#84 Protect Yourself from Online Dating and Financial Scams with Hilsy's Story

Have you ever received excessive flattery from a stranger online and wondered if it was too good to be true? Join us as we sit down with Hilsy, who bravely shares her harrowing experience of falling victim to an online romance scam. Her candid account of emotional upheaval and the psychological manipulation she endured serves as a vital reminder of the importance of self-awareness and vigilance in the digital dating world. We promise you'll walk away with practical tips to spot red flags and protect yourself from similar heartbreak.

Setting boundaries and understanding the tactics scammers use can mean the difference between a genuine connection and a devastating scam. Hear about the ingenious ways scammers weave their webs, from sophisticated video impersonations to elaborate excuses for avoiding face-to-face meetings. We'll explore the necessity of quick, in-person meetups and the power of thorough research, as illustrated by stories of human trafficking schemes and fake personas. With insights from Hilsy’s personal journey and real-life experiences, this episode is a toolkit for maintaining your safety and sanity in the often murky waters of online dating.

The digital world can be a minefield, but it doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom. While scams are rampant, genuine connections can still be made, and we arm you with the knowledge to navigate this landscape safely. Learn from a story about a chilling phone scam and discover how keeping your personal information secure can prevent such nightmares. With advice from the FBI and tales of recovery and resilience, we emphasize the importance of support, self-reflection, and self-love in the aftermath of being scammed. This episode is more than just a warning; it’s a guide to empowering yourself in the realm of online connections.

Chapters

• 0:00 Online Dating Scam Warning Signs
• 11:59 Online Dating Precautions and Scam Awareness
• 21:11 Online Dating Safety and Scam Awareness
• 26:03 Heartbreaking Romance Scam Warning
• 34:53 Avoiding Online Scams and Protecting Yourself

Transcript

Tamara: 0:00

Welcome to the Straight from the Source's Mouth podcast. Frank talk about sex and dating. Hello, tamara here, welcome to the show. Are you looking for love or romance online? Well, this is the show for you. Today's guest is Hilsy, and we'll be sharing an embarrassing story about being wooed into love and later scammed. Unfortunately, it's much more common than people realize. It's just that most are too ashamed to talk about it. But the more this is discussed in the open, the more we can prevent others from going through it as well. In fact, it's so prevalent that an FBI task force was created to bring awareness to the problem and allow you to report the crime. Thanks for joining me, hilsey.

Hilsy: 0:41

Hi, tamara, good to see you, good to be here with you.

Tamara: 0:44

Yes, Thank you for coming on. I mean, obviously it's not necessarily the best topic to want to bring up, but I wanted to have you on just for the reason that it is so prevalent and just let people understand what to look out for and hopefully they don't fall into this as well.

Hilsy: 1:03

Yes, it's a very difficult topic for me. This happened to me two years ago and it's been really. It was very heartbreaking when it occurred. When I found out that I was being scammed, I just felt like my whole world crashed and I was angry. I was angry, I was upset, Um, I was embarrassed. I didn't want nothing to do with anybody, I just wanted to hide. Um, it hurt. It hurt very much because I became vulnerable with this person and, um, it was hard. It was a very difficult time for me. So I was a little bit hesitant to talk to you about this because it's very, um, just just heartbreaking. It was. I've I've healed since then, Um, but still a little, at this point, a bit embarrassing looking back at you. Know, how could I, how did I fall for this?

Hilsy: 2:08

So when you share that you want to let your listeners know what to look out for. You know I said yeah because I'd hate for more people to fall into this trap. It is very heartbreaking.

Tamara: 2:24

Yeah, to fall into this trap. It's, it's. It is very heartbreaking, yeah, it's. The heartbreaking part too which I didn't even like think about is more like the loss of you know cause, the financial part of it too. But yeah, if you, you literally think you're in love with someone and then you have to grieve that relationship, that never really was, but you it felt real and yeah. So I just want to kind of get to the beginning of like like how were you contacted or did you contact? Was it a dating site or? And just kind of get through. And then as we go through, we can talk about like a red flag you could have seen but didn't know at the time. Or at the end we can talk about some of the stuff to kind of look out for. But just like, where, how did it start?

Hilsy: 2:59

Yeah, absolutely so. It was two years ago, 2022. I'd just gotten out of a very long relationship. I was in a relationship for six years and I thought that I needed to be in another relationship to feel fulfilled. And so, right there, that's a red flag on me, um. So right there, that's a red flag on me, um, and that this is what I discovered after the fact, doing it like a, I did self-reflection of where did I go wrong? So I was unfulfilled to myself, looking for a relationship, and I think a lot of people do that. A lot of people think that they need to be in a partnership and a relationship in order to be happy, in order to feel fulfilled in life, and so they look for that another to fulfill them. And so that, right, there was a red flag on me looking for someone to fulfill me. So, right there, I was already vulnerable.

Hilsy: 4:07

So these scammers look for men or women that are emotionally needy or who are looking for that love, right? So, yeah, you go on a dating site to meet someone, right? And so they start right away. Site to meet someone right, and so they start right away. So the way this one happened and, incidentally, this was the second guy who tried to scam me. So the first guy, we were in communication for about a week and their target is they talk to you really nicely and it's all via chat. So they'll say like oh, hello, beautiful, how are you? You look amazing, your picture looks so good, and so that like kind of hooks you. If, if, right, if there's a red flag over here with you, like if you're looking for that love and affirmation, you're like Ooh, someone's giving me attention, okay. So, however, if, if you don't have that red flag yourself, someone comes on that strongly, now I'm like wait a minute, you don't even know me, right? How can you be talking to me this way? You don't even know me. But of course you know, I didn't know that that was a hook to get in with me. Then they start.

Hilsy: 5:31

Their other tactic is, if you start responding to them, they'll start texting you constantly, just constantly. How are you? What are you doing? I really like whatever picture you posted. Um, I really like whatever picture you posted. What are you into? If they're really good scammers, if they've been doing it for a long time, they'll act like it's a normal conversation via text. If they're brand new at being a scammer, they will send you like a paragraph long, right at the beginning. So that's a red flag, meaning they'll say hi, you look so good in your picture, you're beautiful. I'm looking for someone like you. You look very loving and gentle in this. You know, they'll make up all this stuff and they'll give you like a whole paragraph and you're like wait a second, I, you don't know me. How can you? How are you talking to me?

Tamara: 6:27

Like you know me.

Hilsy: 6:28

Yeah, right, so that's a red flag right there. Has that ever occurred to you, uh?

Tamara: 6:33

no, no, I mean I. That's why I asked you in the beginning like which site was it on Cause? I think that would help me understand better. Like was it an actual like a dating site itself? Or facebook or instagram? Because I've had no reach out on apps like facebook and instagram. I just don't ever reply okay, no, I've had it.

Hilsy: 6:52

Um, I've been on several dating sites in the past two years, so it happened to me. It happened to me on hinge. It happened to me on bum. This particular one was on one called Elite Singles. However, I have had it happen on Bumble, on Hinge. I even went on Tinder, believe it or not, just to check it out. It even happened on Tinder. So it's on all the websites, it's all on all the dating apps. So it's on all the websites, it's all on the all the dating apps.

Hilsy: 7:26

Okay, yep, and what? What got me was with the second guy was he asked for my number right away and I gave him my number and he called me, and so it was like a real person on the other end and he said he was local and that he was working, and so then he would call me. So he's like, hey, you know, I'm so and so, so nice to meet you, and then he would send me pictures of himself doing something. So I'm like, oh, this guy is for real, right. And so it made it more believable.

Hilsy: 8:06

He was a really, really good scammer, yeah, um, and he would like, by the second day, like the first day, he called me like three or four times. The second day he called me about six, seven times and he would talk about oh, you know, I would love to take you out to this place and I wanted we should go check out this restaurant and but I'm working this weekend, maybe the following weekend we can see each other. So it was very believable. That was an actual person in my area. Yeah, he knew the area and he would talk about restaurants in the area or places in the area. So it made it very believable that this is a real person that's in that area.

Tamara: 8:51

Yeah.

Hilsy: 8:51

So that's what made him really really good.

Tamara: 8:54

Yeah, and I know one of the things the FBI talks about is if you haven't met in person within a few months, that's probably something suspicious. And did he give excuses all along, or they were seem totally viable.

Hilsy: 9:08

Oh yeah, he did so. He would tell me. So this happened. I was living in the Washington DC area, I was living in Virginia, and so he said he lived in Maryland and he gave me the name of the place in Maryland and would say, well, I'm taking my son to this school and I'm dropping him off, and then my mom is here visiting and my mom has cancer, and then he starts telling me the sob story of his mom like within the third day of knowing him. And you know I love my mom and all this about the mom. So these are now starts with like maybe four calls on the first day, second day, six to seven on the third date is like constant calling, constant texting. I'm thinking of you, I can't stop thinking about you. Oh, you're so beautiful, you're so this, you're so that Right. So, like I said, this guy was a professional.

Tamara: 10:05

Yeah.

Hilsy: 10:06

Now let me pause it there. So for your listeners, who may not get a professional guy like this right away, I would say, red flags to look for on the dating apps is if they send you this long paragraph right at the beginning tell you you're beautiful, you're so handsome and I'm in the military, or I'm traveling, or I have a son and I need a nanny, or I'm divorced like right away, right off the bat, and they tell you that they want a relationship with someone, that they can travel or do things, but, like even before getting to know you, they tell you these things. That's a red flag. So what I usually see now that I know that, I'll ask them, I'll say, oh okay, good to know when can we meet?

Hilsy: 11:07

And they'll say, well, let's talk offline. They'll say that They'll like send me your number and I'll call you offline, Because they'll either say I hardly check my messages on the site. They'll say that my messages on the site, They'll say that. Or they'll say I'm always on the go and it's just easier for me to call you At that point. That's another red flag. Do not give them your phone number. Stay on the chat and I've told and I've said to them. I prefer to communicate via this chat. Then they go dead silent and then they drop off.

Tamara: 11:47

Yeah.

Hilsy: 11:48

And that's how I know like, oh, that was a scammer. And if they agree to stay on the chat then I ask them well, let's meet. So a girlfriend of mine her rule is if they cannot see you within three days then she drops them. I think that's a really great rule.

Tamara: 12:11

Yeah, I mean, mine's a little longer than that, but yeah, I can see where, at least within the first week or two. Like you know, I've never been scammed because I've always met them fairly soon and, like you said, you just meet them right away, within three to five days.

Hilsy: 12:27

I wouldn't go longer than a week because they can like, rope you in, like, oh, I have to travel. Oh, and that's what this the scammer did to me. Like, oh, I have to travel to this other state and, um, go, get you know something for work or have to do a presentation. I won't be able to meet with you, I won't be able to do this. So it was like excuse after excuse after excuse. So I was like okay, okay, right, because we kept talking and I kept liking the guy. So, yeah, no, come up with a rule for yourself to say if I don't meet this person within X number of days of talking, then drop them.

Tamara: 13:25

Yeah, and I've, and I've had a couple of people want to go to the phone, which and they, they turned out they weren't scammers. But I also, like, had plans to meet too. So it was like, but yeah, I can see where, just waiting until you actually meet them to do the number thing makes more sense, just in case yes, yeah, just in case, because this the scammer was like yeah, let's meet.

Hilsy: 13:45

Well, let's meet at x place at x time. And he gave me a place in the area and, um the a few hours before we were supposed to meet, he called and he was like my mom's sick, she just had chemo this morning. She's throwing up, I can't meet with you. And then I was like well, I can bring something to you guys. Oh, no, no, she doesn't want to see anybody. And I can't leave my son by himself, Right? So it was all these excuses which I bought into.

Tamara: 14:16

Yeah, and how long did it? Did it generally on like or not generally? Did it go on until you realized he was a scammer? Um?

Hilsy: 14:26

or how long did it?

Tamara: 14:27

take to fall yeah yeah, for two months. It was two months yeah, of constant calls and talks constant calls and talks and he did do a video.

Hilsy: 14:38

So he's like I'll call you, I'm gonna call you, I'm going to call you via. I'm going to call you, and I think it was via Skype. And then later I found out that scammers do this. So what they will do is they will do a recording of the person. So, in my case, the guy he pretended to be the celebrity, this Brazilian celebrity, right, right, like I have no idea who this brazilian person is, right, so this brazilian celebrity had had videos that he had posted on instagram. So this the scammer had downloaded one of these videos and they do voiceovers. So now, with ai, you can do so much.

Hilsy: 15:17

So he would call me via Skype, play the video so I'm seeing him, and then the video would last. It was kind of like a little blurry, like it would break up a little bit, but it was just enough for I could see him, and then he would be saying my name and then it would cut off and so I would be like, hey, what happened? And then he would text me and say, oh, it's a really bad connection, or whatever whatever excuse, and then I would buy it.

Tamara: 15:53

Yeah, yeah, I mean and I was gonna talk about this too there's basically human trafficking, where people are forced to do this, like they are put into slave labor camps, and they are forced to go online and seduce people and try to get money from them, like lured into thinking they're coming in for a job, and then, once they get there, it turns out to be that they have to sit there at the computer and scam people all day long and get their money, and I'm sure you know so they learn how to do it. I'm sure they taught them all how to do it. You know the AI, like you said, and all this stuff out there nowadays, like you definitely have to be careful.

Hilsy: 16:31

Well, yeah, and that's what happened. So I met a guy previous to the second skimmer and we talked for about a week and he would send me pictures. He was supposedly in California and so he would send me pictures of like these very expensive restaurants that he would go eat, right. So he found out what I'd liked, so I like to eat really good food. So he would send me pictures of him dining at this really fancy restaurant and would say, oh, you know, I want to bring you here or take pictures of like him driving in his convertible down the street with, like, the palm trees, right. And then one of these, he sends me a picture of this house that he supposedly owned in Florida and he's like, yeah, I want to take you there, so let's meet there. So he sends me a picture of this, right, and I'm like that's a really fancy house. So I look it up.

Hilsy: 17:30

So one thing about me I've been in real estate and so I looked this house up. I found the address. I go look at the tax records, I go look to see who owns the house, and it was not the guy I was talking to. It happened to be owned by this retired colonel that was very famous and I was like something's off here. So then I kind of played his little game. So what essentially was trying to do was he was into day trading and would send me his day trades and show me how much money he made. So where he was going with this was trying to get me to give him money so that I could too, day trade.

Tamara: 18:21

Yeah.

Hilsy: 18:23

And then, surprisingly enough or coincidentally, on Instagram and on Facebook, I started getting people to do crypto trading and day trading. So what I've heard in the little research that I've done is that scammers have this list that has your name kind of like the black list or this list and they put people's names on there that they've scammed or that they're talking to and they'll put their details out on there Put your phone number, your picture, your email so that other scammers can target you.

Tamara: 19:04

Wow.

Hilsy: 19:06

Okay, so that's scary.

Tamara: 19:08

Yeah.

Hilsy: 19:10

Right, and so it's a very real thing. I started getting targeted by all these different groups of hey, invest here, invest there all kinds of stuff and they look like normal people, they look like good people, but you don't know who's behind that beautiful face or handsome face.

Tamara: 19:31

Yeah, I wish I could remember the name. There's a show on Netflix that basically you know, they catfishing, where they use other people's pictures for different online ads, kind of like you're saying and then it was. It happened to be a picture of her ex-boyfriend, but they didn't realize that, obviously you know. So the picture, then she was happened to be a cop, so it worked out. But yeah, I mean, it's just crazy how, and like you said, the AI and all the deep fakes and all that stuff, like I can't even imagine, especially getting on this list like they are, you're already vulnerable and then, like you're going to, if you get bombarded with like 12 to 15 threats or like you know crazy scams, you might, one might actually look real enough to do like it's just yeah. So what ended up happening with? Or what if there's more to the beginning of the story? Or you can jump right to like the If there's more to the beginning of the story, or you can jump right to the consequences.

Hilsy: 20:20

Yeah. So the other thing I do want to share is that between the first scammer and the second scammer, what happened was because I was on these dating sites I hadn't told my family. One thing that I discovered with these dating apps is that they can track your location and so it'll track you and show people you know who's around if they want to date. So in one of these I happened to have gone to Florida for a workshop and then had driven down so on my way. So in Florida I kind of signed up for these apps. Then I drove from Florida to Virginia. When I got home I had, like all these crazy let's say, 2,000 likes, right, like I was. Like that is insane.

Hilsy: 21:12

Two weeks later my parents get a phone call with this girl crying and the girl says to them mom, I've been kidnapped, but she's muffled. And this guy comes on the phone and says if you want to see your daughter alive, you have to send us $20,000. Now it just happened, coincidentally, that day I had gone into the office and I worked in a place where there was no cell phone reception and so I had put my phone on my desk. So I'm like I can't make any calls, I don't need my phone. So I had been in this training all day. So I had been in this training all day. My parents got the call around noon, actually around 10 in the morning. I'm all day. I don't get my phone until about 4.30 or 5, when I'm finally in the room where there's cell phone reception and I see all these missed calls.

Hilsy: 22:18

My ex-husband called me. He never calls me. You texted me. Hey, are you okay? My mom had called me a million times. My best friend called me, my employer called like all these people are calling me and texting me, are you okay? And I'm like what, what's happening? I finally like um, I called my mom and she started crying. She's like are you okay? I said, yeah, I'm fine. What's going on? And she goes oh my gosh, I got this call this morning saying that you were kidnapped and you were on the phone crying and that if I didn't give them $20,000, they were going to kill you.

Tamara: 23:04

Wow.

Hilsy: 23:05

So I was like, what now? I didn't tell my parents. They got my phone or my information from these dating apps Right? I couldn't tell them that yeah. But that's something like you have to be very careful because this happens a lot. Now, fortunately my mom she's a tough lady Like she got. She talked the guy down to one hundred dollars OK and he was like only one hundred dollars.

Hilsy: 23:38

Your daughter's life doesn't matter. And she was like my husband just had a heart attack. We don't have that kind of money, are you crazy? Right? So it went away. But I was at the bank actually a couple of weeks ago and the same thing happened to a customer that was in there Actually, it was her niece. They did that and the mom paid the $20,000. It's crazy, so don't. If you get a call like that, just hang up, call the police. Don't believe it.

Tamara: 24:15

Yeah.

Hilsy: 24:16

Because there's so many different scams out there. So if you're going to be online dating, just be careful who you share your phone number with. My rule now well, I'm dating someone, I'm in a relationship now, but prior to that I wouldn't give them my phone number until we met in person. And if that worked out and there was a connection there, then I would give them my phone number. If there was no connection, forget it. No phone number.

Tamara: 24:44

Yeah.

Hilsy: 24:45

Because of what I've gone through. So if this helps the listeners, just be very, very careful out there.

Tamara: 24:51

Yeah, and I mean I've only ever been on like two sites, so maybe that's part of the issue or like what's helped me or saved me, because I'm pretty much only on, like Bumble and I was on match years ago, but I've I've don't go on all of them and I don't sign up much, like I don't know I've got some lifetime membership thing for Bumble somehow and like I can keep it forever and I just snooze it when I don't need it. But and then Bumble also I know you said you got someone there as well, so they actually, I guess if you respond to them, then they would send your wonderful stuff.

Hilsy: 25:26

Oh, yeah, yeah, just be very careful out there and don't get me wrong. I've met some great guys on all the sites, including Tinder, believe it or not. I met this great guy and we hit it off and he wasn't ready for anything. So there's good people out there, so don't shy away from it. Just be aware of what's out there and know how to weed them out.

Tamara: 25:53

Yeah, I'm going to read the thing from the FBI to like say what to protect yourself or how to do that, and we've covered some of this. But just to make it extra clear. So be careful what you post and make public. Online Scammers can use details shared on social media and dating sites to better understand and target you. Research the person's photo and profile using online searches to see if the image, name or details have been used elsewhere. That's pretty easy nowadays. For sure, go slowly, ask a lot of questions while you're in the beginning phases. Beware if the individual seems too perfect or quickly asks you to leave a dating service or social media site to communicate directly.

Hilsy: 26:31

Yes.

Tamara: 26:31

Beware if the individual attempts to isolate you from friends and family or request inappropriate photos or financial information that could later be used to extort you. Beware if the individual promises to meet you in person, then always comes up with an excuse why he or she can't. If you haven't met the person, this says after a few months, but we talked earlier about more like days or weeks. For what a reason you have good reason to be suspicious. No-transcript.

Hilsy: 27:01

Yes, yes, and that I I didn't know that I I quote, unquote fell in love with this guy because he was constantly in my ear, constantly in my ear, and I I mean it was an incredible time for me because I got to do things that I never thought possible Like he. He knew what he was doing, meaning like he would motivate me, inspire me, tell me how much he loved me and how much he believed in me, and I shared with him some of the stuff that I was working on, so he would like incentivize me like oh, baby, I know you can do it. Like he was that support for me and that just made me fall more in love with him, even though I didn't see him, and because he would send me these pictures that were not even him, I thought it was him. Yeah, right, and so then I would share pictures too, and so there was like this connection that was created, that made it that it felt so real.

Tamara: 28:01

Yeah.

Hilsy: 28:08

And the way that I got scammed was he had this supposedly engineering business and he was going to go to do this business in Alaska and install oil pipes. And he sent me the actual documents. So he sent me the proposal, he sent me the invitation letter from, or the acceptance letter from, this company. He sent me pictures of him being on the airplane, like it was so believable, he was so good, he was really really good and a total professional, and so I believed everything. And there was one instance where he showed me his bank account and I mean he had millions in his bank account.

Hilsy: 28:45

Obviously it was rigged, but I didn't know. He had shared his website with me and I'm an IT professional and I fell for it. So now what I do, meaning what I mean by that, I didn't do my research on the website, right, I did it after the fact. So after the fact, I looked up his website and it was all fake, like it was open in Amsterdam, right, and there was no contact. There's no like traceability back to who owns the website. That would have been. Had I done that at the beginning, I would have been like Ooh, red flag.

Tamara: 29:22

Yeah.

Hilsy: 29:23

Who is this guy? Right? So, cause, usually when businesses register their their website, there's a contact information contact name, address and phone number. He had none of them, yeah, and there, and there are laws that protects that information from consumers. So just be very careful, do your research. Like I said, this guy was complete professional, yeah, in doing that, so I believed it. And so what happened? The first time that I sent him money was, um, he, so he was doing this business transaction. He was going to send this money out to buy material. He's showing me his bank account and on the bank account, right, all the stuff that he had told me he had bought for me was on there. So I'm seeing, like the gift of the necklace he bought me at Tiffany's, like all this stuff that he said he had bought for me, that he was going to give me, when we saw each other when he came back from Alaska, and I believed it.

Tamara: 30:24

Yeah.

Hilsy: 30:24

So I'm in there. He's like, oh my gosh, I I lost cell phone thing, I can't internet signal, I can't send this wire payment. Can you send this wire payment for me? So I'm like, okay, sure, like he was calling me from somebody else's phone or whatever it was. So I'm in there in the account locks up. He had to send all this money out so he can get his material, so that he could do his work. So then I'm like, okay, well, let me partner with you and I'll support your business and I will. I'll do this as a business transaction and we'll I'll partner up with you and support you in this business.

Tamara: 31:09

Yeah.

Hilsy: 31:09

Because this was our business. Now, right, so that's how he got me. So I see it's locked up. He, he had to, like, travel to London because it was a Barclay bank to open or unlock the business account and he was like I really need this money. So stupid me. I have the money, I sent him the money, I wire it, yeah, and he gives me the name of the vendor and all the wire transaction et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. So it like at that point, because there was websites, vendor size invoices, the whole thing was so very, very believable yeah and that's how it started.

Hilsy: 31:56

Um, luckily, I shared with my family about this guy and I was so crazy about him I shared pictures of him to my cousins and they were like this guy doesn't sound like he's real, but we believe he's a scammer, like the whole family started trying to warn me and I wasn't buying it. As a matter of fact, I became upset at them, I became angry and, tamara, you know me, I'm not an angry person.

Tamara: 32:24

Yeah.

Hilsy: 32:25

I'm not vengeful, I'm not hateful, and I became that and I was very surprised that I was acting that way with my family. So, long story short, that happened like at towards the end of September. I kept sending the guy money. At the end of October, my cousins they're like you need to see this they send me this Instagram of the guy, who's actually the real person. They send him me his Instagram with his family, with his wife, with his kids, and I was in shock.

Tamara: 33:04

The picture you thought was the guy you're talking to.

Hilsy: 33:07

Yes, so what the scammer had done was used a lot of the pictures from this famous celebrity and he had cropped his face and put him in pictures of him supposedly working in Alaska in the oil rig, supposedly doing all these other things. I was just dumbfounded. I was for a loss of words I couldn't even describe. I cried, I called him, I yelled at him. I was like how could you do this to me? How could you do this to me? And then he just kept pretending that he loved me. He's like I don't know what you're talking about. I'm really me, I love you, I'm here for you. And I was like no, you don't do this to someone you love.

Hilsy: 34:13

And so I cut off all communication with him and I was just distraught, just so distraught because I put myself in so much financial um, financial burden. I took out personal loans to get this man for the business, and so I was just heartbroken, distraught, I couldn't believe it. I was hating myself. How could you fall for this? Are you that desperate? Like all these, all of these thoughts, like I'm so ashamed I can't show my face. I got depressed. I wanted nothing to do with anybody. It was hard, it was a very hard time for me.

Tamara: 34:54

Yeah, that sounds like it and, like you said, it was seems so believable, minus the part where he couldn't meet. But even then he had decent excuses and the fact that he was like let's meet here and I had to call you right before I've had that happen where, like, someone will call like oh, I can't meet this week, like, or now, like I'm on my way, sorry, something happened, let's meet tomorrow or whatever. So, like, everything you're saying is so believable and they've trained each other to do this to people.

Tamara: 35:19

You know, and there, and so many people have been a victim of this that it just no one really wants to share, because you know it seems embarrassing, like they were. How could they, like you said, how could you have fallen for it? But when it's this sophisticated, you know most people- oh, it's very, very, very, very, very sophisticated.

Hilsy: 35:39

He had it all down packed, he had the website, he had the, the business, the, the books, the invoices, the letters, the logos. He had it, all the pictures that went along with the story that he was telling me what was what he was doing or where he was at or where he was traveling, um, just the whole thing, even the fake bank account in the transactions and everything just very, very, very believable. And, like I said, like now, looking back, I mean I learned a lot from this experience and I think for me I was lucky enough that at that time I had a personal coach while this whole thing happened, and so this personal coach like really helped me come out of that, like he let me grieve it and then walk me through it. Yeah, so I don't think a lot of people have that, because I did some research on things that have happened like this on on women and men and some. It takes them decades to recover, years to recover and even trust someone, or even financially it's a huge financial burden. Yeah, and I was lucky that I had this coach that helped me through it and it took me some time and I went through the grievance process, because when you grieve, you're like I was sad, I was depressed, I was like how could this happen to me? And then it was like I became angry and I became hateful and very upset, and then it was like it took me a while to accept it, like this is it right. And then to know that I'm okay, it wasn't my fault, and then looking at like, how did this happen to me?

Hilsy: 37:36

And so I did a lot of self-reflection of what was missing with me, that I was looking for that in someone else. And I took some time to like, be with myself and journal. And I looked at some programs. There's some great programs out there on the website, on Facebook, on Instagram, and I found one of this woman about self-discovery and self-love and I did some of that journaling and what I discovered was I was missing love in my life growing up, so that I was looking for these relationships to fulfill me.

Hilsy: 38:13

So that was a really big change for me, that I started loving myself, doing self-love, and I started dating myself. So and I would still go on dates on the apps, but now I was a bit more aware. I had like, okay, this is what happened to me, these are these red flags. And so then I started dating to discover who I am and who and what I liked in guys or wouldn't like in guys. And it was. I had those rules If we couldn't meet within three days, forget it. I would not share my phone number. I would give them after we met and then, from that point on, my whole dating changed completely. But I did like I got bombarded by scammers and then I knew who they were.

Tamara: 39:06

Yeah, and just blocking them, like stop it, or like. I know you're on the. You said there's a list, so I'm guessing if you block enough of them, they'll probably like maybe they take you off the list, like nevermind, she's onto us, or something.

Hilsy: 39:19

I don't know. So the way the scams came interestingly it wasn't really romance, some some, it was a lot was things on my phone Like you have a UPS package, click on this link or we're interviewing and your resume came up. Click on this link, or I would get random text messages like hi, how are you today? And I'd be like who is this? Oh, this is. Let's say, this is, this, is Tony. I'm like I don't know a Tony and they'd be like oh, this isn't Mary, like no, oh well, you know, you sound like a nice person, can we chat? And I'd be like no, and then I'd block them.

Tamara: 40:11

Yeah, Okay, yeah, I have gotten stuff like that, like, oh, we're interviewing for this or that, but I just block them immediately if I don't know the people. So I've, I'm more, I'm much more skeptical and much more like assume the worst kind of person so it could be people that actually want to reach out, but I'm like Nope, I'm blocking you.

Hilsy: 40:28

Yeah, you don't. Yeah, at this point you don't know. But yeah, you'll get bombarded and all kinds of stuff Random emails, stuff on Facebook, stuff on Instagram, and yeah, no, I block, I block them. So, yeah, just be very careful with how you share your data out there.

Tamara: 40:50

Yeah, and I had a friend that was in a similar situation. It was a guy and he said that she came on really strong, really early, like you said, and wanted to get on WhatsApp right away. But he had they had been revealing like being vulnerable and like kind of she was trying to fast track a relationship. And he texted me because he knows I have this podcast. He's like I don't know what's happening and he's like you know, she's like really getting, like they're just getting really close or vulnerable. And then he's like and she's like it's a little a lot and I said, well, did she? If she went right to whatsapp, it's probably a scam. So he blocked her right away. So, like you said, it happens to men and women. Yeah, I think the biggest thing from the FBI stuff was take the pictures. I know there's a website to check pictures that have been used elsewhere and just double check.

Hilsy: 41:46

The other thing I want to share is be careful what you post, what pictures you post on social media, um, and what pictures you share with someone you're, um, on a dating site, just going back and forth, you know, if you haven't met that person in person? Um, because I had another thing happen to me. So I I'm originally from Honduras and a few years back I posted some things on Facebook, some pictures, and, um, actually it was last year my aunt calls me, send me a message on WhatsApp and she's like hey, I didn't know you were in Honduras, honduras, actually. She calls my mom. She's like how come you didn't tell us that Hilsey was coming to Honduras? We could have arranged to pick her up earlier. And my mom's like what do you mean? She's right here in front of me, she's not anywhere.

Hilsy: 42:37

And my aunt's like well, I just got a call from her saying that she's at the airport and that she needs money so she can get out of customs. Yeah, and my mom is like don't send the money, don't, right? And so what turned out to be was this guy, and he kept, and he would send her WhatsApp messages and send her pictures of me. So she thought it was me this guy was in prison and he pretended to be these other women, like he would have a high pitched voice, I guess, and and my, my aunt is a Christian woman, so she would have conversations, like she went along with it, and then he revealed that he was in prison and then that's how he was getting money for his family to to support his family. So, yeah, you know, just be careful. So many types of scams out there.

Tamara: 43:40

Yeah, for sure yeah, and definitely don't click links that you don't know where they come from.

Tamara: 43:44

And like you, said, yeah, all the extra cause the more you post and everyone wants to share their life all the time. But yeah, if you post a picture of a kid and then they're like, oh, they can see the name and they could message you and say we have your kid. And like it happened to you, you were out for the day without your phone and like 10 different people thought you were taken. Yeah, and like the woman you said at the bank who was taking out the $20,000 to pay someone that probably didn't even have her niece, obviously. Yes, All right. Well, I think you get the gist. People Definitely be careful out there. There are great people out there, for sure, and hopefully we'll all find each other. And now that it's even being scarier, hopefully more people will look up in real life and say hi to each other in real life and know that you're meeting real people. But as long as you're safe's, you can do online as well. But is there any like parting thoughts or closing comments you want to make?

Hilsy: 44:41

I would say, if you're out there dating, get to know you and just make sure you're dating because you want to share your life or have someone in your life to. I don't want to say to make it better, but to like have fun and enjoy life with and not someone in that you're dating for that reason, not because you feel alone and like you need someone to fulfill you and make you happy. No one can make you happy. The only person who can make you happy is yourself, and so find a partner that you're going to have fun with and enjoy each other and like increase or add to both of you. Add to each other's lives and make it enrich your lives. Not someone where, and not be in a dating, in a situation where you're unfulfilled, you feel empty and alone, where you're sad and depressed and you're wanting someone to fix you, or you want to fix someone. That's not going to work and that's what makes you more vulnerable and falling for scams like this.

Tamara: 45:50

Yeah, and now that you say that I meant to add this yeah, and now that you say that I meant to add we grow up with the fairy tales of finding our Prince Charming and all the movies. Are some guy coming in to rescue you and saying all the right things that you've always wanted to hear? And those are the ones that are the scammers, because the real guys they might think that stuff, but they're not that great at it. Real guys are not that great at dating, so they don't know all this stuff to say, you know, and it's the nicer ones that are probably the most clueless and the most you know unsure. So, oh, absolutely.

Hilsy: 46:25

Yes, I've seen that, yeah.

Tamara: 46:27

Give the weird guys a chance or the nice ones that stumble.

Hilsy: 46:31

That's right. Yeah, give those shy guys a chance, or shy women a chance?

Tamara: 46:41

Exactly, yeah, and thank you so much for doing this and I know, like you said, it's a little embarrassing, but it's been a couple of years, so hopefully you've, as you said, you've healed, you've grown, you've learned from it, and hopefully this will help others just not to fall for this or get out of it if they are in it, and do some more research. You know, if they think they're in the middle of something like this, Absolutely yes, and it does happen more often than we, than we think.

Hilsy: 47:00

I've shared my story with a few men and women and, surprisingly, I've met about four or five men and women who has, who they've sent money, they've been scammed, and even family members who were scammed in buying things from Facebook. A family member was buying this puppy and the person said, well, send us the money first and then we'll meet you and give you the puppy. And she sent the money and they never got the puppy. So it's all different types of scams out there. So just be very, very careful for sure.

Tamara: 47:38

All right, well, I will leave it there, and if you learned something from this episode or enjoyed it, be sure to like it and share it with your friends and rate it as well. So thank you again for being on.

Hilsy: 47:48

He'll see thank you for having me this. Um, this is very helpful for me to come out of the closet with this information.

Tamara: 47:58

Yeah, essentially knowing yes, and especially knowing you're helping others. Like you know, if anyone can learn, if only one person is, doesn't fall for this because of this, that'd be awesome so yes, absolutely yes.

Hilsy: 48:10

Yeah, be careful, have fun dating you, just be very careful.

Tamara: 48:14

Yeah, well said. All right, thanks everyone. Hope you enjoyed it. Bye.

Hilsy: 48:20

Bye.