Affairs, Healing, And Self-Worth #120

We sit with Nikki Corbett to explore why she ended an affair she still cared about, how that choice led to The Scarlet Edit, and what it takes to rebuild self-worth without carrying shame. We unpack attraction, situationships, gendered needs, and the power of clear boundaries.

• starting a focused show to tackle affairs, divorces, and dating dynamics
• ending a relationship you love to choose self-respect
• emotional needs, appreciation, and reigniting attraction
• why affairs fascinate us and what we rarely discuss
• the hidden cost of situationships and hookup culture
• boundaries, patterns, and dating with intention
• polyamory, swinging, jealousy, and consent
• coaching women toward confidence and standards
• where to find Nikki’s work and community

If you love this show or this episode, be sure to tell your friends about it and rate it as well 

Chapters

• 0:00 Meet Nikki Corbett And The Scarlet Edit
• 1:37 Why End One Show And Start Another
• 3:29 Owning The “Other Woman” Story
• 5:25 Attraction, Affairs, And Reigniting Desire
• 7:28 Self-Discovery And A Man-Free Reset
• 9:56 Ending A Relationship You Still Love
• 12:15 Why Affairs Fascinate And Hurt
• 15:12 Emotional Needs, Gender Differences, Respect
• 18:32 Boundaries, Patterns, And Self-Worth Coaching
• 22:04 Situationships, Hookup Culture, And Pain
• 24:33 Polyamory, Swinging, And Jealousy

Transcript

Intro: 0:00

Welcome to the Straight from the Source of Mouth podcast, where I talk about sex and dating.

Tamara: 0:06

Hello, Tamara here. Welcome to the show. Today's guest is Nikki Corbett, our podcast host, relationship coach, speaker, and judgment-free zone facilitator. And we'll be talking about all of that. Thanks for joining me, Nikki. Yeah, thank you so much for having me. I appreciate it. Always good to have new perspectives about um relationships. And then of course, I like your the topic of your podcast. So if you want to just start right there, um, either how you started it or what it is.

Nikki: 0:36

Yeah, sure. So um my podcast is called The Scarlet Edit, and we talk about divorces, affairs, situationships, you know, all sorts of things that happen within relationships, whether, you know, some of some of the bad stuff, some of the things that aren't talked about so much. Um I've been podcasting for about three years, although this is my second show. So this show is new. It's only been out for two months. Um and I got, I decided to sunset my prior show and start this new one because I loved my old show. Um I felt the topic was too broad. And so at the same time, I was thinking about, you know, what is it that I really want to put back out into the world? How do I want to help people? Um, what do I have to give? And I got to thinking a lot about my relationship history and how that has played such a significant role in the woman that I am today. Um and I also, you know, I have my my relationship history isn't, isn't the kind of cookie cutter, like fairy tale, storybook that some people's are. Um and one piece of that is that I was involved in an affair with a married man, and I was the I was the other woman. And I, you know, realized that like that plays that played a huge role in my life. And I grew a lot during that relationship. I changed a lot, I I ended that relationship, and I've grown even more and turned into someone who I absolutely love and I'm very happy with the woman that I am. Um, so it kind of just all unfolded. I was going through a process called the brand edit. It's a program that my business coach actually puts on. And I was building a website and kind of trying to structure my coaching and how I wanted that to look, what I wanted that to look like. Um and then all of a sudden, I just one day I was like, you know what? I need to completely change the podcast. And I'm gonna just not even rebrand it, just stop one and start a new one. So I started the Scarlet Edit. I kicked it off sharing my own story about the affair. And since then, I've had some wonderful guests come on um talking about an emotional, emotionally abusive relationship, talking about dating uh in midlife. Um, and just last week I had a men's coach come on and he shared a lot of light onto the topic of you know staying staying attracted to or reigniting the attraction to your partner. And I felt that that really went hand in hand with the topic of affairs because you know, a lot of times people end up going down a path and they're no longer attracted to their partner, and then it can be easier to find you know that attraction with someone else. So yeah. So my podcast is a lot of fun. I really am enjoying it.

Tamara: 3:37

Yeah. And I we talked right before this that I said that you know, I've had similar things where I've done the same thing. And when they've done it, they usually say it's because you know the part their partner's not having sex with them. So at least or at least that's what they say. Who knows if that's the truth of why they're suddenly straying, but that's what I've heard generally is that um, I don't know, and I and I've healed a lot from my own podcast. Like as I interview people, I learn and all kinds of stuff from it. And I actually went on a six-month like man-free quarter. I called it a quarter because originally it's gonna be um three months, but ended up doing the six months. And yeah, because all the people staring stuff, I was like, Oh, yeah, I don't want to do that, or oh, I didn't realize that and learn so much about myself. But I definitely was doing a lot of the same similar things you share about in your show.

Nikki: 4:26

So Yeah, no, that's wonderful. It's always so good. I think the better that we can get to know ourselves, just the better, the better we are in general, the better we are at work, the better we are with as a as a friend, as a sibling, as a child, as a parent, as a you know, partner, whatever it may be. I think the more we can spend time getting to know ourselves and like and allowing ourselves to become the person that we want to be, I I think the better for everyone.

Tamara: 4:55

Yeah. And you said that you ended it, did it, but and you said you learned a lot. So anything you more you want to share about like how how hard or easy it was to end it and why, or like what was the kind of like final straw?

Nikki: 5:09

Oh gosh. Well, you know, I mean, I didn't end it because there was no longer love. I mean, I certainly still loved him. And I think that anybody who's ever left anyone that they love, regardless of the circumstances, can relate to that feeling of leaving a person that you love, whether, you know, you know, it's when you just know that it's time to move on. And ultimately that's where I got. I got to a point where I wanted more for myself, for my life, for the relationship that I was putting time and energy and effort into. And it just it, you know, it's funny because it wasn't like anything that I had planned. It wasn't a conversation. I woke up that day, you know, nervous that I was going to have. It just kind of all happened over the course of a conversation later that day. And I was finally just like, okay, then I can't do this anymore. And I meant it. So yeah.

Tamara: 6:02

Yeah, I was just gonna, I don't know why I feel like sharing this, but my the first time I did it, he we met at work and not like directly at work, but in a building like nearby. And he said he was getting a divorce, you know. So that was like we went to lunch and finally he said, Oh, I'm married, but I'm getting a divorce. So I kept I, you know, wouldn't sleep with him until like I'm like, where are the divorce papers? Like so, yeah, they it's they have all kinds of stories, but um, but yeah, we are back to like learning and worrying about ourselves.

Nikki: 6:31

So no, no. I mean, it's totally okay to to to share. I think that you know, every relationship is different. And I think that's why, especially on the subject of affairs, like things are you know, so many people it makes the topic itself just makes people uncomfortable. And um, you know, if you if you have been affected by it, I think it makes you even more uncomfortable. And but every single relationship is different, and and there are some people who would never admit to to having an affair, yet they want to like pay attention to what's going on with other people. Um, so I think that, you know, one of one of the things that I've learned from my show and putting this out there is that there's a lot of intrigue around affairs, and and I think that number one, it's like I just said, every relationship is different. But number two, I think that because affairs are so secretive, oftentimes people don't hear about an affair until somebody got caught. And then the focus is usually about like the the act and the fact that they did it, and less about the why or how it was on the inside or any of the inner working. So I think that that's where there's a lot of curiosity from people is like, okay, well, like why did you do that? Why did you do this? And did you know that he was married from the beginning? And if you did, like what made you continue? And if you didn't, like what made you continue once you found out? And so, and then even I think even people have a hard time wrapping their their minds around that affairs can be very real relationships. Like a lot of times people think they're just about sex, and a lot of times they're not.

Tamara: 8:10

Yeah, I mean, yeah, that was my experience too.

Nikki: 8:14

Yeah, I mean, there's so many people who end up like having an emotional, emotional affairs, or and there's a reason for that because you know, I think men are often, I don't know what the right word is, but it's like it's like almost like we expect men like not to have feelings and not to like be vulnerable, but or to not to need to feel like words of affirmation or to be told like, hey, I appreciate you, but like that's totally not true. They do need those things, and I think that that's why emotional affairs are prevalent because you know, men want to be made to feel appreciated and cared about and loved just as much as women. Maybe it's different, but it still is the same types of feelings.

Tamara: 8:56

Yeah, I've actually been following a few Instagram, um, I don't even know which call them channels, but Instagram people. And they have that that's a big topic that I've been very paid attention to because men do uh need all that stuff and this and they lose interest because of not getting those things respect and admiration and appreciation and all that and feeling criticized and knocked and all that stuff. So uh definitely that's the way to go if you want to keep that. And uh I know it's not true. I mean, obviously if there's a reason to break up or whatever, but it just um yeah, and there are a lot of differences between men and women that most people don't understand either. Like I mean, everyone knows obviously we're different, but like in communication and all that kind of stuff. You know I don't know if you've heard of Queen's Code. I've had an episode on that.

Nikki: 9:43

No, I haven't.

Tamara: 9:44

It's kind of like you know, just appreciating it's a lot of this stuff, appreciating a man and letting them kind of provide and be a leader, you know, the masculinity, femininity energy thing. Uh-huh. But but yeah.

Nikki: 9:56

No, I think that that's hugely important. And I think, you know, unfortunately, we've kind of like strayed away from some of those like, I guess, traditional gender roles, if you will, with you know, this like, you know, boss babe and and empowerment and all that, which I think is great. I mean, I mean, I love being able to provide for myself and do all those things, but I do like some of the more traditional gender roles and letting a man be a man and open the door and bring flowers and lead and do different things. It's not meaning I'm gonna not speak up, but I think it's just like letting him. I don't like I don't want to be the one that's in charge of everything, you know.

Tamara: 10:35

Yeah. Yeah, you can actually relax and let them take charge. And and if you respect them enough. Like I have a friend who never in a million years would have done that. And of course, well, and it's interesting that her, the man she was able to do it with is married, but he's said he hasn't had sex in 10 years with his spouse is staying together for the kid and money. I don't know how true that is, but um for once she let him lead and you know, because she respected him enough and just wanted to just release and let someone else take care of that for the first time. So yeah, it definitely wasn't just physical for them. Yeah. But I know you also coach, so is this uh do you coach uh people that have had affairs or just in general coaching for like self-worth or like which which just yeah, so I would my coaching is more along the lines of, you know, I look back at what the the journey that I went on post-ending the uh the relationship that I was in.

Nikki: 11:31

And I took a lot of time to get to know myself, to heal myself, to let myself like feel all of the feelings, but then to really be honest with myself and look in the mirror and kind of say, like, okay, what things am I doing wrong? And I don't know if I don't know if wrong is really the right thing, but what things am I doing that are not getting me where I want to be? I think that's the better way to put it, right? Because, you know, there's that whole saying it's like, what's the definition of insanity doing the same thing over again and expecting different results? Um, now I'm not saying like I've had multiple affairs because I haven't. I've only had this one experience with this man who was married. Um, but that being said, I can look back on my prior, you know, long-term relationships and see some similarities in either how I behaved or the characteristics that the man had. And so it caused me to really take a look at, okay, like maybe I do need to set some boundaries. Maybe I've I've thought I've had boundaries, maybe I've thought I've wanted certain things, but if I haven't acted that way, and if I haven't, you know, respected myself to that level, how am I ever going to get those? So I think that that's like really important, um, especially as women, because I think sometimes too, when women, when we want a relationship and we really, really want one, I think sometimes we can overlook things when we're dating or or go into the dates more like hoping that he is going to like me instead of really seeing him for who he is and deciding, you know, do I like him? Is he gonna fit with my lifestyle? Is he gonna add value? Are we gonna get along? Do we have really core things in common that will make for a successful long-term relationship? So I am not perfect by any means. I think I'm still definitely a work in progress, but I think I've come a really far way. And as I have seen other people in similar situations, I have helped them. And so that's the type of coaching that I do is to, you know, give women like this, these tools to get to a point where they're like really valuing themselves and really comfortable and confident in who they are and what they bring to the table. And also, you know, when you have a relationship that fails, whether, and I don't even really like using the word fails because I don't think it's a failure. I think that when you have a relationship that ends, regardless of the type of relationship or how it ends. Maybe it's a divorce, maybe it's a long-term relationship, or maybe you've been together 10 years and it ends. Maybe you were the other woman in an affair. Maybe you cheated on your spouse and then you got divorced because you couldn't make it work after the fact. I think that women, especially, I mean, I know men do too, but I think women more so, we carry this shame. And society expects us to feel badly for making some of these decisions, or we're, you know, we're scarred in a way. The reason I named my show The Scarlet Edit is it's kind of like a play on Nathaniel Hawthorne's book, The Scarlet Letter. And I use the word edit because I want to like release that shame and edit out that shame. Um, I don't think that just because, and this goes for women and men, I just I don't think that just because you made a decision on your path in life that maybe wasn't the best decision, or maybe isn't a decision that this version of you would not make again. I don't believe that we're meant to carry that shame for the rest of our lives. I believe that we can still go out and have the life that we want, find the love that we want, and live the live in a way that we're really proud of. And I mean, I know that that's where I am, and so I want, I believe that everybody deserves that.

Tamara: 15:53

Yeah, yeah, definitely. Yeah, I mean, that's yeah, you can't have the good without the bad, someone said recently to me. So, like, yeah, and you have to, you don't know what's right if you don't do like the wrong, like we were saying, not like exactly wrong or fail, but yeah, you have to figure out the hard way, what works best. So, we're all human and we all do that. So, why do you think the hookup culture, situationship culture is so prevalent and like how does it negatively impact oh gosh, you know, it's so funny because like I I the whole situationship world, right?

Nikki: 16:30

I think it used to be called like friends with benefits, you know, and then it like morphed into situationship, and now it's like there's so many people who are you know involved in these things, and then they get so messy and so sticky. And I mean, I feel like I've I have felt pain from a situationship ending that I have never felt before. And I was just like, whoa, like that really hurt in a different way. And and so I did a lot of you know, inward looking inward on like why did that hurt so badly? And I think that I mean, I can only speak for myself and how I am. I think at the end of the day, I'm not cut out for those types of relationships. I mean, you know, when we are intimate with somebody, our bodies release all these hormones, and it's very easy, especially as women, for us to get attached to somebody that we're sexually sexually active with. Um, so I think it's very, very hard to actually be like, oh yeah, like I don't, I don't, I would never date him or I wouldn't, or I don't even like him, you know, I'm just having sex with him. So unfortunately, I think that, you know, just like the internet and dating apps definitely have played a role in kind of more of the hookup culture and people, you know, because you're you've got your phone in your hand and it's like, oh, okay, well, if she's not answering, like who's next? Who's next? Who's next? And kind of people always looking for the next best thing instead of putting effort into what's right in front of them. Um, so I don't know, I don't know if the tide is gonna turn and if we're gonna see some of this stuff, you know, shift in a way, but I don't know, it's interesting because like on my show, I I recorded an episode, it hasn't come out yet, but it um with a man who practices polyamory. And so that was an interesting conversation, just learning more about what that means to him and also acknowledging that it means, you know, can mean different things to different people. Um, but just knowing, you know, that there are a lot of people out in the world who, you know, feel that it's or who live in a way where they're you know intimate with multiple partners and have these different types of lives that are you know very non-traditional. So I don't know. I don't know if the hookup culture is gonna stick around or how it's gonna morph.

Tamara: 18:48

Yeah, I was gonna say, because I know the matchmaking is becoming a bigger thing. Um, people are just sick of the apps, and and women can go on there for free. They just in the database, and then they usually men pay for the services. So that's one way to I actually got matched. I was in a database for like for like 10 years and they reached out. I was like, happened to be newly single again. So I had a couple dates. Yeah, so I mean it definitely can work. And I was gonna say too, I I um interviewed the accidental swingers. I don't know if you're familiar with them.

Nikki: 19:18

Oh, I am, but I haven't uh gone got too deep into them.

Tamara: 19:23

Yeah, so they they were married for 25 years and then opened their relationship and wow yeah, and they love it, and they they have a whole podcast by they recorded themselves as they were like heading to different events, and then they eventually put it into a podcast. So they just record themselves like on their phones or whatever. Wow. I have lots of lifestyle type people on my show too.

Nikki: 19:45

So oh cool. I'll have to check that one out. But I'm so I'm so intrigued. I I I have definitely learned over the course of my life that I can't say make the you know, those that bold statement, like, oh well, if it were if I were in that, if I if that was me, here's what I would do, because I have absolutely no idea what I would do. But I tend to think that I would have a hard time knowing my partner was you know having sex with someone else. But who knows, maybe maybe with the right man. Maybe I wouldn't. I don't know.

Tamara: 20:17

Yeah. I actually went out with someone who studied with polyamorous, so and I actually it was it wasn't maybe not the first term, but I really understood what it meant and I was like, you know, that sounds really good actually. But it all it also like you said, it sounds better when you're the one doing it, not necessarily them. Like it's I don't know. To me, it's yeah, the jealousy thing. But he we I thought we were both doing it, but apparently only I was, and he was we I would say, like, oh, I'm busy this weekend, or he was busy that weekend, but I assumed he was with someone else and he wasn't ever. So I think it was just more of an avoidant thing for him to say he was in one. Oh my gosh. You wouldn't feel too attached, but I don't know, it's interesting for sure.

Nikki: 20:54

Yeah, I went out on a date one just one with a man who was in a long-term relationship, but he said that she was more into women than she was into men, but they had like a really great relationship. So he was, you know, very open with her about dating other women. And I was kind of like, okay, like I was getting ready to like have a major life change. So I was kind of like, I wasn't really focused on dating, but I mean, he was handsome and he was enjoyable to talk to. So I was like, well, we can go to dinner, you know. I'm not, I wasn't really expecting, I wasn't dating with intention, I guess if you will. And but ultimately what I realized at the end of that date was that he well, I mean, I'm I I assume he enjoyed our conversation and our dinner. Ultimately, he just wanted to have sex with me. And I was like, okay, well, no, like that's not like what I what I'm about. So yeah. So there was no more effort on his part after he realized he wasn't going to get to stay over. So yeah.

Tamara: 21:52

Yeah. Yeah, they definitely can be smooth like that, acting like they want one thing when you know darn well. But yeah, so um, I know you said you're a coach as well. Do you want to talk about how to work with you as a coach?

Nikki: 22:07

Yeah, sure. So um I have a website, it's just very easy. It's just nikki-corbett.com. Um, so I can give that to you if you want to put it in the show notes. And there's a form to fill out on my website. And then another fun thing that I am doing with the podcast is building a community over on Patreon. It still is very much in its infancy stage, but um I am, you know, gonna be offering coaching through that portal as well. And, you know, getting to know the members as we as we slowly grow and you know, do some cool things in that space as well.

Tamara: 22:46

Okay. Well, thank you very much. And um, is there any like final comments or takeaways you want to leave? Seems like a good spot.

Nikki: 22:54

Yeah, well, I mean, I just want to tell anyone listening, you know, if you've if you are curious about any of the topics that I said I discuss on my podcast, I would absolutely love if you could come over and take a listen. I'm on YouTube, Apple, Spotify, Amazon, and a few other random places. But um, always love the interaction. I've got an Instagram as well where I do a lot of like polls and Q ⁇ A's and try to get some questions from followers for different for different guests that I'm getting ready to have on. So it's been a lot of fun and I really appreciate everyone taking interest. And thank you so much for inviting me to come on your show.

Tamara: 23:35

Yeah. I enjoy the topic too, obviously, since I have experience with it. But yeah, I I I usually don't even talk about it either. Like you said, like everyone's ashamed and everyone's worried they're being judged. And I used to do stand-up comedy and I called myself the Queen of TMI, so I pretty much

Nikki: 23:50

Oh I love that.

Tamara: 23:51

I don't have much filters, so I'm like, yeah, I'll say it. Wonderful. I mean definitely more people do it than admit to it. So yeah. Good on you for bringing it out. Thank you. All right. Well, thank you again. And if you love this show or this episode, be sure to tell your friends about it and rate it as well. And thank you again. All right. Bye everyone.

Nikki: 24:14

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