around this idea of masculine energy leads. Feminine energy doesn't follow, but it surrenders. And this is diving a little bit into that tantra philosophy of we all have masculine and feminine energies and there are times when we need to tap into each one. It's not just that men are masculine all the time and women are supposed to be feminine all the time. And it's not leadership from you. Know the old 1950s, leave it to Beaver. The man's in charge tells you what to do. You're stay at home barefoot and pregnant, whatever it is. That is not what it's about. It's about masculine energy, whether it's in you as the woman or me as the man, leading and creating a safe container so that the feminine can soften, surrender and fully express and go with the flow.

Speaker 2: 6:15

Yeah, I mean, I believe in all this stuff. So I think the world just works better when it's that way, in a relationship where you're not, because if two masculine energies are just going to butt heads the whole time and then two feminine energies, no one's going to do anything.

Speaker 1: 6:31

Yeah, nobody leaves. And you know, when this triggers, people, and particularly women, get triggered by this idea of oh, I don't need a man to lead, I make my own money. I, you know, I can make my own decisions. It's usually related back to their experiences with men in their lives, because most of the time they haven't actually experienced what the mature masculine looks like, whether that was modeled by their parents or their male role models growing up, or boyfriends, husbands or whatever they might have that they've been in relationship with, friends, husbands or whatever they might have that they've been in relationship with. When a healthy, mature masculine container is created, women just soften and enjoy it and they love it. And even if they don't think they want it, they really do if they have a feminine essence and we as men have the sacred responsibility of creating that place where a woman can experience that.

Speaker 2: 7:27

How to's or what to do.

Speaker 1: 7:28

Absolutely Single. Best tip I can give anybody out there who's looking for either a date or a relationship, or even people who are already in a relationship. This all still applies. There's some great books out there that that talk about this, and I've had some great mentors in the in this world. But it's this concept of hypergamy, right, or hyper gammy, right. We've all heard of monogamy, which is one love, or polygamy, which is multiple love. Hyper gammy or hypergamy is women are actually really attracted to higher love, right? That's how it would translate, Meaning that women are attracted to the highest value man, that they feel that they can get in air quotes there, and I only learned this in those terms in the last few years, but it's something that I observed in my own life, going back 20 years, and I would say that women were attracted to.

Speaker 1: 8:26

Power is how I described it, from not knowing any better way of describing it, but that can be power in terms of. You know, you think tribal times, right? It was the chief who had multiple wives or had his pick of who he wanted. Today, who has their choice of the best looking or highest value women in the world, right? Politicians, movie stars, football players, billionaires? You know, some form of power, and, and what that really means now is the highest value man that a woman thinks that she can get or that she can get. I want to take everything I just said and say throw it all out the window. It doesn't mean that you need to be a football player, apologist and movie star or billionaire. What they're really after is they're craving the emotional power.

Speaker 1: 9:16

Women want to feel a certain way and we men kind of forget that women operate differently and that they're attracted to people differently than how we are. So you know, men, we're primarily visual, right? We see a good looking woman? Boom, we're attracted. My dad told me God, this must be 30 some years ago. He said men fall in love with the women that they're attracted to.

Speaker 1: 9:39

Women are attracted to the men that they fall in love with, and we all know that example of the and I'm going to polarize some people here but like the short, bald guy who doesn't have any money that has this beautiful woman and you can't figure out why Well, it's because of how he makes her feel. Right, he has power, and it may not be money, it may not be fame, it's something in how he carries himself that she is drawn to. So the best thing that we can do as men if we want to attract that woman whatever that woman is for us is to cultivate that power, that personal power, and that means creating an emotional space where she is safe to express and soften into her feminine. It's about being the best version of ourselves. It's not comparing ourselves to the guy that's got the fancier car, the bigger bank account or more followers on TikTok. It's about being the best version of us and stepping into that and owning it.

Speaker 2: 10:39

Yeah, it reminds me of an article a long time ago about positive challenge and negative challenge and there's like women want a little bit of a challenge but they don't want like a jerk. So the positive challenge is kind of what you're describing in my mind of like it's they know what they're doing and women want to feel safe. That's one of the biggest things.

Speaker 1: 10:59

So a man who's confident enough to let her feel safe in his company, yeah, and that's where, like the men that I work with who are looking to attract somebody, you know they they think, all right, what are the lines?

Speaker 1: 11:11

What, how do I dress, where do I go, what do I say? And it's you know, if you tap into the PUA or the pickup artist community, where there's a whole like subculture about like how to get laid, so to speak, there's tricks and techniques that will maybe get you a date or get you a laid for the night, but it's not sustainable. If you want something more than that, if you really want something deeper, you need to be authentic, because if you're just using some tricks that you read on the internet or that you heard on a podcast and it's not really who you are, that's going to come out through the course of the relationship. So some of the best advice that I've heard and this has come from successful pickup artists who have learned this themselves is to be authentic, be open, be vulnerable and just be so comfortable and confident in who you are that you're willing to allow the world to see you as you are warts and all, so to speak and be okay with that, and that is incredibly attractive to women and to men as well.

Speaker 2: 12:15

Yeah, I don't know if you watch the Golden Bachelorette at all, but they're the guys on, they're all very vulnerable and all very, you know, forthcoming, and she seems to like them all and so it kind of gets her point. And also, you may you may be speaking about this, the book, the game. I read his followup book, the truth, where he was that guy that was like he was able to say all the right stuff, but then it wasn't his true personality. But he mastered it enough to get by and, you know, get women. But the Truth was pretty much I don't know.

Speaker 1: 12:47

The opposite of the game.

Speaker 2: 12:49

Yeah, well, he was. It's a whole journey of him going through like different lifestyles, trying to figure out exactly what works for him, like he thought he could never be with just one woman. And then, of course, spoiler alert, you know that's what happens after going through trauma and like therapy and stuff. You know, figuring out all that stuff.

Speaker 1: 13:21

Well, I'm glad you brought that up because you know the game and that whole pickup artist mentality is like I said, it will work and it will get you dates. It will get you women, but ultimately, what those men who have written these books have found is that it's really, it's unfulfilling at the end. Yes, it's great, right? I don't. I don't get a lot of dates. I'm a virgin. I don't. Nobody likes me. I'm going to do whatever I can to get a date, have sex, feel good and it's wonderful for a moment, or for a week or for a month or however long. But ultimately, you're relying on something external to yourself to validate you. If I, what does it mean if I don't have sex or if I don't get a date, if I only feel good about myself because I've managed to get a woman? And this, this is myself I'm talking about.

Speaker 1: 14:12

All through my twenties and early thirties, I was a serial monogamous, because I couldn't ever not be with somebody, because I felt that meant I was alone and I was a loser and I wasn't good enough. That's really the, ultimately, the core pain that we all have. So what these, these players have found out is that it doesn't matter what your notches on your belt add up to. At the end of the day, we all want something deeper, just like Jim Carrey gave a famous speech at a graduation one time where he said I wish that you could all have $10 million so that you realize you don't feel any better with $10 million. You're still you. You just happen to have $10 million. You're still you, you just happen to have $10 million.

Speaker 2: 14:53

Yeah, yeah. And then especially like the guys that use the lines to get the girls and then it's not fulfilling, like you said, but then they know they're kind of tricking, they know it's not really them doing it, so then that makes them feel bad about themselves, I would guess after a while.

Speaker 1: 15:06

Yeah, exactly, and it depends on where you are in your journey, right? What? What level of consciousness are you at? You know, when I was 25, if you gave me some of those lines and I could get some, I would have taken them and used them and I would have got some right. And I, I did all that and it didn't didn't make me feel any better about myself because it wears off. And then you're just seeking the next high. It's, it's, you know, a dopamine hit and that wears off and you got to go get the next one. It's like I need my fix. It's unsustainable.

Speaker 2: 15:37

Yeah, yeah, I can see that. What would be another tip that you would give?

Speaker 1: 15:41

Okay.

Speaker 1: 15:42

So one of the things that most of us have an issue with whether it's with women or in sales or whatever it might be is this, this fear of rejection.

Speaker 1: 15:52

Why don't we go talk to the pretty girl right? We're at the bar, we're at a party or the grocery store, wherever you are, and people ask all the time you know where do you meet women? Wherever you are, like literally wherever you are, and, honestly, places aside from bars and nightclubs are generally better, because when you go to the bar and the nightclub, everybody's kind of got their guard up a little bit, even if they're looking, because they know you're looking too. But when I've successfully gotten a phone number or whatever it is, it's usually I just turn around and, boom, she's right there in front of me and I didn't have a chance to psych myself out right by thinking about you know what am I going to say? How am I going to say? How am I going to press? As soon as you get in your head, you're dead.

Speaker 1: 16:36

But it's because we have this fear of rejection. It comes back to that, all right. Well, what does it mean if this person doesn't like me? And that's where I work with my men to get into that self-confidence and that self-growth mentality of I'm good enough without Like go and that self-growth mentality of I'm good enough without like go. Reject me a hundred times and I still feel wonderful about myself.

Speaker 1: 16:58

And that's a long journey but that's ultimately what's gonna lead us to where we wanna go, because rejection doesn't feel good in the moment and we're getting a little bit into the spiritual side, right, the divinity part of what I do, but really that's why we're getting. We're getting a little bit into the spiritual side, right, the divinity part of what I do, but really that's why we're here on earth or in the 3d realm, or whatever you want to call it is to experience all the stuff. Right, to experience the rejection and the loss and the pain and the breakups and the cheating, because we know when we're in spirit, when we're like just this light, whatever we are again, depending on what your beliefs are we don't have any of that. So I believe we came to earth to experience all those different things.

Speaker 2: 17:41

Yeah, and I'm going to ask a question about something you said earlier. I've heard and I think this is true that the more attractive a woman is, the less likely guys are going to talk to her, or unless does it, or unless I'm totally wrong. What do you think?

Speaker 1: 17:54

That's totally true and I've actually had several conversations with really good looking women about this. And it's because we are placing higher value on the, on the woman, and so we're we're making the stakes higher for ourselves. So, oh, man, you know, part of it is self-image. I, you know, I I can't go after her. She's a nine or a 10. Like, I'm good enough for a six or a seven, so I'll approach that woman at the bar or the coffee shop. So part of it is that the irony in all this, tamara, is that those same really good looking women actually get approached less.

Speaker 1: 18:32

And multiple women have told me the same thing. Because they're of what we just described, that the men think. The men think, oh my God, she must. She's so beautiful, she must get hit on all the time. She's so tired of it. I don't want to be one more guy, I don't want to bother and I'm never going to get her anyway. I don't know if they quite understand that some of the dynamic that's going on, but they're like as much as any other woman, if it's done respectfully, they want to be approached. You is such a compliment for a man to come up and say hey, I just saw you and wanted to let you know that you're really beautiful. What woman doesn't want to hear that?

Speaker 2: 19:07

Yeah, yeah, I mean I'm a little older now, but I like to say I'm one of those women that I feel like I don't know like people say, like I would have been intimidated to talk to you, like if I didn't start talking first, and that's yeah. It's just annoying and frustrating. Everyone always assumes like, oh, my God, you must have so many matches, you must have so many of this and not as much as you think, in fact, a lot less, so yeah.

Speaker 1: 19:29

Yeah, and you may. You may get matches if you're doing the dating apps right, cause it's easy to just swipe right. It's much different to walk up to somebody you know who's looking at their cantaloupes in the grocery store and asking you know who's looking at their cantaloupes in the grocery store and asking how do you pick the ripest one? Like that's. The other thing is you don't have to come in hard like a kamikaze pilot and be like hey, I want to have sex with you, even though that's probably what you're thinking as a guy, right, but like that's. The other piece is this this is a woman, this is a person, this is a soul who has hopes and dreams and fears, just like we do, and we forget that because we get so blinded by their beauty. What these women are craving more than anything else is just to be seen for who they are, for somebody to care about their heart, somebody to listen to them, somebody to go deeper than just appreciating them because they've got a nice figure.

Speaker 2: 20:24

Yeah, I was just going to bring up the figure part too. But, like as a guy, obviously you said earlier and we all know men are visual. But if can you, can they get over that and see the woman versus just the nice body or the nice you know, like it's? It seems some cannot in my experience.

Speaker 1: 20:40

Yeah, some cannot and some never will, and that's just where they are. Again, I don't judge it. I mean, I was there for a long time. There are moments where I still get that Like I'm not immune to any of this.

Speaker 2: 20:52

Yeah, it's just yeah. Like I said, it's nice to be approached Back in the day. That's what you did, like we didn't have the internet to do this, or all the apps to do this you just actually people talk to each other. And looked at each other and came up to each other and talked to each other. Yeah, it's like a better in my opinion, better time.

Speaker 1: 21:10

Well, and you can still do all of that, you know there. I mean, you can take courses out there on how to how to attract somebody through a dating app, how to your profile pictures to look like, what kind of message to have in there, what texts to send to get them on the phone, and that's great, Like if it gets you the opportunity to connect live and in person or on the phone or whatever it is that's great. But all the same, opportunities still exist to connect out in the world and one of my strongest pieces of advice is get off the apps or just use them for practice, for bantering and flirting, and then get out there in the real world.

Speaker 2: 21:53

Yeah, yeah, and I think I've noticed more people are actually looking up from their phones nowadays. It used to be like everyone was stared at them and never looked up, but I think everyone's getting sick of it and they're actually looking up more yeah, people are craving connection more than ever.

Speaker 1: 22:10

yeah, and I think that's true even, um, especially like post-covid, when everybody was so isolated for, you know, a good year, two years, there was not a lot of stuff going on. People are still craving that connection, and when we're got our nose buried in our phone or our computer all day long, we're not getting it.

Speaker 2: 22:29

Yeah, yeah. Well, I think this is a good time to let people know how they could work with you or how to reach you.

Speaker 1: 22:35

Yeah, you know, one of the things actually that I didn't even talk about was some of the energy work that I do. I did mention that I incorporate that in my coaching. Most people have heard of things like Reiki. Right, it's energy healing, it's just connecting with source and bringing some good vibes into your body, and it's real.

Speaker 1: 22:53

I do other things as well, like kundalini activation, and kundalini comes back to the tantra philosophy. It's that sexual energy that's in our root, at the base of our spine, and in a Kundalini activation what we're doing is we're raising that up. So we're taking that sexual energy and we're rising it up into our heart, into our higher chakras, and I don't want to get too woo-woo here, but what it does is it raises our vibration and it allows us to use that creative force elsewhere in the world to create the stuff that we want. The reason I bring all that up is the fastest way to get ahold of me actually is to go to my website, which is tantratomcom wwwtantratomcom. I think you do have to put the W's in and that is specifically for the energy healing work that I do, but on that there's links for all my socials Facebook, instagram, youtube and so on.

Speaker 2: 23:49

Okay, all right. Well, any closing comments or stuff you want to just make sure the people listening get from you.

Speaker 1: 23:58

Yeah, just you know, for the guys that are looking for the woman, you know, bringing it back to what I said at the beginning just you know, for the guys that are looking for the woman, you know, bringing it back to what I said at the beginning just make yourself the best version of who you are. Go have fun in life without women. Find men to spend time with and bond with whether that's, you know, fishing, where women don't like to go, or whatever it is and get comfortable in your masculinity. Grow yourself so that you become the man that the women are attracted to. And remember they're human, they're wanting to be approached. They want the connection just as much as we do. So it's, you know, easy to say, harder to do. But roll the dice and just go say hi.

Speaker 2: 24:40

Yeah, definitely. I second that on behalf of all the women that like it. Yeah, I mean, and there's a way to do it, like I'm sure you know, like you said, it doesn't have to be a crazy line, just literally, you know, like an example of you talked about the cantaloupe, like, or there's like, yeah, just strike up conversations. Would you agree with that part?

Speaker 1: 25:01

Absolutely Many women have told me the best line is hi, my name's Tom.

Speaker 2: 25:06

Yeah, I think that's a good place to leave it, actually All right. Well, thank you very much for being on.

Speaker 1: 25:11

Thanks for having me on, tamara, it's been a pleasure. Thanks, frank Talk. Frank Talk Sex and Dating Educates.