How Role Play And Cosplay Restore Sexual Confidence #114

What if the fastest path to honest intimacy starts with a character, a costume, and permission to play? We sit down with clinical sexologist and author Dr. Stephanie Hunter Jones to unpack how role play, cosplay, and power dynamics can help couples move beyond shame, reconnect with desire, and build durable trust. 

We talk through the nuts and bolts of power dynamics in long-term relationships and how they quietly shape feeelings and emotions. 

From sexual anorexia as a form of control to erectile dysfunction’s emotional roots, we explore the biology-psychology-relationship triad and offer practical next steps.Connect with Stephanie’s work, including Beyond the Costume and resources at StephanieHunterJones.com, and remember—authenticity often starts with a little make-believe.

Enjoyed the conversation? Follow the show, share it with a friend, and leave a quick review so more people can find frank, stigma-free sex and dating education.

Chapters

• 0:00 Meet Dr. Stephanie Hunter Jones
• 0:19 Role Play And Cosplay Defined
• 3:12 Power Dynamics Inside Relationships
• 4:23 Healing Through Assigned Roles
• 6:40 A Renaissance Cosplay Breakthrough
• 8:16 Fantasy Sharing Without Shame
• 9:46 Understanding Sexual Anorexia
• 12:06 Erectile Dysfunction Beyond The Physical
• 14:03 Open Relationships And Boundaries
• 15:14 Beyond Penetration: Broader Sexuality
• 16:24 Books, Self-Worth, And Where To Find Help
• 18:52 Closing And Listener Invitation

Transcript

Intro: 0:00

Welcome to the Straight from the Source's Mouth Podcast. Frank talk about sex and dating.

Tamara: 0:06

Hello, Tamara here. Welcome to the show. Today's guest is Dr. Stephanie Hunter Jones, a clinical sexologist, author, and a certified intimacy and sex coach who helps kids, teens, and families and adults. And we'll be talking about the power of role play, cosplay, and power dynamics as tools for healing, enhancing sexuality, and finding love. Thanks for joining me, Stephanie. Thank you, Tamara, for having me. And thank you to your listeners. Yes, I think I haven't had this topic, so I'm excited to have a brand new topic. Especially the cosplay and role play and all that stuff, which I I never do myself. So I'm curious to hear how I mean I know I hear a lot about it, but I've never ever tried it. So well, you're not alone.

Dr Stephanie Hunter: 0:52

It's uh a lot of people have not, but uh it's definitely a tool I use in my practice, and I've seen great results with it with my couples and individuals. So yeah. But I mean one but one does have to be willing to get out of one's comfort zone.

Tamara: 1:07

Yeah, yeah. And as I as I was saying that, I was like, oh wait, maybe I have a little bit, like just you know, not nothing formal, but a little bit of something. Sure. But yeah, so what do you want to just go right into what it does or what why you think it's a great thing for your practice?

Dr Stephanie Hunter: 1:23

Or well, uh yeah, for me, I found that it helps individuals sort of escape their own judgments or or things that stop them within their mind, and it frees them. It allows them to allow their sexuality to take on a certain character, so to speak, or certain role that gives them a little bit more permission to play.

Tamara: 1:52

Yeah, yeah, I can see that. So they're it's almost like actors where they're playing a character instead of operating as themselves.

Dr Stephanie Hunter: 1:59

Yes. And if you think of what makes a great actor is one that can play themselves, but also are bringing a big portion of themselves with them. And the same is true for cosplayers. Okay, and for those that don't know, what is it exactly cosplay like that? Um well, it's again, everybody has different definitions to different things. The way I see it is finding a era, a time in history, or a film, or a character, and that you really, really connect with for some reason. And exploring why you feel connected to that, and then adapting a character that corresponds with that, uh, sort of makes you feel at home, makes you feel comfortable. So that's sort of how I describe cosplay.

Tamara: 2:53

Yeah, and cause is the short for costume, is that correct? Yes. Yeah. And then you talk about power dynamics as well with and role-playing.

Dr Stephanie Hunter: 3:05

Oh, absolutely. Um, that can be utilized with or without the cosplay portion of it. But um, one of the things I have found that is um common in couples that struggle with um sexual connection is power dynamics. Power plays a big part in sexuality. And what do I mean by that? I mean perhaps one of the partners holds a lot of power, even not realizing it unconsciously, in the relationship. They're a little controlling, a little bossy boots, and the other partner is kind of pulling away or shutting down, not realizing why. So, what I try to do, I always try when I work with couples, is to learn their power dynamics from the get-go. And then once I know if it's off balance, what I can do is I usually, you know, I I'm assigning a lot of homework, but in the process, I will assign a role play and I will give the one that I feel is experiencing a lack of power total control and power in the role play scene. And um I have found that to be a very good healing tools uh for couples, and then we process it afterwards and what it felt like. Um, oftentimes I have them flip it too, so that we can talk about that portion of it and how that felt. Because you learn a whole lot about yourself in that scenario, that type of scenario. Because yeah, while there are some people that want to be in a position of power, there's a lot of people that are attracted to people in power. So it can play a big role in sexuality.

Tamara: 5:02

Yeah, is is there a dynamic that works best? Is like taking turns, or if one prefers it, you just let them like or is that yeah, it would just depend on what the individual couple that I see what they need.

Dr Stephanie Hunter: 5:15

Yeah. I've been doing this a long time, and I can kind of have really good intuition and I can kind of see ways that it should go. Yeah. So it just depends.

Tamara: 5:26

Yeah. I was I was just gonna ask though, is there is it common to have like the male is usually in power or is it totally well? I guess you also work with same-sex couples too. So yeah.

Dr Stephanie Hunter: 5:37

Um, no, it's not uh I would say there I with me, I don't uh I know a lot of people say men do this and women do that. Because I have worked with so many different types of cultures, couples, everything, uh, I don't see a difference in gender. No, not really at all. Because I have seen everything, trust me. Yeah.

Tamara: 6:03

Yeah, I was gonna say like and then I well, yeah. Do you want to share like some of the the craziest things you've seen, or is that more you want to go in a different direction and we can switch it over?

Dr Stephanie Hunter: 6:15

Well, um I would just say um I yes, I've seen a lot of crazy things, but I want to say um I don't really judge that for being crazy because a lot of that uh our craziness and the ways we do things actually can be used as a healing tool for us. And um I'll give you an example. I had a client who was felt herself and was real embarrassed about it, but really felt comfortable um during the Renaissance time. That's just the time that she connected to, and she had a lot of shame in regards to sexuality. So I worked with her and encouraged her to dress in costume while she's home alone. And she began to do that and really got in touch with herself through that process until finally she was able to masturbate, and she was able to masturbate while in costume and able to fully enjoy it for the first time ever. So that's just sort of an example of how I mean it can work. I think many of us have a seriousness for sexuality. While it can be serious, that's not what I'm saying, but I think we lack the creativity and the playfulness of it and what that creative energy and that playfulness can do in the form of healing.

Tamara: 7:53

Do you want to say more about how it heals? Or is that just kind of the bottom line?

Dr Stephanie Hunter: 7:58

Well, I mean, it would it again, it's um it's if you think of creative energy and you think of play, you think of freedom, you think of adventure. And if we think of adventure and healing, I mean I'm sorry, if we think of adventure and freedom, that heals us, right?

Tamara: 8:17

Yeah.

Dr Stephanie Hunter: 8:18

I mean, if we go on this fabulous adventure, there's no way that it isn't gonna heal a part of your uh what you're going through. It takes you out of your space that you're at and puts you somewhere else. And that's exactly what a cosplay and role roleplay does. It takes you out of yourself and puts you into another world where you can be free. I also have noticed that with a lot of couples, um there's a lot of shame in in sharing their sexual fantasies. First, uh you have to understand just because something is a sexual fantasy doesn't mean it has to come true. So I have found that role-playing and cosplaying allows a safe space for couples to share uh some maybe fantasies they've been sort of embarrassed to share. Um because again, they are behind the mask, so to speak. Even though it's still who they are in their heart.

Tamara: 9:26

Yeah. Yeah, because and is there I know you said you give people homework, so I guess, and again, it's probably a different reach couple, so can't still generate.

Dr Stephanie Hunter: 9:37

Yeah, I've worked many years on creating different assignments, so yeah, those are things that my cat couples my clients get, so definitely.

Tamara: 9:46

I do see one you mentioned um you sexual anorexia. How would how what is that and how would you treat it or just describe it?

Dr Stephanie Hunter: 9:56

Okay. So when we think of anorexia, we often think of the food. Now, what makes one anorexic? Usually they say it does stem from control, and what the individual does is they starve themselves to the point where they no longer crave food, and to the point where they can actually be repulsed at the thought of food. The same thing is true with our sexuality. We can starve our sexual appetite to the point where we don't crave it anymore, or we can even be repulsed by it. Also, if you think of the control aspect of it, I have found it this takes us back to the power dynamics in a couple that one partner can withhold sex under the guise of I'm just not feeling it anymore, or I just don't think about it. When in fact it's a form of control, that person is controlling the relationship through that, and that's also sexual anorexia. Yeah, I can see that. Yeah. Yeah, and and you're also actually let me just say this um they don't realize they're doing it, but by starving themselves and losing their own appetite, they're they're in their mind, they're thinking they're taking control of the relationship. They hold all the power to the pleasure that's not happening.

Tamara: 11:39

Yeah, and they determine if or when it's gonna happen there. Right. If there's more to talk about cosplay, like it sounds like it's it's you think it's good, and there's you know it's different for every couple, so there's nothing like generically you can talk about it. Right. Unless you want to just make like closing comments about it, and then we can try a different topic.

Dr Stephanie Hunter: 12:00

No, I just uh again, I just want to invite people to know there's options out there where you can play. That's all.

Tamara: 12:10

So I know you wrote a book, so do you want to talk about it and then like where they can reach you and anyone?

Dr Stephanie Hunter: 12:17

Yeah, sure. Um, the book is Beyond the Costume, and um you can re uh get all my books, the links on my website, and it's just StephanieHunter Jones.com, and then I have my books there and and everything. And yeah, my book, Beyond the Costume, it shows cosplay not just for sexual healing, but for emotional healing. The main character Mason starts out as a little boy in a and with an abusive father, abusive alcoholic father, and he doesn't realize it, but he uses cosplay to get through that pain. And then it shows a lot of bullying he he gets from it until he reaches adulthood and he has a lot of shame about it, and then he does therapy with this quirky character named Dr. Stephanie. And what we do is we come to understand that what he has created for himself is actually a gift and that it's special, and that if he accepts it and he embraces it, and if he celebrates it, then others around him will. And he does that in his life, totally turns around. He gets the courage to uh go forward with the job he's always wanted, and he meets and he falls in love, and for the first time his whole life, he tells the partner on the first date that he's a cosplayer, and he explained to her what he what he was, because she was unsure. And he because he was ready to own who he was, and he was ready to realize that it may be too much for her. But she takes a period of time to think about it and do her own research, but then she realized that a man that could be that authentic, her name is Raven. Um that authentic is the type of man she wanted in her life. So it's it's a beautiful love story.

Tamara: 14:17

Yeah, it sounds like it. And that is good dating ways they say to do that. Like, you know, people find out right away if you're if you're if you're for them and they're for you, so you might as well just put it all out there and the ones the ones that like it will stick around. That's right. Absolutely. Yeah. And um, I know you also talk about um erectile dysfunction and some of the emotional causes versus like the physical stuff. You want to talk about that just to like um yes.

Dr Stephanie Hunter: 14:44

Well, I mean, that's a big topic right there. Um, but um some of it can also be control issues. Um they don't realize they're doing it, but they are also controlling the sex by controlling their erection. So I find a lot of that is at play with erectile dysfection. But that's not the only thing. There's a lot of things at play at that, but there again, control can be play a part.

Tamara: 15:13

All right. And so since you said there are more, do you want to share what those other ones are as well as the control?

Dr Stephanie Hunter: 15:19

Or well, I mean, there's yeah, it takes exploring the individual. They could have a hormone imbalance, it could be a physical problem. It could be that they have suffered trauma in the past and trauma that they may not even remember. And that can also be a control thing. They're trying to reclaim their power that way. They could have um other issues, like they could have porn addiction, a sex addition addiction. Um, they could not be present in their body, it could be childhood emotional trauma. I mean, that is just a long list of stuff that I just have to go through with the individual to kind of figure out where they are on this path and this journey.

Tamara: 16:04

Yeah. That sounds yeah, I've I've had a couple episodes on it, so I just always like to get a little other perspectives on it. So yeah, yeah. And I know okay. I was just saying, I know you work with um same-sex couples and alternate lifestyle or open relationships and that kind of stuff. Do you want to talk about if there's any difference there? I guess it's just more people to talk to or about sexual.

Dr Stephanie Hunter: 16:29

Well, again, it's because it goes back to all of our sexuality is unique and different and special, so we can't put everybody in a box.

Tamara: 16:37

Yeah.

Dr Stephanie Hunter: 16:37

And so, uh, yeah, about half of my clientele is um some type of open relationships. There's many different types of open relationships. And I usually work with newer couples that are just starting out and help them explore what does that look like for them and why do they want that? And is this the right time for them? And are they is are in the are they in their relationship where they're ready for it? Things of that nature. And then if we decide to move forward, we set up boundaries and we do little things. I always recommend going slowly and dipping our toe into things and taking it slow so that we know, judge how our feelings are, and all of that good stuff.

Tamara: 17:22

So, yeah, that makes sense. And let's see, is there anything you would like to talk about or bring up that I haven't asked yet?

Dr Stephanie Hunter: 17:34

Just that um I would invite people to know that penetration and orgasm is a very small part of sexuality. And there's so much out there, so much more available for you to express your sexuality. And in that, I I really recommend playing and having fun and um exploring.

Tamara: 18:02

Are there any books you recommend? I mean, obviously yours, but are there other others?

Dr Stephanie Hunter: 18:07

Well, again, it would just depend on what their goal was. Yeah, there's lots of books out there, but it should depend on their goals.

Tamara: 18:13

Yeah, you don't have like a go-to kind of Bible for like the Well, I do.

Dr Stephanie Hunter: 18:17

Well, my my Bible is You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. Uh and even though that doesn't cover sexuality, I always have my clients read that first because it covers self-love and self-worth, which is where our sexuality starts.

Tamara: 18:32

Yeah, yeah, I've definitely heard that before. Okay, well, um, unless you have more, I think I am yeah, appreciate the time. Yeah, I mean, we've definitely covered the whole idea of it, so that is yeah, and like you said, it's so individual that there's not like you can really talk about they just they will understand how to reach you and say your website once more. I know you it's your full name. But yeah,

Dr Stephanie Hunter: 18:55

StephanieHunterJones.com.

Tamara: 18:58

Okay, all right. Well, thank you again. And if you enjoyed this episode episode, be sure to tell your friends about it and rate it as well. And thank you again, Dr. Stephanie.

Dr Stephanie Hunter: 19:07

Thank you.

Tamara: 19:08

All right, thanks everyone. Bye.

Outro: 19:11

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