#106 After the Breakup...with Paul Bauer

Breakups can turn smart people into amateur time travelers—looping through the past, bargaining with memories, and mistaking longing for a plan. We sit down with author and podcaster Paul Bauer to unpack that spiral and chart a way out. Paul shares how a rough divorce and a second hard breakup pushed him to confront the real constant—himself—and why inner game, not tricks, determines whether attraction lasts.

We dig into the difference between being a good man and a “nice guy,” exploring covert contracts, boundary setting, and why approval-seeking reads as instability. Paul breaks down the painful math of chasing an ex: fixed narratives, harder tests, and the near-inevitability of relapse into old patterns. Instead of looping back, he lays out a clean framework for moving forward—no-contact done right, grief without bargaining, rebuilding routines that restore purpose, and practicing selection with intent. The goal isn’t to win her back; it’s to get yourself back so you can date from strength.

From there, we shift into practical tools for attraction and long-term desire. Paul explains how leadership, playful tension, and everyday physicality revive intimacy—especially in “dead bedroom” dynamics—and why waiting until bedtime to ask for connection sets everyone up to fail. We talk about the captain–first officer model, how to lead without steamrolling, and how to keep relationships fun without slipping into complacency. Whether you’re wrestling with one-itis, navigating divorce, or trying to bring spark back to a long-term bond, you’ll leave with clear steps and a steadier frame.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Opening & Guest Introduction
• 0:08 Attraction, “Nice Guys,” and Boundaries
• 3:29 Paul’s Backstory: Marriage to Divorce
• 8:19 The Second Relationship & Wake-Up Call
• 12:22 Deep Dive into Dating Psychology
• 16:28 Why Chasing Exes Fails
• 19:38 Healing First, Then Dating Strategy
• 22:47 The Series: Fix, Forget, and Keep
• 26:44 Relationship Leadership & Long-Term Desire
• 29:32 Initiation, Desire, and Everyday Seduction