Create Safer Love When You Do Your Inner Work First #115

What if the health of your relationship depends less on finding the “right person” and more on becoming your truest self? That’s the lens we bring to a frank, generous conversation with conscious relationship coach, intuitive guide, and author LaShawn McCrary. We explore why inner work is the starting line for aligned love, how to tell compatibility from true alignment, and what it takes to build a relationship where both partners feel safe enough to be fully seen.

We also highlight LaShawn’s two books. I Am Not An Option is a call to own your truth in dating—if you want marriage, say it, and let misaligned partners pass. Before We Go Any Further is a pre‑engagement workbook that guides couples through the conversations most skip: division of labor with kids, money expectations, boundaries around social media, conflict styles, and long‑term goals. You’ll leave with questions that protect your future, language for asking your partner for what you need, and a compass for building agreements instead of assumptions.

If this resonates, share it with someone you care about, hit follow to get new episodes, and leave a quick review telling us one hard conversation you’re ready to have. Your story might help someone else choose a braver love.

Chapters

• 0:00 Meet LaShawn And The Mission
• 0:39 What A Conscious Relationship Coach Does
• 2:46 Individual Work Versus Couple Work
• 4:26 Intuitive Guidance And Source
• 6:35 Signs Your Relationship Is Aligned
• 9:15 Pet Peeves Versus Deal Breakers
• 12:05 What Women Need And Naming Needs
• 15:20 Men Want Respect, Love, And Safety Too
• 18:22 Creating Space For Male Vulnerability
• 22:22 Book One: I Am Not An Option
• 25:42 Owning Truth And Setting Boundaries

Transcript

Intro: 0:00

Welcome to the Straight from the Source's Mouth Podcast. Frank talk about sex and dating.

Tamara: 0:06

Hello, Tamara here. Welcome to the show. Today's guest is LaShawn McCrary, a conscious relationship coach, intuitive guide, and author. And we'll be talking about helping couples and individuals get real, get aligned, and love better. Thanks for joining me, LaShawn. Thank you so much for having me, Tamara. How are you today? I am good. Awesome. Yes. I think, and if you want to just get right started, if so for those that don't know or can't imagine, what is a conscious relationship coach versus like any other kind of coach?

LaShawn: 0:39

Well, I decided to use that term when I decided that I wanted to help people do more of the internal work, the spiritual work that many people may not already be doing in their lives. So as a conscious relationship coach, my whole focus is to first get people to go inside themselves, do their inner work, do their um inner healing that needs to take place within themselves first, and then for them to take that newer version of themselves and to present that person inside their relationship. And when both people are going inside themselves, when both people are doing the work, then it allows them to really create a safe, vulnerable space where they can feel free to be themselves, whoever they are, whoever they choose to be in this world, and then make decisions about their relationship from that point.

Tamara: 1:40

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. And and you say you help them individually, and then as a couple, so do you work with them separately, or this is just if you're working with individuals, you would start there?

LaShawn: 1:51

Well, when I'm working with individuals, it just depends on what their particular needs are. So everyone that comes to me does not necessarily need help with their relationships, although many times that is a part of it, but that's not the entirety of it. So for individuals, it's whatever work they need to do in order to be their greatest and highest self. And of course, if there's a couple, yes, it's always them doing the inner work, but we're working on it together. So it's kind of like all of us coming together, creating that open space so that they can see each other, so that they can hear one another better, and they can learn how to communicate better so that they again can make decisions that are in the greatest and highest good of not only themselves but the relationships simultaneously.

Tamara: 2:39

Yeah, that makes sense, obviously. And communication is is huge. So learning how to do it makes sense together. And then you mentioned being an intuitive guide. Is that I mean, it's can be self-explanatory, but just go ahead and in case it's not for everyone.

LaShawn: 2:56

Right. Well, as an intuitive guide, it is me in my highest and greatest form, tapping in whether some people call it whether it's a psychic or some people like to use the word prophet. There are so many different terms. For me, the word intuitive is what I feel um is most comfortable and what suits me and what I do. And it really is just having this great, wonderful relationship with the source that I call God, source universe, this all-encompassing, loving being that I believe resides within each and every person. And so I tap into that and I share this information with people.

Tamara: 3:40

Okay. Yes. Yeah, and I was gonna say, is it well, I was gonna say, does it come too quickly? But I guess that's kind of irrelevant that you get to it at some point.

LaShawn: 3:49

Well, you know, it it does. It it actually does. I usually have people schedule appointments with me so that I can take time to really sit and take notes and you know, really tune in and hear, but I also can just have someone, you know, walk up to me on the on the street, you know, and we start a conversation and then all of a sudden something will just come forth. So I'm just open to using my gifts however my gifts surface and whenever they surface.

Tamara: 4:19

Okay. And I do see um, well, when how do you know if your relationship is truly aligned? If you are working with couples or for people listening, how do they how can they know if it's the the the one they're in is they are truly aligned or not? How do you determine?

LaShawn: 4:36

Well, one of the things that they need to do, because it's not up to me to decide whether or not two people are aligned, it's up for them or up to them. And they can always tell because they can feel what's going on. Now, sometimes you may just be a little off course, but when you look at your overall relationship, do you just have areas where you're just simply compatible, which is good. Like, for example, two people can decide we both love sports, we're both foodies, we both enjoy the same types of movies and music. So those are areas where those two individuals can be very compatible. However, if the trajectory of your lives is going in different directions because you have completely different belief systems about the way a relationship should operate, maybe your own religious or spiritual beliefs, maybe your political beliefs. So there are other things that are very important in our lives. And if you find out that you're going in two completely different directions, then that relationship isn't in alignment, even if you have all these other areas of compatibility. So they really have to look at their relationship holistically.

Tamara: 5:49

Yeah, I definitely agree. Like core values, having those shared values are more important than because I just discovered recently that um like we have the like we share the core values, but the little stuff is what's different. And it's so little it doesn't really matter, but there's a lot of little differences. Would you say that's still fine? Like, like literally, like I prefer blinds clothes, he prefers them open, like small sleeves that small. Yeah, he likes to eat standing up. I like to eat sitting down, and like he'll stand and I'm sitting. I'm like wishing he would come, you know, like little, little stuff.

LaShawn: 6:23

No, that and that's hilarious because I actually will eat standing up many times, especially if I'm by myself. I will not go over to the table. That was a pet peeve that my mother had with me many, many years ago. I don't even know where I got that from. It's just something that I like to do. So it's just like, well, I'm ready to eat, the food's here. Why go have a seat? You know, why move? But to answer your question, you know, those things fall under the category of pet peeves. It's something that's very small. They're not deal breakers, they're just simply preferences. And if we allow ourselves to just say, hey, I like it this way, they like it that way, you know, when you're in a room, you could say, okay, I love the blinds open, so I'll open the blinds. But he prefers the blinds closed. So when he's in the room, he'll close the blinds. And if there can be mutual respect, then all of those little pet peeves don't matter. So those are smaller things, but it doesn't change the trajectory of your life because if the rest of the relationship is really, really good, no, we're not gonna break up the relationship just because, you know, uh one person again over the blinds or over dishes or simple things like that. Now I will say when pet peeves seem to become an issue, there probably is a much larger issue at hand. So one day, you know, it's just like you guys are in a rhythm, you're close, you're opening the blinds, he's closing the blinds, and then one day it just becomes this really big, huge thing. It's not about the blinds, there's something else that's going on. And that's why it's really great for couples to learn how to communicate with each other because anyone can have a really bad day. And it's really great when your partner can see, hey, that's not how he or she normally behaves. What's going on? And you know when to have that conversation and you know how to interject so that they understand, hey, you know, you're going off the deep end, but it's really not that serious. So what's going on with you? What is it that happened? You know, what do I need to know? Fill in the details and begin to have that conversation so that it doesn't continue to grow. Because anytime when we don't have those very important conversations, when there's something wrong with our mate and we're not addressing the issue, it can create havoc in other areas of our lives. So we do want to get to that as quickly as possible, have that conversation so that it just goes back to open blinds, close blinds, but it's not covering up something else.

Tamara: 8:56

Yeah, definitely. And you do talk about what women need to feel safe or what they need to feel valued in love. Like, do you want to like share versus like I have my own, I've heard other stories, but like men need respect, women need other things. Like, what would you say that women need that men don't always see?

LaShawn: 9:14

Or you know, I think yeah, and and that's a great question. And I think that different people need different things, and depending on the stage of life that they're in, that need continues to change. So I I really don't like to say it's this one thing, because it could be many things, right? Depending on the woman and where she is in her life. So the first thing I would say is for her to know what it is that she needs. Because many times, you know, as a woman, it can be like, ah, I'm I'm just feeling and I can't really express it myself. So if I can't express it myself, I can't expect my husband to come to me and be able to help me solve something if I don't even know what it is. So, first it's just about going inside yourself and really figuring out what is it that I want? What is it that I need in this moment, or what is it that I need in this phase of my life? And sometimes it's just, you know what? I just need to be held. Sometimes it's I need to hear that I'm beautiful. Sometimes it's I need more help with the children. And so, whatever that need is, having the confidence and the courage to be able to go to your partner and share that and sharing in a in a way where you're just simply saying, This is what I need you to help me with, and not uh, you never do the dishes or you never do this, and not creating an argument and also not having an expectation that they should know. This is something, you know, an area where a lot of couples get caught because they're like, Well, we've been together, they should know. Well, maybe they should, but do you want to have that argument on top of it? Do you want to make it worse? Or do you want to simply come out and say, hey, this is something that I need for you or from you? Can I expect you to help me? Can I, you know, uh, will you show up for me in that way? And when you're willing to go inside and be soft and be gentle and have that conversation, it has a way of changing things and it has a way of shifting things because now they're seeing that you actually need the help. So again, you know, for a woman, it's again you relating with inside yourself, what is it that I need? What is it that I want? And that does that answer your question?

Tamara: 11:38

Yeah, yeah. And I've yeah, I just heard it that, you know, because it well, Tony Robbins said this years ago that women want to feel love or seen and seen and seen and heard and understood, and then men value respect like more than anything. But yeah, I mean, obviously that's at the bottom of everything you're saying, right, right.

LaShawn: 12:00

And you know, but but I like that. But what's also interesting is that as things are shifting a little bit and more men are speaking up about wanting to be vulnerable and really wanting to develop themselves spiritually. Guess what? Men want to be seen and heard too. And part of being respected is being seen and being heard and being valued. So we have a lot of same core needs, but many times they're given a different title. So people see it as something completely different. But there are many core needs, and you know, even as a woman, uh, being respected is very, very important for women. You know, it I it's one thing that really makes me cringe, is when I see anyone being disrespected, but even more so when I see women that do things that can be taken as them disrespecting themselves or disrespectful of women in general. So, you know, that's again a very important topic in recognizing that we all want to be seen, we all want to be heard, we all want to be respected. And, you know, men usually don't put love up there at the top, but they want to be loved too. You know, that they want to feel safe, they want to have the ability to be vulnerable, but society hasn't always opened up the doors and given them a safe space to say that. So what do they do? They bury everything.

Tamara: 13:31

Yeah. Yeah. Along along those lines, what does emotional vulnerability look like? What would you say for a men? Like what is it um, or what needs to be there for them to be able to do that too?

LaShawn: 13:44

I believe that in order for a man to be vulnerable, he has to really trust the woman that he's being vulnerable with. If it's a woman that's a gossip, if it's a woman that every time she hears something, she's spreading it all over social media, he most likely is not going to feel too comfortable sharing certain things, you know, with her and really allowing himself to be vulnerable out of the fear that it may end up on social media, you know, out of the fear that it may be shared with friends and family when it was just meant for her to hear, you know, and many times it's not about somebody fixing a situation, but there come times in life when we realize that there are certain things from our past or maybe certain things that are going on in our lives now, and we realize the great impact that those things are having in our lives, and we want a safe space to share. So if there's a man and he's coming to this point in his life and he's been in this relationship, this marriage for a while, he wants to know that he can share it and it's gonna stay right there, that it's not going to be used against him at a later time. And also knowing that you're still going to continue to respect, love, and support him even after he's been vulnerable. You know, I think it's a really sad thing in this society that there almost has to be death or some type of catastrophic event for it to be okay for a man to cry. Because there are other situations in life where they may feel it, where they may need it. But again, because it's just like, no, no, no, little, you know, you don't cry, you know, you're a man, you don't get the opportunity to share your feelings. And that's never been good for them health-wise, you know. And you know, so so it's time for it, you know, it really is. But those are some of the things that need to be in place in order for a man to be vulnerable. And I'll even go even further to say this. If you're a woman and you want the man in your life to be more vulnerable, you have to ask yourself, am I creating space for that? Am I really willing? You know, is another question. Am I willing to truly see him share himself with me? Am I willing? Am I okay if he begins to shed tears? Or am I going to see that as a sign of weakness? You know, is he not allowed to really be that vulnerable and transparent in front of me because I'm going to think less of him? And if you are, then don't ask him to be transparent. Don't ask him to be vulnerable. Don't ask him to open up because what will happen is, you know, you will look at him as less than, and then he will retreat and he's going to go even further into the so-called man cave, right? And then you may never get him to come back out because he tried it, he trusted, it didn't work. And so he's going to go right back into that cave. And understandably so, because right now the cave is where men feel safe. They may not like it, they may know that they are suppressing it and they feel a need to share, but it's just like, but where do I go? So that's just something, you know, for for ladies to think about if you're saying, Oh, he's holding everything inside, create the safe space for him to come out.

Tamara: 17:23

Yeah, yeah, definitely. Sounds like a great idea.

LaShawn: 17:27

Yeah, I I I like that as an idea.

Tamara: 17:30

Yeah. And since the third thing you mentioned, or we mentioned in the intro was being an author, do you want to talk now about the book and the workbook that you have? Yes, we can do that.

LaShawn: 17:42

I wrote uh years ago um a book titled I Am Not an Option, and it is a woman's guide to self-love and relationships. And this book came around in a time where I was really learning and hearing that when it came to the topic of relationships, that many women were lying to men and making it seem as if they were okay with being friends with benefits or just not having a title. And no, I don't want to get married, I don't need this, I don't need that, but that wasn't their truth. And this is, you know, pretty much how that book came about with you know, talking to women and saying, you know, we need to be honest with ourselves, you know, before we can be honest with anybody else, we need to be honest with ourselves and we need to own our truth, whatever it is. If you want to be married, then you want to be married. Now, I'm not saying go out on a date with someone for the first time and just like, do you want to be married? How soon do you want to be? You know, we're not talking about moving in a space of desperation, but it is important for women to understand that they need to know what it is that they want, what it is that they stand for, and be okay with setting those boundaries. I remember talking to a young lady and she said to me, you know, I'm listening to you and it resonates with me. And I feel like I need to do that. She said, But my problem is if I mention to a man that, you know, I'm even thinking about, you know, a serious relationship or that I'd like to be married one day, then I'm kind of met with this negativity. And I said, Oh, that's good. And she said, Well, what do you mean? I said, Because he's telling you it's not him. Let go. Why are you afraid to release someone who isn't in your life anyway? And this is the realization that a lot of women need to have. If he doesn't want what you want, that's not your person, and it's okay. Rejoice in that, be happy, release him, because all it's gonna probably end up being is heartache for you anyway. Because three months, six months down the line, if you really like this person, you're getting along really well. But remember when we talked earlier about the alignment and the trajectory of your lives, he wants to be happily single forever or maybe live together but never put a ring on it. If that's truly what he wants, but that's not what you want, why are you going to allow yourself to invest, to invest the time, the energy, the money, the sacrifice, everything that you're putting into that individual. Why are you going to invest in that space when he's clearly telling you that's not what he chooses? So I am not an option, is about the self-love, about developing yourself, about going through and just really figuring out again as a woman who you are, what you want, and being confident to step into that space and not be an option. And I think one of, as a matter of fact, I know one of the greatest compliments that I received on this book was from two gentlemen who shared with me that this isn't a book for women, it is a book for people. And one of them actually said to me, you know, LaShawn, if I had read this many, many years ago, I would probably still be in my first marriage. And I was just like, oh, wow, okay, you know, and and I thought that, you know, that that was, you know, huge that men could read this book and not just see it as it's a book for girls, and you know, that you know, that that's the woman stuff. But no, but it it's really clear and again, just really diving into and knowing who you are. So that's I am not an option. And then my most recent release is Before We Go Any Further, and it's a pre-engagement workbook for couples. Now, I wrote this book after being married for a little bit, and I began to listen to other married couples differently and recognizing that wow, it's just like, what happened to everyone? You know, the people that I'm working with, the people that I know personally. And I realized that there were conversations that were had, but there weren't enough in-depth conversations about what people really wanted. Because it's one thing to say, oh, you want a family, I want a family, okay, two kids, three kids, okay, cool, and we're good. But who's going to be getting up in the middle of the night feeding those children? Who's going to be doing the one that's, you know, feeding, changing diapers? Who's going to be picking them up from school or wherever when they get sick? These are more questions that need to be asked because when couples haven't had those deeper conversations, that marriage is going to run into trouble unless they're on the same page. Now, if they're, you know, on the same page, then you're good. But more often than not, I'm finding out that couples are not on the same page and not just on that topic, on many topics. So this is where that alignment comes from and really tapping into the courage to have those conversations. I remember someone had asked me a little while ago, they said, wow, you know, that can be kind of scary. I said, Well, you know, it can be a little scary, but do you really want to move forward into your future in fear? Like hoping that it doesn't happen. Because anytime when there's something that's an issue, if there's an issue, it's an issue and it's going to surface at some point in time. So you might as well deal with it now. And what I like to tell people is just because there's an issue, that doesn't mean that it's a deal breaker. That doesn't mean that you have to end the relationship. It just means that you have some figuring out to do before you go any further. And that was the whole reason of, you know, the title being before we go any further, before the ring is purchased, before friends and family are told, oh, we're getting engaged. Because at that point in time, it makes it that much more difficult for couples to have honest conversations. Now they're really just kind of like, oh, we'll be okay. Yeah, we're good, we're fine. And the question is, but are you really? Are are you fine today? Because that's one thing. And then there's long-term fine. Is it are you going to be fine five years from now, 10 years from now? Will you make it 10 years? So these are the type of conversations that I want couples to have in more depth. And so the book covers topics of kids and family and social media because that's not going anywhere. And there are couples that are breaking up on social media. And social media, I've heard a lot of people say social media ends relationships. And here's my my my uh take on that, people. Social media does not end relationships. People end relationships, people who allow themselves to entertain things that are in breach of your agreement. That is what ends relationships. So people have to decide how much exposure they can handle. I know certain people who say, you know what, I'm not even going to get on social media because I know what's out there, it's going to be tempting for me. So I'm just going to leave it alone. That's called wisdom. So you have to know yourself as a person and what you're willing to allow into your relationship. Because ultimately, if that relationship has two people in it, then everything that does or does not happen in that relationship is the responsibility of those two people. So those are the type of conversations that I'm really encouraging more couples to have before they go any further.

Tamara: 25:33

Yeah, because a lot of them just are planning the wedding and talking about all that part of it, not thinking about anything past it.

LaShawn: 25:40

Absolutely. Absolutely. And it's such a major investment. It's a major investment of time. And when I think about the expense that you know that people spend to for weddings and engagement parties and pictures and just the whole shebang, it's a lot of money. So my thinking is before you do that, go through the workbook. See if there are areas where the two of you need to work on it. And if so, invest more. And maybe you do need a relationship coach. Maybe you need to go get some type of therapy, whatever it is that you need to do, but really put those enforcements in place before you go any further. And then that way you walk into your future feeling a lot more secure. Feeling, and of course, nothing is perfect, right? We know that, but your chances, I want you to increase your chances. I'd really love to see the numbers of divorce really begin to decrease. And I believe that that can happen if people are really coming from a more conscious uh perspective and really allowing themselves to do the inner work and sharing that information with their partner. I do believe that that can happen.

Tamara: 26:55

Yeah. I was I was gonna say, do you have like a final comment that a takeaway that you want people to leave with? Is that would you say that is it or is there like more? Um as you were saying it, it felt like that.

LaShawn: 27:08

Well, you know, I feel, let's see. Oh wow. Uh one of my favorite quotes is to let love be your guide. That would be one. And you know, to really know yourself. Uh, there's another one of my favorite quotes by Lao Tzu, which is to know others is wisdom, but to know yourself is enlightenment. So I really encourage everyone, get to know yourself. I know when people think about relationships, they're always focusing on getting to know the other person. Really get to know yourself, stand in that power, and then get to know your partner and really share who you truly are with them.

Tamara: 27:49

Yes, sound advice. All right. Well, thank you very much. And if you love this episode, be sure to tell your friends about it and rate it as well. And thank you again, LaShawn, for being on.

LaShawn: 27:59

Thank you so much for having me, Tamara. All right, thanks everyone. Bye.

Outro: 28:04

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