Straight from the Source's Mouth: Frank Talk about Sex and Dating
Are you perpetually single? Do you want longer-lasting relationships? Tired of the miscommunication and misunderstandings? Wish you were better in bed? Advice from experts as well as real talk from real people so that you can see you are not alone in your thoughts and experiences. I talk about sex in my stand-up comedy and people often tell me that I say what they are thinking but are too afraid to say or admit it to their partners; too taboo they think. We'll talk about books we've read on dating, relationships and sex so that you can gain knowledge without having to read all the books yourself. I'll interview people on both sides of an issue: people who are great at dating and unsuccessful at dating...learn from the person who's great and also learn what not to do! We'll do the same with sex and relationships so that you can learn what works so you don't need to repeat others' past mistakes. I'll interview sex coaches and love coaches. We intend this to be a how-to guide. Hit follow and join us!
Straight from the Source's Mouth: Frank Talk about Sex and Dating
#93 Make Him Yours: Expert Dating Strategies for Modern Women and Men to Understand
Dating coach Mark Rosenfeld pulls back the curtain on why modern dating feels so frustrating despite our unprecedented connectivity. Drawing from his own journey overcoming social anxiety to become Australia's leading women's dating coach, Mark delivers refreshingly practical wisdom about finding meaningful connections.
"We're so connected, now more than ever, and yet we all feel so disconnected," Mark observes about today's dating landscape. His approach balances strategic action with emotional intelligence, helping women navigate both online platforms and in-person opportunities. Rather than exhausting yourself with marathon swiping sessions, Mark recommends consistent, small daily actions that prevent burnout while maximizing genuine connections.
The conversation explores the surprising truth about "high value" partners - they're rarely who we initially imagine them to be. While many daters fixate on status markers like appearance or profession, true relationship compatibility stems from emotional safety, mutual respect, and relationship skills that only become visible over time. This explains why many of Mark's clients end up happily partnered with someone who didn't match their original checklist but makes them feel deeply understood.
Perhaps most illuminating is Mark's expertise on attachment dynamics, particularly the anxious-avoidant dance that characterizes so many struggling relationships. He shares practical techniques for managing emotional dysregulation during conflicts, including creating agreements in peaceful moments that prevent harmful escalations when triggers arise. His insight that "resentments are unspoken expectations" unlocks a simple yet powerful path to reducing relationship friction through clear communication.
Throughout the episode, vulnerability emerges as the bridge to authentic connection. Whether you're navigating online dating algorithms or trying to communicate needs to a partner, leading with emotional honesty creates the foundation for meaningful relationships. Curious about transforming your approach to dating? Mark's program "Make Him Yours" and his online resources offer pathways to develop both the strategy and emotional intelligence needed to thrive in today's complex dating world.
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Welcome to the Straight from the Source's Mouth.
Speaker 2:Podcast Frank talk about sex and dating. Hello, Tamara here, Welcome to the show. Today's guest is Mark Rosenfeld, Australia's number one dating and relationship coach for women, and we'll be talking about his program Make Him Yours and other dating topics. Thanks for joining me, Mark. It's a pleasure.
Speaker 1:Thank you for having me, Tamara joining me.
Speaker 2:Mark, it's a pleasure. Thank you for having me tomorrow. Yes, I think this will be a great topic. Obviously, there's a lot of struggles out there for dating, so I'm sure women would like to hear some answers about how to do it better.
Speaker 1:There is. It's a tough landscape out there and, you know, covid, I think, really set us back in a lot of ways, and we're still recovering and kind of rallying back from it, and that there's just it's. It's strange, isn't it? We're so connected, now more than ever, and yet we all, many of us, feel so disconnected, especially when it comes to dating, and it's a real paradox that modern daters are struggling with yeah, because it everyone's on the apps, or at least it seems like people are finally starting to actually look up in real life and try to meet people that way.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:I'm sure maybe we can start with tips on how women could make it known that they're interested or talk about your program. Whichever direction you want to start with or how you even got into this.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean I got into this from my own. I was talking about this with a client this morning. This, yeah, I mean I got into this from my own. I was talking about this with a client this morning. Actually, I got into this from my own place of social anxiety, which is I just didn't know how to meet women talk about really girls at the time. It's kind of that age bracket Didn't know how to meet, didn't know how to talk. So much social anxiety, almost no experience. And it's interesting because a client asked me this morning. She said you know, I really want to be more social and have the opportunity to meet more men.
Speaker 1:The problem is a lot of people in my sort of culture city aren't used to talking to strangers and so I kind of get these weird looks when I do and then it exacerbates my shame and I kind of have the same thing that I'm fearing gets brought up by literal strangers. And I said to her look, I can relate to that when I first started going out. You know, you don't have a lot of confidence, you're sort of extremely shy and awkward. And then you walk up, you know, to a woman you find attractive and you go hi, nice to meet you. I'm Mark. You know you get the same look right, which is it's hard to meet people out there, and a big part of this is kind of discovering all right. Well, why am I doing this beyond just meeting someone? Where is the growth here? And for me there was a couple of things. There was building my social life became one of the big beacons. Okay, no matter what happens with this person, I meet with this stranger. I took an action to build my social life, so that's still a win. And the second is building resistance and internal validation against the stories that the process was building up. So, oh, I talked to a stranger I'm attracted to and I get a terrible look or a back turn or something that feels really bad. That brings up my shame and my fears. Am I a creeper? Am I bad? Am I that unattractive? Whatever the shame is, and then you're sort of standing on your own in that moment. And who's going to validate you? The stranger? Sure as hell isn't. So you really only have yourself to validate you in that moment. And if you do that enough times and if you consciously say, look, it's not about the stranger's validation, it's actually about me taking action for something I believe in, you start to become more comfortable in the process, so naturally you relax more and ironically, that's when strangers start responding to you better, if you're out there meeting strangers in person. So it's a tough process and I encourage a lot of clients look.
Speaker 1:If you don't want to do it on hard mode to begin with, if you don't want to walk up to people in the supermarket or try to get people to approach you across the coffee store, whatever it is, Start in environments where it's natural to meet people. Do hobbies, do classes, go to shows, go to dance events, find stuff that you are learning, meet up groups where it's expected to meet people. A lot of these things, especially if you don't have a social circle, are a great way to start those social muscles, get them practiced, get them lubricated again. Especially for us introverts post-COVID, that's a hard wheel to get turning and you have to really decide. All right, my social life is a priority, I'm going to work on it, I'm going to meet people and, no matter what the result is, I'm proud to work on that area. That's really going to help you in the offline world, in the online world. I don't want to spend too much time on this unless your audience wants to hear it.
Speaker 1:I get my clients to be really specific while still being attractive. Often it's hard tomorrow for those two things to come together. We can either be extremely attractive and I'll show my clients how to glow with feminine energy and just how to really show up on an app and how to be the most interesting, energizing, feminine woman on the app. Then every single guy wants to meet them and they're overwhelmed by 48,000 matches very, very quickly. Or you go the other route, which is here's what I'm looking for.
Speaker 1:I want someone who was, you know, a strict Christian, born on the 17th of July, star sign Capricorn, who knows how to cook, who can show sadness. And you have all these traits and everyone looks at you and goes, oh, that's a little bit of gendery, that's a little bit much, and no one clicks on you. So how do you do both at the same time? I guess what I've sort of mastered for myself and my clients is how to do those two things at the same time. How do you be radiant and attractive, feminine, engaging? How do you be the most interesting person that he is chatting to on that app while also being incredibly choosy and having an excellent filtering process and doing all that in less than 20 minutes a day. That's kind of the system that I use for online because, again, it's hard to do those two things at the same time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that's exactly what you do need, like you said, the combo of the two, and not to spend so much time, because people get burned out within minutes or days. They're like I'm over it and they give up all the time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and unfortunately, like many things, slow and steady wins the race A little bit each day. What is it? The Apple app of the day keeps the doctor away. It's kind of that saying we got as kids. It's a little bit of exercise each day, you know it keeps the doctor away. And a little bit of meeting people each day, whether it's online or offline, keeps your social life flowing and probably keeps your dating life flowing very well as well. But if you go in with all guns blazing, go for a big burst. Yeah, I often see people burn out very quickly and then it's not fun.
Speaker 2:And as soon as it stops becoming fun, someone's going to quit that within weeks or months. It's not going to last. And the idea of a high value woman what would you say, makes someone high?
Speaker 1:value, or is that even like a bad term? Yeah, it's a good question, isn't it? Because I think the term is often referred to as status, and status and relationship are not often the same thing, or at least relationship ability, relationship skills, because high value we often perceive, you know, online it's it's really the. There's a very small percentage of people who are they, their job is successful, they look attractive, um, they seem to speak well and you can see the stats. Most women reject most men online and, unfortunately, pick a very small portion of men because they're trying to filter the best men and, with so little information to go on, the best profiles get a lot of attention, but not necessarily the best men. So we're going to call those the high value men because they look like models, or maybe because they have a good job, or maybe because they could just take a solid photo and chat while like it's. It's a really confusing term and I do think it gets it's hard for us as human beings not to consider status, because status is, it's built into our DNA. Women are always going to have a level of hmm well, do I feel safe with him as in in terms of his resources, his physical stature, his looks, how much money he makes I mean, those things are always going to matter to a degree. Is that what makes someone high value, though? Because those things which we find most attractive are not necessarily the things that are going to make a relationship the most successful.
Speaker 1:What makes a relationship successful is vulnerability. What makes a relationship successful is being able to be self-aware and seek help for our trauma patterns. What makes a relationship successful is being able to go through tough times and exhibit challenging relationship skills when trauma comes up. So are those things high value? Are they sexy? I don't know, but they're effective. So, yeah, I think everyone has kind of a different meaning of that term. It's not really a term that I use. If someone says, hey, I want someone who's attractive to me and has compatibility, chemistry and relationship skills, you know I can get behind that. That's a high value person. But it also means that high value, then, is something we need to find out, because you're never going to know someone's relationship skills in the first couple of dates. So, yeah, it's not a term that I use for that reasons. I think it's just a bit too tied up with status, and status doesn't necessarily reflect relationship skills.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Yeah, I definitely agree With some of your clients. When you work with them, are they surprised by who they end up being with or who they're attracted to. When you get them to see the value versus status stuff.
Speaker 1:I don't know if they're surprised as much as it sort of happens. And then I do hear the comment you know, he maybe didn't have the great profile, but I gave him a chance. Or if I meet the guy in person they say look, if I met him online I probably would have swiped to no. So I guess from that perspective there's some surprise there. You know, I generally work with women most of the time. Now I still work with a few men here and there.
Speaker 1:Women trust they're intuitive, they're emotional, and this isn't to generalize, of course, but women really do. You know they're emotional beings, they listen to their emotions, they listen to their intuition for guidance, and that's really important, that's a really big skill. So sometimes that person doesn't come out necessarily how you perfectly imagined. It looks wise, emotionally, you feel so safe with him that that you connect to him and I I do see that again and again. So I guess in that sense is that the exact physical description. Or did I? Did I ever imagine myself dating a car mechanic? Maybe not, but you meet that car mechanic. He makes you feel safe, he treats you well, he's respectful, he actually has some relationship skills which maybe, stereotypically, isn't something you necessarily quote unquote. Imagine a car mechanic would have this one does, and you fall in love. And is that surprising? I? I guess it is in a way, but it's um, it's part of the process of being curious about a human being, and who knows where we end up after that yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:And what? What do you typical clients come to you for, like, what have they struggled with?
Speaker 1:or what's the biggest, I mean the biggest presenting complaint is always I'm not meeting the people I want to meet. I'm not meeting the caliber or quality of men I want to meet, and so sometimes there's a there's obviously well, always there's a strategic component to that. How are you meeting? Well, always there's a strategic component to that. How are you meeting people? And then there's a self component to that how resourceful are you being? And sometimes there's a trauma component as well.
Speaker 1:How are you pushing people away that could actually be good for you? For example, if you're just dedicated to chasing that banker who makes 500K and looks great on paper, there's actually a subtle form of emotional unavailability in that on your side, because it's oh, I'm chasing someone who would never actually commit to me. Now I'm not saying there's bankers that don't commit, but if we get so specific, so incredibly specific, with our niche, it's actually a really sneaky way to avoid almost everyone. Because there are so few people in that category, the odds of you meeting someone is pretty slim. So, ironically, you get to stay safe and single if you just focus on an extremely tight niche. Now I can go the other way as well.
Speaker 1:I've also had clients where their niche is too open and they're too open-minded and I had one client, for example, where she said you know, I just just I really understand people.
Speaker 1:I really get that people struggle and I get that. I get people in a way most other women don't or most other people don't, and she's an empath, she's a former nurse, so it's kind of fits that mold, but she was allowing in guys who, it's like they had major trauma histories that were unhealed and there's nothing wrong with the trauma history we all have it. But if it's unhealed and if it's getting vomited on you, then yeah, you do need to judge that, not as a person, you need to judge them as a bad match for you. Again, I think sometimes there's women who struggle to differentiate judgment and discernment. It's like, if we want to put semantics on it, judgment is I'm assessing the person's character as negative. Discernment is I'm assessing them as a negative match for me because of the way they're showing up and they feel that when I'm being discerning, I'm being judgmental and I don't want to be judgmental. Therefore, people get too many chances. So I've seen both sides of that spectrum.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I can see that for sure. Yeah, it's funny. Every when I interview people, I always agree so much. There's like nothing more to say yes exactly. Yeah, but I guess at this point, if you want to talk about how people can reach you, just to like a little segment changer.
Speaker 1:Yeah, totally, totally. Probably the easiest way is just to check out my website, honestly makehimyourscom. You'll find all the info on me there. I've written my book as well, which is how to Make Him Yours. So you're welcome to check me out, grab the book, get a bunch of free content from that. I would say, in general, the website is the best place to find me. Or if you want just more of my content in general, you can look me up on YouTube. Mark Rosenfeld.
Speaker 2:Okay, and then do you want to talk about your background at all I know it's very interesting with many things you've done or focus on just the coaching side for this?
Speaker 1:I mean, yeah, I can discuss a little bit of that. I mean, I started out as a well, going back again, I had a lot of that social anxiety that I grew up with, and I started out as a veterinarian, worked in that field for a little while and, long story short, once I worked on building my confidence, I started doing dancing and stripping, which was really an exciting time in my life, and I just love dancing, I love kind of loud music, I love being in the center of energized environments, so that really lights me up. Still does to this day. And then I sort of moved into the coaching world and became a full-time coach, probably about six years ago now. So that's kind of a short version of my background.
Speaker 1:Um, I guess, in terms of coaching, the the biggest things that I focus on is really streamlining that online process like let's. It sounds robotic, so I'm going to paraphrase that. It sounds it, but it's not. What I do for my clients is we basically set up a profile usually just one app, maybe two, if I really feel I can handle it and then we pre-script 90% of all their chats so that when they're online we have a specific filtering process for the guys that they want, and we do it in a way that doesn't sound robotic at all. We add personalizations for every chat and we also do it in a way that it's filtering in the traits that they want, the compatibilities. So, whether it's living location, religion, when you want kids, when you want to get married, what else are some of the big ones? Health and fitness is one we do a lot. Maybe education level earnings we don't do because we can't really discuss earning figures on an app, but we can do. Do you enjoy your job? Stuff like that career. So we take whatever is the client's big things that they're looking for. Usually we take the top four and we build that into both their bio and their first couple of messages in a way that is appealing and feminine and engaging. Then the guy becomes invested because he's answering the questions. Once he's answering the questions, he's going to give her a phone call and then you're offline and you're into real dating. So we streamline that whole process. And then the other thing I do a lot with clients is I do a lot of internal family systems work. So for any of you who are familiar with path psychology, I have this part of me that wants me to do this and then this part of me that wants me to do that. I'm level two certified in that. So I do a lot of the deep exile work, inner children work, protector parts.
Speaker 1:I work with a lot of clients because naturally, when, unfortunately, when you get in a relationship, it tends to spark your stuff more than when you're single. We can't this whole theory of, hey, I'm gonna be single, I'm gonna work on all my stuff and then I'll be perfectly ready for relationship relationship. It doesn't work because a lot of your stuff, unfortunately I wish it did work. Unfortunately, a lot of your stuff will be asleep when you're single.
Speaker 1:There is certainly stuff about loneliness, about feeling ostracized, about feeling unlovable. That stuff will come up when you're single for sure. A different team of stuff will come up when you're in a relationship and even when you're in a marriage. So as you go into dating that will start to come up. And so a lot of my work once clients are in the dating field, it's let's find the dates, let's ensure the dates are going well. The men want first date, second dates, third dates, et cetera. So it's kind of the find the dates, make sure they're attracted and you're showing up at your best self and then handle the inevitable trauma or box that will come up as as you get closer to someone and as it gets scarier for sure.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I've definitely experienced that, where I was perfectly comfortable being single and I'm the same.
Speaker 1:yeah, I mean, it's not that I don't like company, but, um, I in general as someone who leans more avoidant and we all have our attachment styles. We might, you might, be secure, but most of us are not perfectly secure. You tend to have a leaning, even if you're secure, if pushed, we tend to lean one way and I am more leaning, definitely, on the avoidant side. So it's easy for me to be single and my marriage has tested me in many ways because as you get closer, it's like, oh my God, there's this. The avoidant fear, that loss of self, that loss of my boundaries, that fear around I don't have me anymore, has been sparked as our relationship has gotten closer. So that's been something that's been really fulfilling, challenging at times and fulfilling to work on as being part of a healthy marriage.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I'm the opposite, so my anxiety, of course, would go by anxious, yeah.
Speaker 1:You're anxious.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, and that obviously my partner now is more avoidant, like you. So, yeah, we definitely struggled in the beginning where I'm like I'm not trying to suffocate you and I'm just need reassurance sometimes.
Speaker 1:Exactly A good balance.
Speaker 1:The challenge for the avoidant person is to be really deeply reassuring and loving towards the anxious person. The challenge for the anxious person is also to be reassuring and loving, but it's a reassuring and loving of your independence and your what's. The word Self-expression is not quite the word I'm looking for. Um, I value your, the. The avoider needs to say I value the connection, and the anxious needs to say I value essentially your self-expression or your autonomy. That's what I'm looking for, your autonomy. And that's hard for the anxious to say, just as it's hard for the avoidant to say so. It's that dual lean, in effect, and the more anxious and avoidant the extremes are, the harder that dynamic will be to overcome yeah, yeah, definitely, yeah.
Speaker 2:Luckily it didn't take us too long to to figure that out to do that great. Yeah, like the first time I like smothered him with needing the impressions he was like so put off. But when he was calmed down we like talked about it and that's where yeah, it's.
Speaker 1:It's sometimes hard for the anxious person to ask for what they need without feeling like they are smothering, and it's hard for the avoidant person to ask for what they need without feeling like they are disappointing the other person you know, without feeling like they are abandoning or disappointing.
Speaker 1:I don't want to disappoint or abandon you, I just need a little bit of me space. And the next person says I don't want to control you or take you over, I just need a little bit of reassurance. And because they're opposites, that's that's. It sounds like you've done a great job of working through that challenge and for any of you listening who have this dynamic, that's going to be your challenge to work through with your partner, and I will say it tends to get harder when life is harder. So if someone is under stress, if someone is activated to the point where they're acting like their 5 or 10-year-old self again because of some life stressor, you're more likely to revert to old patterns. So don't be disheartened if things are going well and then suddenly a bunch of life stress comes up and someone goes anxious, avoidant again. It's quite normal for that to happen. It just means you're kind of progressing to the next level of difficulty in terms of working through that together.
Speaker 2:So when that does happen, I know there's people that can be overstimulated or just emotional flooding or overwhelmed, that feeling, like you said, where you basically go to the old brain and just can't speak can't function Do you have any tips for when that happens?
Speaker 1:Breathe, first of all when it's happening and try to really become aware of when you're dysregulated like that, because you're never going to do any good to anyone in that state. And it's hard if both you and your partner are dysregulated, because those parts can take you over and you might say something, or your partner says something and then you get more dysregulated and you get defensive and then your partner gets defensive. It can spiral so easily and no good can come really of chatting when you're dysregulated. So I would sit down with your partner, kind of talk about these topics and express how your dysregulation comes out. Your partner may not know how his or hers comes out, but you can at least express how yours comes out and say, look, I'm probably going to say something in those moments to exit the exit stage left or maybe go to another room or do something to make sure that I don't wound you in those situations, because I know that, hey, if I'm taken over by my trauma, I could potentially wound you and if your partner's open to receiving that, they might want to also do the same thing with you. If it's only your end, yeah, you might say look, there are times that I've realized and I can feel my heart starts to race and I start to breathe more quickly, and it's usually when I feel real or imagined, that there's some level of abandonment there from you. That comes from my past and I'm aware of it. That said, I'll probably ask for your help with that as we go along and share how that abandonment affects me. If it takes me over in the moment, one thing I might say is hey, I'm being overtaken by my fears now and I'm really starting to dysregulate. I need to pause and I love you and then leave the room and, however long it takes Now, your partner might be okay with a 30-minute pause or a 12-hour pause, depending on the person.
Speaker 1:Some people like to repair sooner or later. If you guys can have a system where you can prevent things escalating and you don't just need to run away and someone knows you both know each other is loved. You know, sometimes if Sam and I had this, it's like she might say I love you, I need to leave the house and walk this off, and so I know that when she leaves she'll be back within an hour. Okay, so I kind of go. Okay, she's saying that's good, that's an agreement we had, so those things can just kind of help and that way I don't get too anxious because I don't know when this is going to be repaired and she's able to take that time, or vice versa.
Speaker 1:Sometimes it's me that needs to go hang on a minute. I just I need to breathe now because my inner child is coming up with wounding here and I'm going to be no good talking to you in this state. So sometimes I love you, baby. I'm going to go work on this and I'll go whatever sit downstairs or something. So just discussing it during peacetime allows the wounding to be less, if any during escalation time. Does that?
Speaker 1:make sense Tamara.
Speaker 2:Yeah, when you know what to expect, you're seeing it, so you're like, okay, like they said they would do this potentially, so let me calm down.
Speaker 1:Resentments. What's the saying? Resentments are unspoken expectations. So if you have these expectations, I'm going to walk away for 12 hours and be fine, and your partner thinks you're coming back after 30 minutes, that's going to lead to resentment, because that expectation, when it hasn't been discussed, is going to create resentment. There are some expectations you're just never going to think of in advance. But try to cover as many as you can, because the more of these conversations that you have, the more you set in guidelines that keep both people safe. And it's hard to talk about this stuff because a lot of people do have different expectations and you're having a good day you don't really feel like talking about today. I know we're going to have different expectations. This could lead to a fight, you know. If you're struggling to talk about in front of a therapist or a coach or a third party, uh, but have the conversations because as hard as they are, it's better than resent yeah, yeah, I've used the line like for expectation management.
Speaker 2:Can I ask you will will this or that happen? I like that yeah yeah, and then that seems that works for him too, because sometimes I'm like you know, and he'll be more inclined to answer if I say it that way. Like it'll help me, you know, adjust to what we're going to do.
Speaker 1:For expectation. Can you give an example of the end of the sentence for expectation management?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm like for my own expectation management. Are you planning on like going to the gym after, or you'll be home, or like which of the two?
Speaker 1:Oh, that's good.
Speaker 2:Where are you leaning, so I can, at least you know, be aware of which one's probably going to happen. I like that.
Speaker 1:I like that a lot yeah.
Speaker 1:And it's also putting it out there because it's vulnerable too, because your expectations might you might. The answer might disappoint you. And understanding or holding a space of love across when our partner disappoints us is one of the big challenges in forming a really long-term, healthy relationship. Because if I can't disappoint my partner and still feel loved, then I'm never going to want to disappoint my partner. So I'm going to hold back anything that disappoints her. That's going to break intimacy and eventually something really bad is going to happen. So that ability to say, hey, what's your truth here? I still love you even if it disappoints me, and vice versa, um yeah, that's huge yeah, thank you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, definitely needed to like it worked. Yeah, yeah, now I employ it often take care, love that yeah. So um, are there any things you want to say? To kind of wrap up and just make sure, like your main points are covered.
Speaker 1:I would just say you know, in the midst of dating I work with a lot of businesswomen, a lot of type A personalities. Keep in mind, vulnerability is usually the way to lead the conversation. So if I have a client who says, mark, he's not planning dates I'm a planner and this guy's not planning dates, how do I tell him that I need more planning? Or how do I yeah, it could be anything how do I tell him that I would like him to show up more? How do I tell him that? Or how do I ask him even to do this, this or that? It's usually always about leading with vulnerability, which often includes the backstory of why you need that.
Speaker 1:So in the date planning example, it's not really about the planning. It's the lack of safety you feel when things are unplanned, which is very likely from a childhood where you learned to plan because there was no stability or boundaries in the family unit and it was so unstructured that you learned when you were very young that structuring things was the best way to keep yourself safe. And if you really share that from a vulnerable place, the guy's not going to be like, oh gosh, she's asking me to plan everything. She's telling me what to do. He's going to understand how vulnerable you were and how vulnerable you still are, and the planning is not really about the planning. It's about you feel unsafe, and that's it's okay to feel unsafe.
Speaker 1:What's not okay, what's going to break intimacy is going to is going to be to pretend that you don't. So I'm as tough like exterior who just really likes planning. Well, that comes from a raw and vulnerable place, and it's the same for men, from men. In return, you know, really show up with a level of vulnerability and express why things matter to you, from not just your present perspective, but from your past and from what you're made to feel. And that's what's vulnerability bridges connection. So if you can do that with the right people, because you have the right dating strategy, from online or offline, that's going to lead to quality connection with a compatible person.
Speaker 2:Okay. So when it goes to the male or the guy planning the dates, is there some kind of wound that he could have had? Like he disappointed someone when he plans, he'll never plan again. Is that something you can address?
Speaker 1:Oh, totally. I mean, you don't want to be coaching a guy to plan dates from first date onwards. You do want to be inviting, you do want to be able to allow him to know that you want him to do that without doing it for him. The vulnerability from it's like the bar situation, classic bar situation woman makes eyes with the guy she feels attracted to. Guy walks over to talk to her. Who was vulnerable there? From an observer's point of view you would probably say the man is the vulnerable one because he's the one who's risking rejection. But the woman to make eye contact and to be inviting is also risking rejection first. So there's a shared vulnerability there.
Speaker 1:The woman does the inviting and like if you've ever invited someone to a party or a wedding and they don't want to come, it kind of sucks right. It's vulnerable to say hey, I want your presence here, and then the person says no, thank you. So the woman's vulnerability is around the invitation. The man's vulnerability is around the action. Don't do the action with me by general advice. It's not that women can't play at a date. Of course you can if you really want to.
Speaker 1:In general, if you want the man to do most of the chasing, then understand you'll do most of the inviting. You are the shine, you are the diamond. You are the shine, you are the diamond, you are the energy that's being drawn in. That doesn't mean you'll draw every man in. It doesn't mean some men won't go. I don't want that diamond because that will happen. It doesn't mean you did the wrong thing. It just means that that diamond wasn't a match for that person.
Speaker 1:But you do the inviting. You show the man that he's likely to be successful if he attempts. And then you will see if he is able to get over his trauma and attempt. And if he does have a little trauma there, he gets over it. He invites you. You say yes, you show you're excited. You win because he chased. He wins because he got over his fear. Everybody wins. Some men have too much, they're too scared and no matter how many invitations you give them or how much excitement you show at the prospect of them asking you out, they still won't have the courage to do it. They'll want you to do everything and those men are under functioning men and you probably just don't deal with them. So it's sort of that. It's it's that dance and both people are vulnerable in the dance.
Speaker 2:Yeah, okay, awesome, all right. Well, since I interrupted your potential final thoughts, if there's any one last thought, or we can.
Speaker 1:You know what I just? I just say get out there, be curious and and find a way to enjoy the process, because if we actually get off the internet, most of the people we get out there and meet, even if they come from the internet, are actually pretty good people and they're interesting, even if they don't become a match for you. So just find out how to be curious about other humans and um and the rest will take care of itself.
Speaker 2:Awesome. All right, thank you very much for being on. Great information and also help a lot of people. If you love this episode, be sure to tell your friends about it and follow the show as well, and check out Mark's information and website. All right, thanks again.
Speaker 1:Thanks, Amy Tomorrow.
Speaker 2:And thank you everyone.
Speaker 1:It was a pleasure, Thanks guys.
Speaker 2:Thank you, alrighty, frank Talk.
