Straight from the Source's Mouth: Frank Talk about Sex and Dating
Are you perpetually single? Do you want longer-lasting relationships? Tired of the miscommunication and misunderstandings? Wish you were better in bed? Advice from experts as well as real talk from real people so that you can see you are not alone in your thoughts and experiences. I talk about sex in my stand-up comedy and people often tell me that I say what they are thinking but are too afraid to say or admit it to their partners; too taboo they think. We'll talk about books we've read on dating, relationships and sex so that you can gain knowledge without having to read all the books yourself. I'll interview people on both sides of an issue: people who are great at dating and unsuccessful at dating...learn from the person who's great and also learn what not to do! We'll do the same with sex and relationships so that you can learn what works so you don't need to repeat others' past mistakes. I'll interview sex coaches and love coaches. We intend this to be a how-to guide. Hit subscribe and join us!
Straight from the Source's Mouth: Frank Talk about Sex and Dating
#91 YouTube Sensation Caitlin V Does What She Does Best
What if everything you thought you knew about male sexuality was incomplete? Beyond the cultural messaging that men should "get up, stay up, and get off on command," lies a rich landscape of physical, emotional, and mental dimensions rarely explored in mainstream conversations.
In this revealing episode, Caitlin V—renowned men's sex and relationship coach with nearly 900,000 YouTube subscribers—shares her revolutionary approach to addressing erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and performance anxiety. Rather than reaching for a pill or viewing these challenges as permanent conditions, Caitlin guides us through her holistic framework that begins with physical health but extends far beyond.
We explore how our internal narratives create either freedom or limitation in the bedroom, how unprocessed emotions manifest as physical symptoms, and why relationship dynamics directly impact sexual satisfaction. Caitlin debunks the common advice to "spice things up," suggesting instead that deep presence—truly being attentive to every touch, breath, and sensation—creates more profound sexual experiences than novelty alone.
The conversation takes fascinating turns through topics like contemporary sex education, emerging sex technologies, and the neuroscience of touch. Did you know specific nerve cells in our skin respond exclusively to gentle stroking, releasing bonding hormones that create the foundation for intimacy? Or that changing how you self-pleasure can dramatically improve sexual stamina?
Whether you're struggling with sexual difficulties, seeking to deepen your intimate connections, or simply curious about the complexity of human sexuality, this episode offers practical wisdom and a refreshing perspective. Caitlin reminds us that healthy sexual expression is our birthright—not just for personal fulfillment, but as a contribution to a better world. Taking the next step in your sexual journey, whether through education, communication, or seeking support, might be one of the most transformative choices you make.
http://trygroovething.com/caitlinv
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Welcome to the Straight from the Source's Mouth podcast. Frank talk about sex and dating.
Speaker 2:Hello, tamara here, welcome to the show. Today's guest is Caitlin V, renowned men's sex and relationship coach, as well as a YouTube and TEDx sensation and educator, and we'll be talking about overcoming ED, premature ejaculation, performance anxiety and sexual confidence. Thanks for joining me, caitlin. Thank you, confidence.
Speaker 2:thanks for joining me, caitlin thank you so much for having me yeah, I, I mentioned um, I haven't heard of you until I started googling. And then, of course, you come, we pop up right away. So you have a huge youtube following, as I said, sensation and the videos, like your, your energy is off the charts and, like you, provide great information. So I'm super excited to have you on.
Speaker 1:Thank you. Yeah, it's a. It's a real privilege to have the platform that I have and uh I've been at it for a long time now, so very excited to uh be able to share uh with your audience and beyond.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, thank you again.
Speaker 2:And, um, do and do you want to just get started with how I know you used to do public health education and other stuff like that, and what got you into the sex side of it?
Speaker 1:Well, I knew from a very early age, like 14 years old, that I was going to help people to enjoy sex more for a living. My parents kind of hoped that it was a phase, and here we are, more than 20 years later. It was not. I knew that for two reasons. One I figured out how to give myself orgasms when I was very young, like around the age of three, and of course didn't know there was anything like sexual about that. There's nothing like inherently sexual about orgasms, especially in children. You're just like this body does this thing. But then when I got to sex ed and they started talking about this disease focused, you know, pregnancy avoidance, model of sexuality I couldn't help but think there's so much more to this. I know that personally you can't talk me out of the last 10 years, 12 years of experience that I've had with my own body and now I'm excited to start sharing that with other people and all we're going to talk about is syphilis. That doesn't track.
Speaker 1:So I knew then that I was going to do this for a living and I wanted to share the experience that I'd had with other people. But I also knew from my parents and not a lot of people in my family had a higher education and there was a lot of pressure on me to kind of like break that barrier and go to college and get a degree and do a more socially normalized and acceptable path. And so I went to school and I got a bachelor's degree in conflict studies. I went on to get my master's in public health. I went on to get a doctorate in public health, and that is when I finally realized I needed to leave academia and work one-on-one with folks or one-to-group or one-to-many as I do now, but not up in the ivory tower in the institution. I didn't want to be involved in publishing papers anymore. I wanted to actually help real people to enjoy what I think is their birthright of sexual pleasure today, right now. And so I left that.
Speaker 1:I was asked to be on someone else's YouTube video that was on the subject of squirting. This is like 2015 or 2016. So squirting in YouTube and the entire internet was a little bit different, but squirting has always been a favorite subject and that video did extremely well on YouTube. And then, all of a sudden, I had a big coaching practice. I started my own YouTube channel. Like was to capitalize on a lot of that momentum, but I never thought I was going to be working with men in the way that I have. I thought I would work with everybody men, women. I am bisexual. I worked with a lot of LGBTQIA folks and then, because of the subject of squirting and my YouTube channel kind of taking off in the direction that it did, I ended up spending the last 10 years really focused on sex coaching men and it's been an amazing journey and such a privilege to be able to do this.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I can imagine. I mean, in most women's experience there's probably some that could use a little few pointers. So like this is definitely needed and I'm sure because of your success on the YouTube channel, obviously you can tell that men yeah, they're interested in it.
Speaker 1:I mean, men want to get better at sex. They want to be great at sex. So much of the coaching and information out there is really aimed at women. You know, pelvic floor physiotherapy is really aimed at, like, the female pelvic floor, for good reason, right. But there's there's this kind of underlying narrative around men and male sexuality that every problem can be fixed with a pill, and that's just not the case.
Speaker 1:Men are as complicated and as nuanced in their sexuality as women are. The story of men should just be able to want sex all the time. Get up, stay up and get off on command. This is not how it works. And also we put this additional pressure on men to also like be experts at giving orgasms and understanding the female body, despite giving them no information or education on how to do that. It's a lot of pressure on men to do all this sort it out and be good at it. And you know the guys that come to me. They're amazing because they are willing to acknowledge that sex, like anything else, is a skill and you can get better at it, and they're really earnestly invested in getting better at it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I had a previous guest who, because we talked about, we're going to talk about ED, and he pointed out, as he was a doctor and he's like, a lot of people think it's about health and heart, but it's really psychological Like there's. You know, like you said, the mental pressure really causes it more than anything else.
Speaker 1:And the brain is the largest sexual organ in all bodies.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, do you want to? Since I did bring up ED, do you want to talk about, like, how you coach people through that part of it, or like, what are the biggest issues?
Speaker 1:So my system, whether it's premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, delayed ejaculation, mismatched libidos, women who have trouble orgasming, like I, always move people through the same system and we always start with a physical body right, because we ED, especially if you start waking up without erections or you know you're not getting erection. Morning wood or erections while you're sleeping can be, and often is, the first indicator of a larger physical health issue. So we start with the body. Erections are the result of the circulatory system, the endocrine system, the nervous system, all of these things working together. And so if you're not getting hard, especially when you're alone masturbating, or first thing in the morning, at least on occasion, a few times a week, then you do need to go get tested. You do need to go get checked. You know, ed is one of the primary reasons that men go to a physician to begin with and then get diagnosed with diabetes or high blood pressure or some other condition, and it's because they didn't go preventatively but they will go when their sexual functioning is at risk. So we start with the physical body, but we don't end there. That's where a lot of conversations end, especially around male sexuality, and then we go to the mental game, the mental body, the thoughts that we think about sex and sexuality, the literal words that we use inside of our mind to tell ourselves the story of ourselves in bed, or of men and women, or of people that were lovers, or performance, the expectations that we have for ourself. Then we move on to the emotional body, you analyzing and just allowing emotions. So a lot of the time there's a lot of like a backlog there that we have to work through in order for them to have, like free-flowing erections or the ability to control ejaculation, etc.
Speaker 1:And then I also go further than that. I think about relationships. Also, in the context of the relationship that we're in, is there a lot of resentment? Are there a lot of things that have been unsaid? Are there conversations that we just feel like we cannot have? All of these things are blocking flow, right, blocking the flow of energy, blocking the flow of eroticism.
Speaker 1:And then, societally, how were you raised? Religion, your culture, your family's expectations around sex and relationships? And then, beyond that, spiritually, does sex exist on a spiritual plane? Do you feel like it connects you to your partner in a spiritual way, to something bigger than yourself, a sense of unity, a sense of oneness? And usually, as we're going through those steps, we discover a few things in each of those realms that benefit not just our sexual performance or the way that we experience our relationship in the bedroom, but also that have a wide range of implications across our entire life.
Speaker 1:When we free up energy in one place, we free up energy in another, and I like to think about it all as flow. Literally, if you think about erections, it's like blood flow, right. Premature ejaculation is like too much intensity of flow of ejaculate, and so I look at all of the different obstacles that get in the way as things that are preventing an easeful flow. And when we get rid of those obstacles, our bodies are actually designed to be sexual. We are designed to connect with other people in this way, like this is. This is evolution at its finest is really about getting us to mate and procreate, and so we get all rid of all these obstacles. We add some skills along the way, some practical know-how, some tips and tricks, and then we let the body do what it was designed to do.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, that's awesome. When I first started this, I wanted to help people too, like that was the whole thing, and I was never like weirded out about sex. My family was, it was. It was all okay from the beginning. So I was like one of the lucky few like you were. It was never like forbidden or taboo or you know.
Speaker 1:I wouldn't necessarily say that it wasn't forbidden or taboo in my household. I would say that we didn't get a lot of conversation about it at all and I think when households are silent that also sends a message right that this is something that we cannot talk about, that you should not do that. You should keep to yourself. And I definitely got the message, especially from my father, that this was something that you do do, but you do it sort of like in shame, privacy, secret, and you better not let me catch you.
Speaker 1:So I don't think I didn't have like a permissive household. I certainly didn't have like a very like warm and touchy, feely house. I mean I had a great parents. They did their best, but I didn't get a lot of like platonic familial touch and you know kind of these things that I needed to learn later on. And I think you know in the category in the field of academia we say research is research. Most of us are learning about what it is that we want to understand for ourself. And I think sexuality was something I had a very large natural curiosity around, but not a natural comprehension and relationship with, and that is what led me to want to pursue it professionally.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. And now that you say that maybe I wasn't, it wasn't, I mean it was permissive, but it wasn't, wasn't shamed like you were saying. But yeah, definitely not as touchy feely either. So, never mind, did you cover the main, you said the main stuff here.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's the process that anybody that comes to me. That's what we are working through. I found that each of those levels build on each other. The physical body is the basis for everything. Everything happens in the body. The brain happens in the body, so the thoughts happen in the body. You know, if you don't have a body, you don't have thoughts. You don't have a body, you don't have emotions. You still get the spirituality, but I can't speak to how all that exists. No one can. So we start with the body.
Speaker 1:I also am a big fan of Stoic philosophy, like ancient Stoicism, and they say strong body, strong mind. So if we're going to build towards our mental and emotional and spiritual capacities, we also have to start with the body. The good thing about that is that the body is often the easiest place to start. So for my guys with erectile dysfunction, I send them to a doctor. Let's get your physical health checked.
Speaker 1:For my guys with premature ejaculation, I start changing the way that they self-pleasure, the way that they masturbate. A lot of guys that are finishing too early are also masturbating very, very quickly, furiously dry, with a tight grip right. They're masturbating in a way that sex doesn't feel like or look like when you're with a partner, and so we change the way that they are masturbating. We start to help them to develop their own stamina so that they can last longer when they're not with a partner, and the mental and physical and relational games are all happening at the same time. But instead just starting on real 3D level with your body, the way that you make love to yourself is really indicative of the way that you're going to make love to a partner. So just start there, and then, of course, we build on from there.
Speaker 2:Okay, awesome, I know I'm gonna go backwards a little bit, but since you did talk about sex education earlier, is there anything that you would redesign If you could like start sex education from scratch, like, how would you do it? Or what's one controversial thing to some people that you would definitely add?
Speaker 1:Well, a couple of things, and I this is true for schools, it's also true for parents Like the same advice I would give to both. Obviously, the way that it is delivered looks a little bit different, but I would say the best way to think about sex education is a conversation that takes place frequently. Too many people think about it as like a one-off Okay. When they're going through puberty, you have a conversation in which you explain periods, wet dreams, intercourse, pregnancy, sti. That's too much for one conversation.
Speaker 1:I've taught so many classes on sex and sexuality. I used to be an educator for small conversation. I've taught so many classes on sex and sexuality. I used to be an educator for small groups. I was an educator like a teaching assistant at Indiana University, which is like home of the Kinsey Institute, for their sort of introductory sexuality class. That was an entire semester at college level.
Speaker 1:There's a lot to talk about and when you put so much pressure on it being one or even two conversations or one or two classes, you know I remember we had maybe fourth or fifth grade, as I said, kind of related class about periods and stuff, one in middle school and then one in high school, so a total of three, which is good it wasn't absent. It's not like we didn't have that conversation at all. I mean, certainly some people's schools and educations and parents don't have any kind of education. They just, you know, find themselves bleeding one day and wonder what the heck is going on. But as parents too, making it a frequent conversation because bodies change a lot you know what's appropriate. An age-appropriate conversation at the age of six looks a lot different than at the age of 16. But if you don't start having those conversations early on and respecting bodies and using the appropriate names for genitals and our body parts, we are fostering a relationship in those children of their body as a mystery, maybe a source of shame, maybe something that they cannot talk about. You're setting them up for potentially being even violated or assaulted and feeling like they cannot come forward and talk about that. If you have a real grounded conversation, or if you're nervous to have that real grounded conversation, but you know that you're going to have one every single year, you're going to get better at it with practice, just like anything else. So I think frequency really matters. I think honesty, transparency and depth really matters. And then the other piece I would say is that pleasure matters.
Speaker 1:Teaching sex ed based on disease and avoiding pregnancy is like teaching someone how to drive a car focused strictly on accidents. You know, most of us drive our cars from point A to point B for a reason that has nothing to do with either getting into or avoiding accidents. Right, I drove my car three times this morning already and at no point was I focused on accidents. Right, I'm focused on how to do the things that make it so that I can get to where I want to go safely and enjoyably. And sex is about pleasure.
Speaker 1:Ultimately, it's very clear even on a biological level that people could say sex is about reproduction. It's very clear even on a biological level that people could say sex is about reproduction. But there's way more pleasure happens for human beings having sex than reproduction happens, even without contemporary birth control and preventive pregnancy methods. So sex is about pleasure. Let's talk about pleasure first. Let's talk about why people do this before we talk about some of the negative consequences that come along with it, and so don't buy into this.
Speaker 1:Like you know, each person that you have sexual intercourse with like takes a little piece of your soul, or you necessarily are like blending energies or whatever. But I also think having a conversation that has us placed at the center, like this, is for pleasure, especially for young women, and that each time that you connect intimately with someone, that there is like a blending of the two of you, that's part of the pleasure. And consider how it is and when it is and why it is that you're going to blend with people. There may be people across your lifetime that you blend with once and people who you blend with for decades. There's nothing morally right or wrong about either one. It's just about moving with intentionality and the more that you can ground that conversation in like self-respect. I think that you're setting people up to be able to move with care for themselves.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was going to say a lot of people talk about the mechanics of it versus like the emotional part of it and the relationship side of it. I do have a question Do you have any of your clients mentioned using like the AI dolls or the sex dolls or the ones that look like people or like? Nowadays I guess they're pretty popular and they you can like order someone to look just like who you want. Experienced or talked to people. Oh yeah.
Speaker 1:I was going to say I bet someone has tried to configure me as a sex doll. I know that there are AI websites where you can put a picture of someone in and then it imagines what they look like naked. And someone did tell me that they've done that and I was just like you know what? Just keep it to yourself. I don't want to see it for so many reasons. But then I'm curious because I'm like does it look like me naked? Like how good of a job does this thing do you know? Does it know that I do Pilates and I've got a really strong core? Do they give me abs? And I was like, okay, let's just, we don't need to know everything you know, let some things want a relationship.
Speaker 1:So I don't think that, uh, the AI girlfriends or dolls, uh, or like the, the I mean the non AI sex dolls. Uh, I will say, a bunch of sex toy companies have offered to send me full size sex dolls, like you know, 80 pounds before. And, um, yeah, I already have four or five demo genitals that we use in videos for various courses. So I've just said, like, if you send me an 80 pound sex doll, you also have to pay for shipping it somewhere else, Cause I'm not hanging onto it, I don't have that much storage, you know, in my apartment and I don't know what I would do with her. Anyways, you know, but I have thought about having like a contest on YouTube to say that somebody gets, I'll do, I'll do the doll. I a contest on YouTube to say that somebody gets, I'll do, I'll do the doll, I won't have sex with it, you know she'll be, she'll remain untouched in that way and then send it on to anyone else. But anyways, uh, your question is about AI in the emergence of, uh, artificial intelligence inside of sex. All technology across all time, uh, from the photograph to the video camera, to credit card processing on the internet to high speed bandwidth, and now AI emerges right along with sex and sexuality. The reason that credit card processing over the internet was developed was because of pornography. Sex is always at the cutting edge. It's always driving technology, and the sex tech that exists now is really interesting. There's a lot of cool stuff happening that can pair video with toys or you can link sync toys together. You can use the internet or Bluetooth to control toys and have different partnered experiences, especially if you live a distance away. I think all of that is really cool and really promising. My thoughts on AI companions are mixed, no-transcript AI's case, I guess, something that that can be extremely inspiring.
Speaker 1:I also worry about the epidemic of male loneliness and the culture of isolation that exists, and I do have my concerns that, because an AI girlfriend will never reject you, because an, a sex doll, will never reject you, you're not developing the skillset that it was required to actually be in a relationship with a person. Right, because the AI doesn't have needs. The sex doll doesn't have needs. They don't disagree with you. They don't have have needs. They don't disagree with you. They don't have a mother. They don't have a relationship with your mother.
Speaker 1:There's so many things that are missing that make real relationships with real people challenging but also make them really rewarding.
Speaker 1:I think that we're kind of afraid of doing hard things anymore as a society, and that when it comes to sex and relationships, it's hard things that make everything else worthwhile.
Speaker 1:It's like doing challenging things makes sex and relationships what they are, which is these like truly transformational, life-changing growth opportunities that every single relationship represents. So and I you know, I've also heard stories of men who are in a sexless marriage and they're in their sixties and they're in their 60s and they're committed to staying together for financial reasons, for their kids. They have no interest in ending their companionate relationship, and he doesn't want to go out and see a sex worker or cheat, and so he has a sex doll, a full-size doll, and that gives him the sensation of having sex with a partner and that that is satisfactory to him. That is how he is surviving the sexlessness in his marriage and how he plans on moving through the next 20 years. Would it work? For me, necessarily no, but I can't put myself inside of that man's shoes. I'm really glad that he has something that is working for him.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that response reminds me of I had an episode on menopause and a lot of women. You know it gets painful at some point, so they just stopped wanting to have sex. And now that they know women do estradiol. And there's this new thing that Halle Berry was talking about, in which I bought Joy Lux. It's a red light that you insert and it helps bring back everything like it was and it totally works.
Speaker 1:So yeah, it works for you, yeah it worked.
Speaker 2:She said it takes two weeks, and that's exactly what happened for me too, oh, my god, that's amazing. I'm a huge fan of red light therapy for external and internal yeah, so I would do, and that's why men are having sexless marriages because the women it hurts. So the women don't, and they don't talk about it with each other, so they don't know why.
Speaker 1:That's why it stopped, potentially, but right, or maybe it always hurt because they weren't ever doing foreplay, and so when she finally reached a point where she was like I no longer am going to say yes to this anymore, and he didn't know how to make it feel good for her throughout that entire process, and she feels relief and he feels abandoned. Or maybe there's a lot of resentment in the relationship around other things. Maybe there was an emotional affair and there's a backlog of things that never got communicated about and, you know, at one point we just decided that this is an acceptable state of affairs and we're just going to wait it out until we die.
Speaker 2:I guess it happens a lot, yeah for sure. So one of your videos was about like the seven things women need from men are like the best part of sex for women, kind of thing. I can't remember the title, but it was very educational. And the first thing was how a woman, how a man, makes a woman feel is like the most important thing, or like number one on your list of seven. And that just reminded me of what you're talking about just now, like how you've, how how both people feel, I guess really, yeah, it goes back to the emotional body.
Speaker 1:How are, how are we serving each other emotionally? How emotionally engaged, how aware of our emotions do we feel, you know? Do you engage in emotional closeness as well as physical closeness? You know a lot of men touch women only because of sex. They want sexual intimacy and that's why they start touching her and they don't do platonic or non-sexual touch throughout the day. We do something kind of similar with our emotions. We will go when we have like an emotional need. But do we make emotional bids and create emotional connection when there isn't a need just because it feels good or it's healthy or it sustains the relationship?
Speaker 1:I think a lot of folks they don't have any problem surfacing stuff when they are upset, angry, unhappy. But you know it's a lot more work but it's a lot more rewarding to engage vulnerably and say I'm experiencing a fear, I'm experiencing an insecurity and we have to be safe too, right? I mean, there's a lot of women out there and men who if their partner went to them and said I'm experiencing a fear and I feel insecure, they may not be willing to even hold that right. You have to be a safe space for that. You can't just engage vulnerably with any relationship. You know, if there's a lot of stuff that's stuck in the way, it's going to be pretty hard to do that. But ideally for a healthy relationship you or your partner could go and say to the other I'm really struggling, and here's why, because we've done the work to name it and here's how I need your support.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, my partner just moved in recently and we've been going over like um, our priorities and going together like having like check-ins and stuff and seeing how it's working for each other and what we could do to improve, like on our end, to improve for them kind of thing. How long have you been together? Three years, long distance.
Speaker 2:And then just recently moved in so so yeah, but yeah, it's definitely, and so everything you're saying is like yeah, like that's ideal and for the first time ever, I found a man that is willing to do that kind of stuff. So the check-ins, yeah, and just yeah, like talking about the relationship and working on it, because I've in the past it's always been like we'll get over it, like stop talking about it. Like stop talking about it Like I want to just move on. And that doesn't solve anything.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean. I always say that your romantic relationship is one of the best, largest variables in your quality of life. You can get a new job, you can move across the country or the world. Many will come and go. Friends make a tremendous difference, but they also will come and go. Your family will get along with you or desert you, or your parents will die.
Speaker 1:Your spouse and who you choose to spend your life with, who you choose to cohabitate with, who you maybe choose to have children with, who you're going to mostly for most people, because they're monogamous only have sex with that is the biggest, most important decision that you could make. But people think more about the kind of car that they're going to buy than who it is that they want to be married, to live with, make kids with. It's absolutely nuts to me, because you think about it for very long. Like this is not something that we should be leaving to chance that yet most people do. Or this is not something that we ought to be settling on and yet most people do. It's good enough.
Speaker 1:Most people haven't done the thought work to say I need a partner who I will best be served in a relationship that I want to feel this, this and this and be loved in this, that and that way, and I'm willing to put in the work on myself to get there so that I can give it to someone else as well. If we were doing this with our time, with our spare time, with our free time, if we were putting this kind of efforting into our romantic partnerships as opposed to, like, say, our uh, getting another certification or title at work or you know whatever all the ways in which people spend time that they think is going to advance them. Spending time in your relationship is going to advance you 10x more than pretty much anything else.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I definitely agree. And earlier, when you were talking about like platonic touch, I was. I used to do stand up comedy and talk about sex. So I would say the love languages. If you know, if the person you're with love languages touch, then obviously that's going to be the thing you do. But if they're words of affirmation and you want to have sex with them, you probably should say nice things to them. Yes, that too.
Speaker 1:But the thing about platonic touch, non-sexual touch, is that in particular, gentle stroking between I think it's one and 10 centimeters per second is the math on that actually lights up a specific kind of cell that exists only inside of our skin, particularly the skin that grows hair. So anywhere that hair grows we have these nerve cells that are designed to respond to gentle stroking touch. They don't respond to pain, they don't respond to poking, they don't respond to scratching. They have nothing to do with itching or prodding. They're just there for gentle touch and probably they evolved in us to support us bonding with other human beings and to reward us for having physical closeness with other human beings.
Speaker 1:But what they do on a biochemical level is they actually? They release oxytocin, which is the bonding hormone. The more oxytocin that we have in our system, the more safety and bondedness that we feel with another partner, the more likely that we are to feel aroused and want to have sex. So yes, it's all of it, yes, also words of affirmation and all of the ways in which, just like emotional, mental, physical, because I would say words of affirmation is mental and emotional closeness as well, having closeness without having too much familiarity, because you know, as Esther Perel says, like we can't want what is familiar, we don't want family, we need to leave space for mystery. But having closeness that also leaves space for mystery is the magic sauce, for sure.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I'm familiar with. Yeah, her book Mating in Captivity talks about that.
Speaker 1:And I wonder also you know like for people who are recently cohabitating, you know how you maintain an air of mystery with your boyfriend, even as you close some of the places where you become more familiar, because you're just like waking up and going to sleep in the same place?
Speaker 2:Yeah, Actually we watched. Alex Ramosi also talks about mating and captivity and how his relationship worked out much better when they had more alone time and time away to increase the mystery.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's always about threading the needle right, like I think, we all make the mistake of having extreme and black and white thinking, and the answer is almost always the middle path.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. And is there anything else that we should cover the original stuff we said we'd talk about on the male sexuality and anxiety and performance, or do you feel like your system covered that and we can move to something else? Yeah, I think we can move to something else. Okay, I do have, and we might you kind of covered this what's a popular piece of advice in the sex relationship world that you secretly disagree with or just think is overrated Like not even secretly, probably.
Speaker 1:The thing that I um am rubbed the wrong way by is when people just say, like spice things up, we just need to spice things up. The answer is almost never. Take the same recipe that you've been cooking for 20 years and use different spices. Like it's not even a good analogy. Spice things up. What if you don't like red pepper flakes in your food, like what? I don't understand the spice things up. What you're actually looking for is reintroduce novelty. What you're actually looking for is find our way back to closeness, disrupt routine, engage something that feels new and different. But the thing that actually makes the biggest difference, in my opinion, is being effing present, really being present with the touch, the feel, the energetic connection, the thing that is happening with you and a partner choosing to be so present and so attentive that every motion, stroke, touch, gaze, breath is engaging you more and more deeply in the moment, in the experience. Like that's hard right, that takes work, dedication, commitment, practice. So instead we're just like maybe grab some lingerie, a new sex toy and learn how to tie a rope, and that just drives me nuts. Spice things up is not the way. Inject mystery, novelty, yes. Inject presence, yes. Come back to why we're doing the thing that we're doing.
Speaker 1:I am personally an experienced chaser. I've been to Burning man eight times. I flew to Japan and Korea and Berlin and Lisbon and went to Mexico City like all within six months of each other. Like I love new experiences and new adventures If I get an advertisement for like a adventure park or a balloon exhibit or a pirate show around town. Like I want to go. Love novelty and the most rewarding things in my life are the things that I have discipline and commitment to.
Speaker 1:So I work out two times a week. I do Pilates no matter what I'm on the road. I have to reschedule. I move it. I do Pilates two times a week for years now. It's not an adventure, right? If I wanted to do workout adventures, I could do yoga and then sculpt class and then heavy lifting and then a HIIT workout. But no, I do the same thing twice a week, every single week, because I get deeper and deeper and deeper into the thing that I am doing.
Speaker 1:There's only so. I mean, pilates is wide and vast and there is a lot you can do, but after a few years like pretty familiar with the movements, the exercises, the machinery. Same is true for sex. After a few years you're pretty familiar with what's options. You know the movements, the machinery. It doesn't mean that there's not infinite more options that you can go learn about. But just because we're familiar with going through these motions doesn't mean that we're not capable of getting more out of them.
Speaker 1:My body is different every time I go and work out. Your body is different every time. Your partner's body is different every time you go to have sex. So there's so much more to discover there. But we have to be willing to bring discipline into the bedroom and not make it just about exploration but also have sex, hold space for all of these other things, and I think that's pretty challenging for a lot of folks who have a relationship with sex that it fulfills a need uh, maybe at its most base and it's just about like getting off or feeling connected or blowing off steam or releasing stress.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I just went to Pilates this morning, so I feel you on that. Yeah, umates, yeah, do you want to share how they can reach you, how you want to get to a million subscribers and what that would mean to you?
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, it's funny. I go back and forth on how important a million subscribers is. It's an arbitrary number. At the end of the day, right? The difference between 999,000 and 1 million? That subscriber doesn't mean any more or less than any other subscriber and each subscriber that you add to your channel or your downloads, or your content or your following, that individual person matters more than the number. All day, and I realized that having a million subscribers on a sex-related channel is culturally significant because it means that people are willing to say yes.
Speaker 1:I care to learn more about this, especially when it comes to men and male sexuality. It's also very relevant because it's relevant also because of censorship. It's hard to grow a social media platform that talks about adult subjects, even if it's educational. I think a lot of folks who are outside of our industry don't know this. We cannot buy ads. We get deplatformed on places like Instagram or Meta, just for using biologically accurate terminology. I'm not talking about porn. I'm not talking about sexually arousing content Not that there's anything wrong with that. Then I'm not talking about people who are posting only fans level content. I'm talking about people like you and I who are sharing educational information for the masses, the majority of people in the world have sex. The majority of all adults have a relationship with sex, even if you identify as asexual. So it's very relevant the slow growth that it takes to get to a million subscribers.
Speaker 1:When I started doing this 10 years ago, I don't think I ever thought I'd be here. I think the internet was, like I said, youtube wasn't the same as it is today. 10 years ago it wasn't on everyone's television. People didn't consider it a main source of news or political views or philosophy. It has grown and YouTube is such a beautiful and incredible platform. I'm so honored to be on it. It also seems like one of the remaining safe spaces for people to have conversations about these subjects, so I hope that it will, knock on wood, remain to be that way and, yeah, I am slowly trekking my way to a million subscribers. At the time of recording, we have 896,000. It is a constant process. It is a new territory.
Speaker 1:Being an influencer wasn't a job that existed when I was growing up. It wasn't. I mean, now kids, they want to be on YouTube Like from childhood. They're like I want to be a YouTube star. I didn't even have the internet Like we it. Stuff has changed. So it is really interesting to be at the cutting edge and work in a field that literally did not exist before, uh, but it also means that you're constantly kind of making it up as you go and you're constantly. You're constantly having to ebb and flow with the movements of this beast that is so much bigger than any one of us. That was not a Mr Beast reference, by the way, that was a legitimate YouTube is the beast. Anyway, all of that said, anyone who's listening, who enjoyed what I shared today or wants more information on men and male sexuality, can go to YouTube and search for Caitlin V. I spell it C-A-I-T-L-I-N. V as in victorious, but you can pretty much spell my name any which way on YouTube and it will still come up.
Speaker 1:Just take a stab at Caitlin V and you'll be able to find me. And then, if you'd like to check out any of my courses, I have full length courses from yoni massage and squirting all the way to the subjects we talked about today delayed ejaculation, premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction and then things like nipple orgasms and you know, and thrusting in positions and how to masturbate to last longer. And, by the way, we've got such a wide and communication also and sexual creativity. There's a course on everything for pretty much everyone. So if you're curious about those, you can go to CaitlinVNealcom or Caitlin you actually go to CaitlinVcom now that I say that and you can check out any of my courses there or there's links in all my YouTube videos that can take you over there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, awesome, yeah, like I said, I definitely checked it all out. And do you have someone help you with the titles and stuff, cause they're always super catchy and, like, make you want to watch, like you can?
Speaker 1:Oh, the YouTube it's a group, we're, we're a team. So, uh, there's me and my director of operations and we have a social media agency that we also work with. Um, but I, I take a lot of inspiration from, like, what's working on YouTube right now. Um, because I, because YouTube is the neighborhood I live in, I try to spend my time there as well. So, uh, we don't really do videos that are like trending, like the ice bucket challenge would be, you know like, or I've never eaten a Tide pod, you know like, I don't really do that kind of stuff, but, uh, I do like to see what people are responding to and what's like current and what people want to talk about.
Speaker 2:Um, and, yeah, thank you, I try to make everything as uh, as interesting as possible yeah, and I assume you don't use, like you said you had dolls and different um stuff like props versus actual people, like there's no none of that going on.
Speaker 1:So there's lots of actual yeah we do actual people.
Speaker 2:Okay, yeah, I was. Yeah, those are the ones I didn't get to, apparently.
Speaker 1:And our courses like yoni massage, anal massage, nipple gasm and lingam massage. So yoni and lingam are vulva and penis essentially, and we do, and thrusting in positions, we do real live sex positions and we do like sex position modifications. So how to add a pillow, how to add a liberator wedge, how to add, uh, how to use the size of the bed, the end of the bed If you have a back condition, if you have a knee issue like, how do we make these positions sustainable for everyone involved? Um, so that's really a deep dive on that. Uh, the yoni massage and lingam massage are the ones and I guess anal massage that have, um, that have real people and real genitals on camera. So that was a cool foray. When we finally broke into that, we had to change our credit card processor and a whole bunch of other stuff, because now we're in a totally different category.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, because I know like OMGES does educational videos like that as well, but it's fairly new and there's a subscription for that. Yeah, omges is an awesome. Awesome that as well. But more um, it's fairly new and there's a subscription for that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, omgs is an awesome, awesome resource as well, and they really broke ground in making, uh, you know, videos that included self-pleasure and general touch, educational, and they exist, I think, in this, in this space in between content that's meant to arouse and content that's meant to educate. Yeah, and then make love, not porn, as well, as was supposed to be, people that want to upload their own or I love that because that's just like face up people orgasming right.
Speaker 2:I think it's just they're having sex.
Speaker 1:I haven't looked into it too much, but I know the woman that created it wanted to have like real people, like porn, like how it really is instead of, you know, like a lot of young boys that think porn is you know certain ways and they do it that way, like she wanted to have real people having sex no, I know there is a website it may not be that one where you could watch people just like just their face up, um, and they were having orgasms or in pleasure and it was so arousing and I actually got to do a project like that last weekend for a groove thing, which is a musical pleasure device, sex toy that I've been working on for the last couple of years and we're finally going to release it this summer on Kickstarter and we got to record people using it for the first time while we sat in the other room and watched them on video monitors. And, of course, this is all consensual. Everyone knows this is what's happening. They volunteered for this.
Speaker 1:But watching people experience this device that I've been integral in creating and experience music as pleasure for the first time, because nothing else exists, there's no music response, it even comes close. It was such a turn on, so rousing, just to see people in real, authentic pleasure. It doesn't need to be, like you know, slapping and pounding and sinking and choking. Those things can be very arousing, but like actually paring it down and just looking at someone's face and the the ways that their eyes roll back or they flush or they giggle or they bite their lip Like that. To me that's, that's. That's more arousing than pretty much anything else.
Speaker 2:If you don't mind, is it like the? The music is made from the face and the things that happen. Or is there music and then it's music?
Speaker 1:like from your Apple or your Spotify or whatever you um, you play music through your phone and the phone connects to both a speaker and a device and the device can be inserted in either a vagina or an anus and there's also a clitoral sort of like rubbing device as well, and then that device actually plays music. So previously music responsive vibrators were like an on-off thing. They would go to the beat and they go zzz, zzz, zzz, zzz. But that's not music, right? This actually plays music. It actually uses a process that if you were to hold this device up to your ear, you could hear the music and because of that, all of the individual instruments and the voices resonate at like a different frequency and they vibrate at a different frequency. So, like bass, drum feels like more traditional, what we're used to, maybe like with a sex toy or vibrator, um, but then you know the guitar and uh, keyboard or piano and synthesizer and all of these other things create this like very different experience and it is like listening to music.
Speaker 1:Through this you know your genitals through a pleasure center, and for me I've always wanted to use I also DJ and do some like ecstatic dance style, like DJing people through an experience, making it a transformative experience like coaching, but make it music and sound and movement.
Speaker 1:And even before then, I've always loved music and felt like music was a critical part of our experience of ourselves and pleasure, and it's very healing and I always wanted to be able to use a vibrator that used like the vibration of OM or the chakra tones, like the root chakra or the sacral chakra, and so I had a friend make a prototype of this and then I played WAP, because it was the summer of Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion, and I was completely blown away. I put it on the back shelf because I did not know how to do any materials manufacturing, product manufacturing and then I met someone who had the same idea and who also prototyped it and had already. He was an engineer, happened to be, and had already taken it a lot further and was ready to go into production and I said I'm joining the team, I need to be a part of what brings this to the world. And here we are, 18 months later and it's about to launch. I'm very excited about that.
Speaker 2:That's awesome. And what is the name of it?
Speaker 1:again, it's called groove thing. You'll be able to find it on Kickstarter this summer. If you're on my email list, you'll get notifications. I'll be posting a YouTube video about it when we get a little closer to the launch date. I think the website is try. Well, I'll give you my um affiliate URL because I want people to sign up through my link so that we know that they heard about it through your show.
Speaker 2:Okay, yeah, that sounds good.
Speaker 1:The only thing that I want to say is that if you're a man listening to this and you're not sure about taking another step whether that's coaching or getting a course or saying the thing that you want to say out loud to your partner, or doing additional research on kink or BDSM or Tantra whatever interests you if you are reluctant or you're hesitant to take that next step, this is my invitation to do so. It doesn't have to be a giant leap. Just make sure that you're making progress in any direction, because your sexuality is tied to your wellbeing and it matters. It really matters. It truly matters that you live a sexually expressed life. It is better for all of us on the whole planet.
Speaker 1:Your sexuality is not inherently dangerous or bad. When you express it thoughtfully, carefully, intentionally and with people who are big hell yes to that you improve all of our lives. So please continue to do that. Listen to digest content like this. Come check out my YouTube if this was interesting to you, but continue to move forward and don't just accumulate information in your head. Take it to your body and take it out into the world.
Speaker 2:Thank you and I think I will leave it there because it covered quite a bit. And, like you said, check out your YouTube youtube channel, get those subscribers, and definitely worth it. Like wait, like so we had to. Watching that video was a good conversation starter for us to have, like a conversation we needed to have. But, like once we saw the videos, I'm like, oh, any any thoughts on that? And then I was, oh, you and your partner yeah. So I was like, oh, I have a thought on this, and so we actually like it helped. Yeah, it's been a good thing, so awesome yeah, I'm glad I can help.
Speaker 2:But yeah, if you love this episode, be sure to tell your friends about it and rate it as well. And thank you, my pleasure frank talk.
Speaker 1:Frank talk, sex and dating educate. Thank you there.
Speaker 2:Thank you very much for being on all right. Thanks everyone.
