Straight from the Source's Mouth: Frank Talk about Sex and Dating
Are you perpetually single? Do you want longer-lasting relationships? Tired of the miscommunication and misunderstandings? Wish you were better in bed? Advice from experts as well as real talk from real people so that you can see you are not alone in your thoughts and experiences. I talk about sex in my stand-up comedy and people often tell me that I say what they are thinking but are too afraid to say or admit it to their partners; too taboo they think. We'll talk about books we've read on dating, relationships and sex so that you can gain knowledge without having to read all the books yourself. I'll interview people on both sides of an issue: people who are great at dating and unsuccessful at dating...learn from the person who's great and also learn what not to do! We'll do the same with sex and relationships so that you can learn what works so you don't need to repeat others' past mistakes. I'll interview sex coaches and love coaches. We intend this to be a how-to guide. Hit follow and join us!
Straight from the Source's Mouth: Frank Talk about Sex and Dating
#96 Emotional Intimacy: The Gateway to Sacred Sexuality
What if the path to profound sexual connection begins long before anyone enters the bedroom? Christian de la Huerta, author of "Conscious Love: Transforming Our Relationship to Relationships," reveals how emotional awareness creates the foundation for sacred sexuality and deeper relationship satisfaction.
Most of us are surprisingly clueless about our emotions, suppressing them until they either erupt volcanically or manifest as physical ailments. Christian walks us through practical approaches to developing emotional intelligence, including a simple grid method to check in with yourself throughout the day. This awareness creates choice in how we respond rather than react, allowing us to take responsibility for our feelings instead of blaming others.
The conversation takes a fascinating turn as we explore how historical and cultural factors have separated sexuality from spirituality. In many ancient traditions, sexuality was considered sacred—a pathway to transcendence and union. Christian challenges the artificial divide between physical and spiritual realms, offering practical ways to reclaim the sanctity of sexual connection. He shares a delightful framework comparing sexual experiences to food—from "junk food sex" to "gourmet sex".
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Welcome to the Straight from the Source's Mouth podcast. Frank talk about sex and dating.
Speaker 2:Hello, tamara here, welcome to the show. Today's guest is Christian de la Huerta, an author who wrote Conscious Love, transforming Our Relationship to Relationships, and we'll be talking about emotional intimacy, sacred sexuality and why being good in bed starts way before anyone takes off their clothes. Thanks for joining me, christian.
Speaker 1:Hey, Tamara, so happy to be here with you, looking forward to our conversation.
Speaker 2:Yes, I think it's probably a much-needed conversation, especially the last point what brought you to read a book or write a book? Or, if you want to start with your history or background?
Speaker 1:Well, I mean, I've been doing coaching and retreats for the last, I think, almost 33 years, 34 years, even today, like as I was thinking about it, what most people struggle with is this whole area of relationships, and so I thought, you know I do have some wisdom and practical wisdom to share about that, about how to approach relationships. So that's what inspired this particular book, which is the third book that I've written.
Speaker 2:All right. And then the topic of the emotional intimacy. You want to just jump right into that part, like what is so, what's usually missing or what's needed around that area.
Speaker 1:Awareness right and emotional intelligence, eq. We are clueless. Most of us are about our emotions. My dad was a psychiatrist, and a good one. From what I hear, you know, people who used to see him said you know he helped them, but with his own emotions. That man was clueless and if you would have asked me 30 years ago, when I first started doing this kind of work, what I was feeling, I couldn't have told you because I had no idea what I was feeling.
Speaker 1:To numb them out in all the creative ways that we do, whether it's substances or food or gaming or just even too much exercise, can be ways that we use to avoid thinking and feeling that stuff doesn't go away. What used to be spiritual teaching that everything is energy, now we know from quantum physics that everything is energy, even what feels solid, like this body or this chair that I'm sitting on. That includes the emotions. Emotions, you could say it's energy in motion. So all those countless times throughout our lives when we have suppressed what we were feeling, we didn't feel safe communicating what was going on with us and in some cases we had no idea. You know, like me, we were clueless about what was going on with us and in some cases we had no idea. You know, like me, we were clueless about what was going on with us.
Speaker 1:That stuff doesn't go away. We can't sweep it under the rug. It only gets worse, it festers under the surface. And that only can go two ways we suppress, we suppress, we suppress. And then the next poor, unfortunate soul says something to us the wrong way and boom, volcanic explosion, or suppress, suppress, suppress. That energy has to come out one way or the other and it starts seeping up and showing up as physical symptoms disease, cancer, heart attacks, ulcers, cancer, heart attacks, ulcers. So we've got to increase our EQ and learn how to communicate what we're feeling responsibly right. We don't want to go around like a two-year-old having a total meltdown and tantrum. Like learning how to communicate our internal state, what's going on with us, in a way that it can be heard, in a way that it can be received.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and is there, are there techniques, I'm sure, obviously to be able to become more aware of that and that you've used with clients.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'll tell you what I use and I have a version of it now that I share with clients. I had a grid. You know one side of it it had time of the day, like every hour, every two hours, whatever you want to do and the other grid, I put up maybe a list of 20 emotions and my timer went off. This is before you know. We had iPhones and smartphones with built in time timers and I'd check in with myself Am I feeling that, mm-mm? Am I feeling that, mm-mm? Am I feeling that Mm-mm? Maybe? And you know, I did that for a couple of weeks and it really helped to become aware of what was going on with me day to day, and that makes all the difference.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for your own, because I know they talk about dysregulation and so you, like you said, don't blow up on your partner or whoever you come in contact with. So yeah, and then, well, you can talk about your book as well, or the sacred sexuality part. I know you said there's a chapter, so just kind of we can cover however you want to do it, let's talk a little bit first about to wrap up the emotions.
Speaker 1:Another really key aspect of it is owning, accepting, taking responsibility for the fact that they're our emotions. Right, nobody can make us feel anything. And it's not to exonerate, to look the other way, it's not to excuse anybody's behavior, that's a separate conversation. But our feelings are our feelings. Same situation, you and I could have completely separate emotional, completely different emotional responses to it. So it really behooves us to take the time to figure out what's going on with us and why we feel the way we do. What are our triggers? Because that's going to help our relationships so much. That's going to help our relationships so much because most of us have been approaching our relationships completely unconsciously. You know, in many cases we're even like trying to fill needs from childhood, stuff that we haven't resolved and which we then project on each other. And if we're approaching a relationship which, to me, unconsciously, which means we're thinking that that relationship is going to give us a sense of wholeness, of completion, that it's going to make us happy, forget it right there isn't anybody out there who's going to make us happy and it's not their job to. So how unfair to put that responsibility on another person or on their relationship itself. So if we're going to approach a relationship consciously, meaning that we are clear that only we have the skill sets and that we are responsible for our own happiness, then there are different levels of that. Level one you could say you know the other partner doesn't want to play at that level, but enough of it works right. Sex is good. You cohabitate together, maybe you co-parent well together, you travel well together. There's enough of it that works. So we can say, okay, well, I'm going to stay. I'm going to reclaim all the time, all the effort, all the energy, all the resources that I would otherwise be spending looking for the one with quotes, and I'm going to focus all that stuff on my own personal growth, which is ultimately, I believe, what we're here for. Ultimately, I believe, what we're here for. Level three both beings are completely, fully realized, fully aware of our unitary consciousness, our God essence, whatever you want to call it. So the relationship becomes the sacred dance where we mirror that for each other. I don't think we need to worry about that one yet.
Speaker 1:Let's go back to number two, which is actually the juicy one. Let's go back to number two, which is actually the juicy one. This is where both partners are in. On this, they have an agreement that they're going to use the relationship as a way to speed up our process of healing.
Speaker 1:Because if you want to shine a light on those blind spots that are in the back of our head that we're never going to see in ourselves, get a relationship Because we're so brilliant at projecting onto each other the stuff that's also here inside of us. So if you want to do a relationship consciously, it's a pretty safe bet that if it's there, it's here, and so then the work of that relationship and the more whatever they do gets us, gets our goat, they clear the sign that it's also here, and it could look completely different how we, how we express that um, how we struggle with that. And then we can use right that, the vehicle of the relationship, the container of the relationship, to ask ourselves you know why, why, why? Why does that behavior or that pattern or that situation trigger me, when maybe somebody else that wouldn't get triggered by it, and ask questions. Ask questions like why do we, why do I keep repeating patterns? That sometimes feels like the same boring movie, only with a different co-lead.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was, I was gonna. I had this exact situation happen saturday night. So I, for some reason and I you might not be able to help, but I just want to like relay. Whenever I get dressed up, like we got dressed up, went to dinner, I get like meaner or like more critical or something when we're like walking and heading there and getting there when I'm all dressed up for some reason I don't even know what that but how to describe it but I just get like more nitpicky and like less happy. You know there's some kind of block or weirdness about it. It's happened with other relationships, in this one.
Speaker 2:And it's not a so something obviously happened.
Speaker 2:It's not a question of being late, no, no, no, we had a reservation and we were fine, but I mean, there was like we parked in a parking garage which we went out the wrong exit. I was, I took charge. I start to take charge too is the other thing. He's perfectly capable. But I started being like, oh, we have to go over here. And he knew the way up, but I was like, oh, we have to go here, so of course we had to walk longer. I'm in heels. I didn't like that part, so that was probably the start of it, but I just get nitpickier and meaner.
Speaker 1:So is it a power struggle, Like I'm right and you're wrong kind of thing?
Speaker 2:Not with him as much in the past, for sure, but now it's just more of I don't know. I just I don't know, like some feeling comes over me being dressed up so I'm guessing yeah, I wish I knew, I wish I could you know.
Speaker 1:Like you say, it's subconscious blind spots, like I don't know if there's a way to unlock that but you know, regardless of the why, you have the tools right, you have the awareness, you know the pattern, you see it. So next time, when you get dressed up, like you know, hyper aware, right here it is, I'm dressed up, I'm, you know, hyper aware. Right here it is, I'm dressed up, I'm going out. I have choice over how I feel. I have choice over my emotions. I have choice over my state of being. I have choice over what I say, when I say it, how I say it, right. So just bring yourself hyper present in those situations.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that's actually what he regularly says. Like you have a choice, I'm like that's just how I am, which a lot of people say, but he's like no, and you said you have a choice.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you totally have a choice.
Speaker 2:When you're conscious, you totally have a choice. All right, well, I may have interrupted part of the story. No, that's cool, I just wanted to share an example.
Speaker 1:No, I think real.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but you were talking about the level two and then the three. Were you going back to three?
Speaker 1:No level three. I don't think any of us really need to worry about it yet.
Speaker 2:Yeah, especially if you're there.
Speaker 1:It's like pretty good. Yeah, you're probably not listening to a podcast or a conversation about relationships.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and then, since I asked about sacred sexuality earlier, is it?
Speaker 1:time, yeah, whenever it's like my favorite thing to talk about spirituality and sexuality Great combo. Yeah, and it's understandable. You know why? That is because, as a culture, and even historically, and definitely since the beginning of the patriarchy, because before that sexuality was considered sacred in the time of the matriarchy, when the goddess, the sacred feminine, was honored, they didn't have the split that we have between the physical and the spiritual. And so, in this more hierarchical era that we have been, we have decided that the physical is less than the spiritual and we have split that Like how much further could we have placed the spiritual? How much further from us and from the earth could we have placed what we label as spiritual? And where the hell is heaven anyway? And so no wonder, you know, we have ambivalence in this area. You know, we've been so conditioned that sex I mean not only the body is less than because it's physical. But then we animalized it and in the case of sexuality, we demonized it, we turned it into something sinful, and so no wonder we have sexual issues.
Speaker 1:But what's really interesting, as we were talking about, is that this is a relatively recent development in human history. We haven't always felt like this and believed these things and there's so much evidence, as you know, in many different cultures all over the world that sexuality in different spiritual traditions is considered sacred, considered a very valid path back to yoga, back to union. In Taoism, for example, the yin-yang which we all know what that looks like has elements of both. It's an equal balance between the masculine and the feminine energies. And in Hinduism there's a concept called krity Prataki I don't know how you pronounce it, it's something that I've only read which talks about how, the more that we evolve spiritually, the more that we begin to exhibit both the energies of the masculine and the feminine that course through all of us. And that balance is part of what we're talking about. It's part of what needs to balance if we're going to re-sacralize our relationship to sexuality.
Speaker 2:And is there a way to go about that? Or is it just once you're more enlightened? It just happens, or can you consciously try?
Speaker 1:Of course there's different practices that I talk about in the book and that I talk about in my retreats on relationships. So, for example, I mean, as you know, it all begins with awareness. We can't do anything about what we can't see. So sacralize, like, bring intention to the act, to the experience, intention to the act to the experience. So, rather than approaching it as wham bam, thank you, ma'am, or wham bam, thank you, man, like bring intention to it. Like I say sacralize your bedroom. If there's one room in your house that is not a mess, let it be your bedroom. Bring in your candles, your incense, whatever it is that's going to sensualize the experience and intention. Right, like, just plan it. Like have some clarity about what you're doing, not just getting off for the hell of it, and not to create a hierarchy of sexuality, like sex for the sake of sex, there's nothing wrong with that. But if you want to, like I love, I love.
Speaker 1:Annie sprinkles her take on this. She says there's different levels of sex, just like there's different levels of food, like how we approach food, and she talks about how, and she's talking about more of an american perspective, how in america you have, you know, there's a McDonald's, a Burger King in every corner or Wendy's, and so junk food is really, really available. It tastes good but it's not really good for you, it's not very nutritional, and so that's the level that she compares as junk sex, right, just sex for the sake of sex compares as junk sex, right, just sex for the sake of sex. The wham bam, thank you man.
Speaker 1:Then the second level is health food, right, where you have to spend a little bit more time. You have to read labels, you have to go to certain stores or certain aisles in certain stores. You have to give it more thought, more consideration. That's the level of sex as for health, and we know sex is really healthy for us, not only physically, but emotionally, psychologically and at many different levels. And then she talks about gourmet food. Right, like you have this amazing meal. That's really intentional. That's not only about the kind of ingredients you're using but how they go together. You're thinking about texture and color. The preparation becomes important. That's the level of sacred sexuality, right, where we're bringing a lot more intention to it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I can see where. And are you saying? You saying planet, meaning like let's have that.
Speaker 1:We know we're going to do it at this time, this day, and then, like, prepare and, like you said, with the candles, yeah, at the very least, light a candle right, make sure you're there's not junk thrown all over your bed, like like, treat it like I said, turn your bed and your bedroom into an altar so that you remember, like, what you're going to do. Yes, it's going to feel great and it can be a profoundly spiritual experience. It's like I don't know about you, but before I knew practices like meditation or breathwork, the only time that I popped out of my little separate personality, separate sense of self, you know, the little ego mind, was making love. That was the only time that I got to feel so in union with somebody else, that I popped out of my sense of separation, my sense of separation. And so if we do that, if we approach our lovemaking with that intention, it'll change everything.
Speaker 1:There's a book too that's one of my favorite books. It's called the Universe is a Green Dragon by Brian Swim, who's a cosmologist, a physicist. But this book is really easy to read, it's poetic, it's fun, it's kind of a dialogue between teacher-student, and so he applies some of the principles that govern the cosmos, the stars, to the human experience. Because, much to the surprise of some of us, we are part of the cosmos and so we are ruled by the same principles that rule the stars. So, for example, he talks about the principle of cosmic generosity and he talks about how a supernova, when a supernova explodes and it gives up its form, it gives up itself its identity, if you would what happens? Right, as a result of that ultimate act of generosity, suns and moons and life occurs. And he talks about how, literally like this isn't new, agey or poetic stuff we are made. 99.999% of the atoms in our body are literally the same atoms that are found in the stars. So we can literally say that we are star beings, we are made of star stuff.
Speaker 1:So how do we apply that to sacred sexuality? Right, if we approach it with intention, remembering that it's not just about a wham bam, but that sense of cosmic generosity, and not in a doormatty sort of way like right, like you know how the energy is going to flow when we're more in the giving call it masculine energy, for lack of another word the more proactive which we're all going to have, that energy is going to fluctuate between the both of us. Then we're treating that other body, that other human being, as if it was like an exquisite Stradivarius violin, like helping that body find points of pleasure that maybe they didn't even know they had. And then the energy fluctuates. And now it's our turn to be more in the receptive, call it the feminine, and then we give ourselves in that way Right we like, really give ourselves and allow ourselves to be, to receive the pleasure.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and be out of your head.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Like so many people, are worried about all the things going on in the day.
Speaker 1:Oh my God. And then all the performance stuff, the self-doubt, like that's what gets in the way.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, and you didn't. We didn't mention in the intro but the shame you talk about in your book as well. So that's, I guess that that gets in the way.
Speaker 1:Yeah, all the conditioning. All the conditioning which you know. We started to talk about how sexuality was turned into something bad, something evil, something sinful. How can we feel good about that if that's how we're approaching it?
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, and some people obviously were raised that way, like you're saying, or more and more people have been raised that way in recent times. So the last thing we talked about was being good in bed, which I guess this is kind of what you're saying like approaching it in a sacred way, starts before the bedroom or starts before you take your clothes off. Is that what you're like? Yeah, is that what you're?
Speaker 1:getting at. Yeah, like I also have a section in the book about the. I think it's called Nine Steps to being a Better Lover. One of the steps is that bringing in that awareness, that consciousness of cosmic generosity. Another one is sacralizing the space, like not just taking it for granted, approaching it with intention, like not just taking it for granted, approaching it with intention. And one of them is to just let it be literally about making love literally Right and again, not to create a hierarchy of sex. Sex for sport, great. But if you want to take it to the next level, if you want to really become one, if you want to transcend yourself and access other amazing levels of consciousness, then sacralize it. Yeah, are you familiar or does?
Speaker 1:Tra is a very small percentage of that and I don't know what that number is, what percentage? It is the Kundalini. What's interesting about that is the Kundalini is both the spiritual energy and the sexual energy. So having that awareness, remembering that, knowing that, helps to bridge that chasm right, that split between the physical and the spiritual, realizing that it's artificial. Like the indigenous people all over the world, they didn't have that, that split.
Speaker 1:To them, everything is sacred, you know, the clouds and the rocks and the trees and the creepy crawlies. It's all sacred, including the genitals. And you know, if we're going to go even by the traditional Western religions that claim that God is omnipresent, well, don't tell me then that God is everywhere except for the genitals and the bedroom. Right, it doesn't make any sense. It's either omnipresent or it's not. And if we're going to look at body as temple, again, so many traditions talk about body as temple. The word temple comes from the ancient Greek temenos, which means something that contains within it the sacred presence. So if we remember that, we might make different choices about what situations we place our bodies in and what we do with them, and what we put into our bodies as well. And again, to me it's not about morality or right or wrong. For me it's honoring, like really honoring our bodies and our sexuality.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for sure. I'm a trained health coach too, so I'm right there with you on what you've put in your body.
Speaker 1:Exactly yeah.
Speaker 2:And then was there more on. I know you mentioned there were nine things to be better in bed. Was there more that you wanted to bring up, or some of it?
Speaker 1:I think we've alluded to a lot of it, not point by point, but we definitely got into it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and then how can people work with you?
Speaker 1:How do they reach you if they want to get your book or website your audience might also be interested in is awakening the soul of power. So how do we step into power in a way that's not about hierarchy, control, fear, force, domination, manipulation? How do we do it in a way that doesn't require that we push anybody down, step on them in order for us to feel powerful? So more about power with, rather than power over and, and great information about how to avoid getting stuck in power struggles, which we've all done countless times. So, in terms of reaching me, the best way is my website, which is soulfulpowercom s-o-u-l-f-u-l-p-o-w-e-rcom, and from there they can email me or access social media, whatever they want to do.
Speaker 2:Okay, and then also, are there any takeaways you want to make sure the listeners get from our session?
Speaker 1:Well, I guess two things Going within, right, if you want to have relationships that have a chance of working, if you want to have a sense of personal empowerment, if you want to have lives that are filled with meaning, with purpose. To me that's unavoidable. You got to go within and know yourself before you can even love yourself, and you got to love yourself before you can even really love somebody else. So that's step number one, and it's unavoidable and so worthwhile, because that's where the keys to our happiness lie, in every one of those areas. And then the second one is worthiness. Right, I've worked with so many people who have been stuck in this misunderstanding, this lie that they're not good enough, that they're not good enough, that that they don't, they're not worthy of love, is like, come on, of course you are, and I wish we had more time to dive more deeply into that but, but those are the two things that I would say focus on, and you are infinitely worth, worthy of love.
Speaker 2:Yes, great message. All right, well, thank you so much for being on and if you like this episode, be sure to tell your friends about it and rate it as well, and, of course, follow the show and check out his book for sure. All right, well, thank you again, Thank you. Tamara. All right, Thanks everyone. Bye.
