Alluring energy, Flirting and Finding Love #131

Dating can make smart, capable people feel weirdly powerless. One minute you’re hopeful, the next you’re stuck in the texting spiral, overanalyzing every message, and wondering why the spark never turns into something real. I sit down with dating coach Alana McKenzie Page to talk about what actually changes your results, and why “trying harder” often backfires when it’s coming from anxiety and overthinking. 

Alana shares how she went from feeling ignored and mismatched for years to building a relationship that felt easy, connected, and genuinely fun. We dig into the idea that dating success is not a personality trait. Flirting, communication, and emotional presence are skills you can learn, whether you need simple tools or deeper support after heartbreak. We also explore her body-based approach from her book The Art of Feminine Seduction, including why getting out of your head and back into your body can help you create chemistry, attraction, and intimacy that lasts beyond a couple of exciting dates. 

You’ll also hear practical flirting tips for real life and online dating, why specific compliments beat “Hi how are you,” and a thoughtful take on the dating ick: when it’s a true incompatibility and when it might be a cue to check your own boundaries or emotional availability. If you’re tired of dating apps, craving real connection, and curious about “alluring energy” through a tantric and Taoist lens, this conversation will give you a clearer path forward. Subscribe, share this with a friend who’s burnt out on dating, and leave a review so more people can find the show.

Transcript

Welcome And Guest Introduction

Tamara 0:00

Hello, Tamara here. Welcome to the show. Today's guest is Alana McKenzie Page. She's a dating coach guiding you to access your alluring energy and create the love of your dreams. Thanks for joining me, Alana.

Alana 0:10

Thanks for having me, Tamara. Glad to be here.

Tamara 0:14

Yes, I'm eager to listen to what you have to share. Um, dating and alluring energy and all that stuff, attracting people, I assume.

Alana 0:22

Oh, yes, that's what I do. Help people figure out how to find uh an effective way to show up in dating so that they're finding the relationship that they want to be in.

Tamara 0:35

Yeah, that is very helpful to yeah, like approach it in a way that you attract what you're looking for.

Alana 0:42

And a struggle these days.

Tamara 0:45

Yeah, everyone is hating the apps nowadays.

Alana 0:48

Yes.

Tamara 0:48

Yeah. So we can either start with how you got started in this or just kind of keep going with what we already started talking about, whichever direction you want to go in how it works.

From Longterm Single To Married

Alana 0:59

Yeah, how I started can lead very naturally into how it works. Um, so I got started with my own journey of not finding love, of really struggling to find relationship for over a decade and feeling really bad about that. Just like I got to this place where I was like, there's something wrong with me, right? Like there's there's a problem with me. And what I discovered was that there the the wrongness that I believed I was experiencing was just the way that I was showing up to find a relationship. Um, and so I shifted that, you know, I it's like I didn't have to change myself, I didn't have to change what I look like, I didn't have to change my personality. I just had to shift some of the words that I used when I when I went to on a first date and some of the topics that I talked about when I met people online. Um, and that like immediately led to a totally new relationship experience for me. Um and then uh a couple of years later I met my husband and now have gotten married and I'm building a life in relationship, which if you'd told me that like 10 years ago, that like that that was that would be happening right now would would have seemed a little bit incredible because like I just I could not make it work at that time. So I had a very extreme transformation from you know being someone who was like I would get asked out maybe like twice a year or something, you know, like it would be like and I and I was in college or whatever when my assumption was like that was the prime time for getting asked out, and you know, there there was lots of dating happening. Um, and it just wasn't, it was not the case for me. Uh and so um to experience the shift from being someone who really didn't get any attention, didn't uh didn't feel like I had a chance at finding a really great relationship to being someone who did was very exciting for me. And now I share that with other people because it turns out a lot of people are struggling. Like a lot of people, they don't feel attractive and they don't feel like they get very much opportunity to go out with people, or when they do meet someone, it doesn't go very well. Um, people are struggling in their marriages, in their long-term relationships, and there's just a lot of difficulty for people right now on Earth to relate to each other in romantic ways that feel really good.

Tamara 3:40

Yeah. And I did want to ask when you said it wasn't going well, did you have like, I know you said you only got asked out a couple times a year, but did you when you did you only get first dates as well, or did they go past like a first or second date back when you were in the struggle, the struggle phase?

Alana 3:54

I mean, first did I want to go on that first date? Often no. Often no, right. Um, you know, it there it was just a big mismatch for me. It was like I was not getting attention from people that I wanted to get attention from, or we would go on like a first date, but it would be weird. Or, you know, then maybe like I would sort of casually date someone for a month, or maybe two, or you know, three. But I was experiencing that thing that is very common these days where it's like, okay, you go on the first date, it's really exciting, and then like you have a second date and you think it's good, but then it just like starts to the communication lessons. It's turns out, you know, you're not falling in love, right? It's like turns out the communication is stilted, you're not you're not having fun and texting and getting the that's why I just really call it very specifically like alluring energy. Like there's not romance building, there's not exciting like chemistry happening. Um, you know, people are are not experiencing, and I was definitely not experiencing the kind of fun element of dating, right? Like the fun of getting to know someone new and flirting and um feeling attracted and attractive and um having all of that vitality stirred up in me, which is what love is supposed to do for us, right? Like sexual attraction is supposed to be something that feeds you and makes you feel really um alive. And I was I was not getting that. So yeah. And you know, I hear I hear about a lot of people not getting that these days. So yeah.

Tamara 5:41

Yeah. So let's go back to where where you help them to find the stuff they want. Yeah. And how do you are you a coach one-on-one group coaching, or how do you approach the I do both.

Alana 5:54

So um I teach classes for groups, so that kind of the skills of relationship can you can learn the skills of relationship. Like this is another thing that I was not aware of is like there are skills to dating and communicating and uh flirting and all of those things that can be learned. Like it's not actually just a natural, you know, ability that you have or don't, right? Because I kind of assume that it's like you're either fun and attractive or not. No, you can learn the skills. So for people who just have kind of a skills gap, we could say, I teach classes so that they can fill in those gaps and you know become a master dater, we could say. Um, and then for people who need a little bit more support, like a little deeper kind of, you know, I would say like for me, right? Who I'd been single for over a decade, and it was like there's something going on here, right? That's deeper than just like, you know, you don't flirt very naturally. Um those people often need a little bit more support. Um, or they want more support, you know, like they they really want some personal guidance, like really some personal guidance on uh navigating the modern dating world, which can be full of pitholes, pitfalls. So, you know. Um yeah, so I I do a mix of both. It really depends on what the person's looking for. Um, and the the difference is usually that whether it's a skills issue or whether it's more of like a personal thing, you know, some people are still healing past heartbreaks, and that's getting in the way of them, you know, feeling that alluring energy and getting excited about someone new. And then uh other people are uh kind of afraid, you know, because of a past heartbreak. And so those people often need a little bit more support to to fully, you know, relax into the good parts of finding new love.

Tamara 7:55

Yeah, no, that's awesome that you help people in that way. And you also have a book, I understand.

Alana 8:01

Yeah, I wrote a book for women, dating men, uh called The Art of Feminine Seduction. So that's a you know kind of a fun, alluring title in itself. Um, but the goal of that is to help women relax more into their femininity, into their bodies, into um the parts of themselves that are effective in relationship, we could say, um, because most of us, not just women, are walking around pretty disconnected from our bodies. And it's very hard to fall in love if you are don't feel your body. Um, and you know, we live pretty stressful lives these days, and there's a lot of emphasis on thinking, thinking, thinking. Many people are struggling with anxiety, which is a very head-based kind of mental uh mental way of approaching the world. And when you bring that energy to dating, it is not very effective. Um, so if, you know, the the point of the book is to really teach women how to date using their bodies effectively, um, both physically, I mean, because your body's an important element of finding partnership and um especially having sex and all of that, uh, getting connected back to yourself is like is very key. Um, but then also kind of moving away from this head focus. There's a lot of strategizing, we could say, that people feel is helping them to date better, but it's actually making them date worse. And when you can reconnect to yourself and your body and kind of draw energy away from your head and your brain and your thinking, you actually become much more effective at connecting, which is what real love is about. Real connection is about being connected, it's not about like what do I text him in order to get him to want me more, right? Like that's actually not an effective way to date.

Tamara 10:07

So at least you can have a few more dates, maybe, but then like you said, it wouldn't last, or you're there's no actual connection.

Alana 10:32

Exactly. Exactly. And so people are, you know, finding themselves feeling all of these weird things, and it's because they actually didn't pay enough attention to the connection to each other. And they're too focused on, you know, how do I get this to happen or how do I get that to happen, rather than really just looking at the person, connecting to themselves and connecting to the person. And that's what people are craving. Like people crave connection.

unknown 11:00

Yeah.

Simple Flirting That Builds Chemistry

Alana 11:00

And that's why people date is because they want to be in connection. They want to be in relationship to another person. And we've somehow put the focus on like, how do I make this person do something, right? Like, how do I make this person talk to me right now? How do I make this person ask me out for the weekend? How do I, you know, make this person want to spend their life with me? Um, and what what we actually want and what other people want from dating is to be in connection and to be loved. And so when you move into that space with yourself and then with the other person, you first of all have way more fun. Right. Like that's why I uh the two years before I met my husband when I had switched how I dated, I was having a great time. Like just because I wasn't meeting the one or whatever. Um, and and I was traveling a lot, so there were a lot of reasons that didn't happen anyway. But you know, I was having a great time. Um, and then when I met my husband, it was very easy and natural to just be in connection with him and you know, move into relationship together because other things aligned like our values and our life goals. And so I really I just like I'm here to advocate for like we need to get back into this deep connection rather than being uh being in this strategizing headspace. So the book is like a how-to guide for for doing that, right? And it's got exercises and it's got reflection piece, and it's told through my story. So it's also um not just like cut and dry, like do this, do that, do this. I, you know, I have a hard time reading like self-help books that are that are like that, like they're just too fluffy. I don't know. I find them too fluffy. Um, so it's you know, it's it's a really like a point-by-point guide for how to get back to that place with yourself and then bring that into dating and relationship.

Tamara 13:03

Okay, and you talked earlier about flirting too. I imagine that is helpful for this. Uh what is someone that's terrible at flirting or doesn't really know what they're doing, what's like something, a few easy things they can do to flirt on a date or even meeting?

The Ick And What It Means

Alana 13:18

Yeah. So I like to soften the definition of flirting as a starting point because people I think get up in their head about like flirting being really uh, you know, like this very specific kind of uh romantic and and kind of overwhelming thing. So the definition I like to scale it back to is just expressing interest in another person. And so again, you can probably see how that's like a very important skill for connecting. Um if you use flirtation as an indication of interest, all it is is giving a compliment, for example, right? Or telling someone something you noticed about them. And it's a little bit less uh high pressure, you know, like you don't have to be like the most romantic and like over the top, like really like, oh, like I'm you know, there's a change in people's voice that happens sometimes when they're like trying to flirt really hard. But if that's not comfortable for you, don't do that, right? Like that's not that's not gonna be effective for you as a as a human who's who's trying to find a relationship. So what in where you want to go instead is just to okay, flirtation for me is an expression of interest in another person. And you can do that all kinds of ways. So in person, what I recommend, especially for men, because uh you don't want to come on strong sexually, even accidentally, when you are a male uh out in the wild in person. And I would also say on dating apps, personally, that is what I I never recommend that to the men that I work with that they go sexual on dating apps. Like, don't do it. Wait, wait in person, wait till you feel a little bit more. Um, so instead, you might want to call attention to their uh the surroundings. So you you want to draw them into the person that you're talking to into a common experience, right? So if you're out at a bar, you could make a comment about the bartender. Or if you're at a concert, you can make a comment about the light show, right? Like whatever, whatever something that you're both witnessing or experiencing, you want to just, you know, kind of like bring the conversation there in a really fun light way, right? Like that's the other part about flirting. Um, and also important is to not have expectations. So there is no goal in flirting. And that's again another reason why it's so effective for as a connection tool, as just like a pure connection tool, because there should be no goal. There should be no intention beyond just saying something nice to another person. Because when you get that expectation in there, first of all, you've set yourself up for disappointment if it doesn't go anywhere. And that's hard. Like, that's the actual hard part about dating is the rejection and stuff that people are are really worried about. So if you go in with like, this is not for the goal of getting a phone number or the goal of getting a date or the goal of you know having this turn out to be my life partner, you're just talking to someone, you're just expressing interest in them. And then from there, you know, if the conversation takes off or not, you find out. Um in the online dating space, so that's in person, right? In person, I recommend, you know, talk about some something going on around you, or you can say something really nice, a compliment for sure, but that can be that can feel a little bit harder. Um but online I definitely recommend compliments. So you want to tell the person that you're connecting with why you feel they might be an interesting person to go on a date with, right? Like I think we for some reason we don't really think about that very much. But when you meet someone online, you should tell them why you thought their profile was interesting, right? Why you think they're they're uh an attractive person, why you would even want to spend an hour or you know, to getting to know them at a restaurant or getting coffee or you know, whatever you like to do as a first date. Like we we we aren't doing that enough. We need to be telling people in the online space why they're attractive. Um, and again, not in a sexual way, just you know, like, wow, you have really attractive eyes or you have really interesting uh experience doing something, you know, whatever they talked about on their profile, you want to draw attention to that to indicate that you actually read the profile and then to also open up the conversation from a place of I'm interested in who you are. And that usually will create a much better conversation and much more energy in the connection than you know, people who say, Hi, how are you? For example.

Tamara 18:28

Yeah, yeah, I agree with everything you just said, and I'm sure most experts do. Yeah. So what is dating ick? Yeah, the dating ick.

Alana 18:38

Um, that is a fairly common experience for people. It's definitely something that was a huge part of my early dating experience. And it's just it's turn off, right? Where, you know, at any point in a conversation or a date or you know, the getting to know someone phase, you just feel like, ugh, it's not this. Like, this isn't what I want. This person isn't it. Like uh I associate kind of like a visceral experience with it, like the ick, you know, like your your stomach kind of like contracts, or your heart is just like crumpling, um, or you're like, oh, I don't like this. Um, and it indicates a couple things. Um, first of all, it can indicate like there's something about the way that person communicates, or the way that they uh have hygiene or not, right? Or the way that they um think about the world, the way that they relate to themselves and the world, that just makes you uncomfortable. And your experience of disconnect and non-attraction to them in that moment is is like an indication that, like, mm-hmm, that's not so good. So sometimes that is just an indication that that's not going to be a relationship that works for you, right? It's like that's an incompatibility. Like that person, they don't work for you. Um, and then other times what it can indicate is a little bit of emotional unavailability in yourself. Um, and so in that case, it's good to slow down, take a breath, you know, kind of do some self-inquiry. You know, it's like if it's not that this person doesn't have hygiene and like you can't live with that, right? It's like maybe there's something else going on for you emotionally, where something that they said reminded you of your ex. And that is actually what's going on for you, is that you are a little bit afraid that something could happen, like what happened with your ex, or that, you know, um you're you're just experiencing of like a flashback of something, you know, from your your childhood or your past relationships that feels like this could be a bad thing. Like this could this could lead to something not good for me. Um, or like too much attention. That's a big ick for a lot of people, is like, oh, I'm getting like too much attention. This person feels needy. So that's maybe a good place to look, right? Um, because that's very common. So, and I definitely had that as well. It's like, oh, this person like needs a lot of my time and attention. Like, I don't feel good about that. So it's like, yeah, sometimes that person is a little bit too much, right? Sometimes it's true that that person's a little bit too much. And sometimes it's also the case that if we communicated boundaries and we communicated our own needs, we wouldn't be feeling that ick. Does that make sense?

Tamara 21:57

Yeah, I'm there was a Netflix show a while ago where she had the ick, but then she was able to overcome it because it was more like an internal thing. I can't remember the show, but it was super popular at the time. So yeah.

Alana 22:07

Yeah. I I think it's it came up in a in a couple shows in the past like five ish years that it's definitely like entered the media. Yeah. Um And yeah, and and for the reason I think that it is such a common experience for people, like it's definitely quite it's quite um if you if you were out dating, like you are probably going to get the ick at least once or twice.

unknown 22:32

Yeah.

Tamara 22:32

Yeah, I remember one time uh the guy's wrist and watch like looked like my dad's, and I was like, nope. Oh like I just yeah, I was like, no, I can't. And he was like, what? And he was very interested. I was just like, no, like I'm sorry. Yeah, it's not gonna work. Maybe it was partly me too with the uh unavailability, but at the time it definitely felt like it was him. Yeah, yeah.

How To Find Alana’s Work

Alana 22:56

Well, and that's the that's the thing, I guess, is it's there's like a balance, right? Because it's it usually is both, right? Like it's usually both and of like, yeah, you know, you do like it's not like his wrist is gonna change, you know, like later in life. Um, but you know, also like could you still date a man whose wrist resembles your father? Yeah, probably. But also, you don't have to, right? Like, like there isn't a right answer, right? That that's the that's kind of the the complexity here is like there isn't a right answer of like if you just work on yourself more, you would like this person, right? Like that's that's not also not how it works.

Tamara 23:39

So yeah. Do you want to talk about how people can work with you or how they can find you or like your social media?

Sexual Energy And Feeling Safe

Alana 23:46

Yeah, sure. Uh my I'm not currently doing social media. So yeah, I am I I just wasn't having fun on there, and I'm I'm really about fun. So if you if you are gonna work with me, you'll find out like I don't I don't want people to be dragging themselves through life, and I really don't want them to be dragging themselves through dating, like doing things that aren't fun. So I finally realized like I'm not having a great time on social media, I got off it. But you can still find me at sovereign dating.com. And I am like on YouTube and on Instagram and on Facebook. So if you want to go check out my older stuff, I'm definitely there. But the best place to find me and to contact me is sovereign dating.com, and you can find my events there and my offerings there, my courses there, and reach out to work with me as well. So uh, and if lots of free content too, which also I love the free content. So uh that's definitely worth checking out. Uh I have a course on flirtation, for example, and um lots of lots of podcast episodes that I've done that have been more targeted about uh various aspects of dating, whether that's online dating or communication for becoming a more alluring person or um or finding, you know, the one using using my energetic techniques.

unknown 25:13

Okay.

Tamara 25:13

Well, since you just brought up a couple of those, do you want to talk more about the alluring energy? I know we talked a little bit about flirtation. Is that pretty much is flirtation in addition to other things, or is it just doing flirtation well? Or showing well.

Hope For Love And Closing

Alana 25:28

Yeah, I would say the flirtation is the communication aspect of it. Um, I work with through like a tantric and a Taoist lens, uh, with actual like sexual energy. So that's where the feminine part of my book comes in, right? Feminine, it's feminine sexual energy from Taoist and Tantric and you know, some Western esoteric uh philosophies. So the idea there is that people have energy running through their bodies, and that we all have sexual energies running through our bodies. We have we we we all all people have both masculine and feminine sexual energy running through our bodies. But when we go to attract someone, or when we want to feel our own attractiveness and attractedness to someone else, like when we want to fall in love, right? Or we can just say that. When we want to fall in love, it helps if we can connect to our own sense of our own sexuality. Um, and so many of us have shut that down. I'll just put it like I'll just put it like that. Like a lot of us have shut that down. We learned that it was dirty, we learned that it was unsafe, we learned that it was not comfortable and not valued by society. And so it's just gotten a little bit suppressed for a lot of people. And so if you're not attracting attention, like sexual attention, right? Like that was the case for me, like when I say it wasn't actually getting asked out by people who were, I found very interesting, because my sexual energy was turned off, right? It was just like turned down. And then the men who did ask me out, which many of them were probably totally, totally fine, decent men, but I would get the ick about them. Um, and and then I just wouldn't wouldn't say yes, right. I wouldn't pursue it. I would not feel interest, I wouldn't even feel attractiveness. And so if that's the case for you, and these are the people I work with one-on-one, um, you you need to heal some of that often, right? So it's about unlocking that the flow of your sexual energy um and and allowing yourself to feel, first of all, your own sexuality and then feel comfortable enough with someone else's to really allow them to be that close to you, right? Like that's why we call it intimacy. Emotional and sexual intimacy, you is very vulnerable. Like allowing someone to be that close to you takes a lot of courage if you are shut down or you don't feel safe doing it. So um, so yeah, it's kind of it's like this esoteric energy principle that that you know you train your body to feel more comfortable um being being that intimate with yourself and others.

Tamara 28:26

Okay. So that was a great explanation and intrigue people to go to your site or can we get your book.

Alana 28:32

So yeah, there's a lot more to know.

Tamara 28:35

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Touching on it. Yeah.

Alana 28:38

So do you want to share just like a final comment or quick or final thoughts and then yeah, I think, you know, uh the message I get from from readers of my book is often like it gave me hope again. And I that's that's uh I think a note that I would want to leave everyone on is like there's hope for you, like no matter what's happened. Again, like, you know, I was the poster child for singleness. Um, and and now I've have a really amazing relationship. And I think there's there's kind of this yes-no message out there right now of like you're meant for relationship, or you're not meant for relationship, or like some people really just have an easy time finding relationship, and other people really struggle. And I think there's someone for everyone. I'll just say that. Like, there is someone for everyone, and it's possible to become the person who easily finds your person and then has an incredible connection and relationship going forward. And right now is actually an exciting time to be looking for relationship because there are so many more options in terms of how you find someone, in terms of where you find someone. And you know, it's possible. I just it's like it's just it's possible for you to find love.

Tamara 30:04

Awesome. Yeah, it's a great place to leave it. It is possible. All right, well, thank you very much for being on. And if you love this episode, be sure to tell your friends about it and rate it as well. And thank you again, Alana. Thank you, Tamra. All right, thanks everyone. Bye. Frank's off! Frank saw sex and dating educates.