Write A Relationship Mission Statement And Live It #134

You can be a confident problem-solver at work and still feel lost the moment a hard conversation starts at home. That gap is exactly where Dr. Robin Buckley lives as a clinical psychologist turned executive coach and couples coach. We sit down with her to explore why a proactive coaching model can feel so relieving for couples who are tired of replaying the past and ready to build something better in the present.

We dig into her business-inspired relationship framework from her book, Marriage Incorporated: The Boardroom Blueprint To A Lasting Love, starting with a surprisingly powerful tool. We also talk about common stress points that derail partnerships, including finances, caregiving and parenting, and making time for intimacy beyond sex, with practical ways to reduce blow-ups and prevent “surprise” conflicts.

Then we zoom out to mental wellness and peak performance using cognitive behavioral strategies and bite-size neuroscience. You’ll hear simple, real-world tactics to talk back to fear, choose a better story, and create communication systems that fit different styles, including agendas, shared docs, and structured check-ins. Subscribe, share this with a friend who needs it, and leave a review so more people can find the show.

Transcript

Welcome And Guest Introduction

Intro 0:00

Welcome to the Straight from the Source's Mouth podcast. Frank talk about sex and dating.

Tamara 0:05

Hello, Tamra here. Welcome to the show. Today's guest is Dr. Robin Buckley. She's an executive coach and couples coach. Thanks for joining me, Dr. Robin. Oh, thanks for having me, Tamra. Yes, I think I've had quite a few coaches, but everyone has a different ex uh different perspective. And you're you being an executive coach in addition to couples coach combination. And you also mentioned that your education, training, and expertise.

Dr. Robin Buckley 0:31

So my background, actually, my PhD is in clinical psych, and while I really enjoy psychology, what I didn't like was the intervention model. And so coaching allows me to approach helping executives or couples from that proactive and intentional perspective. We work on the present and guide how couples or executives want their future to be. So it's really a lovely dovetailing of my education as well as my training as a coach. And it's helped me work with couples and then more recently put out a book around the framework of how I help couples.

Why Coaching Beats Digging Up The Past

Tamara 1:06

Okay. And we can either jump right to the book or we can talk about the framework or however you want to go next. You're the host. I'll do whatever you want. I'm comfortable with either. Yeah. Um, I mean, I guess you can talk about like how you came to know that this was like the best strategy, or you already said you prefer coaching to the psychology side of it, but say more about that maybe.

Dr. Robin Buckley 1:28

Yeah. So when I work with couples, you know, one of the things that I often heard was that they had tried couples therapy and it was painful or it wasn't effective because it was diving into issues from the past that that at some level were relevant because we can't change the past. What we can fix or change is the present to in order to create the future we want. And when I was working with the executives, particularly executive uh women, you know, they'd come in and eventually they'd talk about their committed relationships and they would talk about conflict. And I'd say, okay, well, how do you deal with conflict at work? And they'd say, oh, no, no, no, that's different. Or they would talk about talking with the teams at work. And I'd say, well, how do you organize those meetings? Oh, no, no, no, that's different than at home. And my question started being, why? Why is it so different? If you're good at that at work, if you know the tools, if you have the strategies to make it work in a professional environment, why couldn't we just generalize that to our home life? And so I began pushing my executive clients in that direction of what could you use from your work life and implement it in your home life to enhance your relationship? And when I saw it happening from an individual perspective and then started applying it to couples, regardless of whether they're in a business environment. I mean, I worked with teachers, I worked with uh emergency first responders. It doesn't matter because the strategies in the book aren't, you don't need an MBA to figure them out. They're basic concepts that most of us know and understand, and how we can use them in our most important partnership, which is our relationship.

Tamara 3:07

Yeah, yeah, it's definitely a struggle. And I know I had another episode where he he discovered the same thing, you know, people are because he was like coaching for like a strategy like poker or something, and they would be in their heads worrying about a relationship instead of you know focusing on the game at hand. So yeah. So yeah, so what did you see that helped her for the framework that you came up with or talk about your book?

Dr. Robin Buckley 3:29

Yeah, so so the business framework is looking at a relationship as we would uh a business that we want to succeed. And as an example, one of the first things I always ask couples is, okay, well, tell me how do you understand a mission statement? Why are mission statements important? And if most people can tell me why a mission statement is important for a business, that it keeps, you know, the people within the business unified, that they're working in the same direction, that it clarifies the values of the business. And so usually after they tell me all the stuff they know very proudly, they're all excited because they know the answer. And I'd say, okay, so what's your relationship business uh mission statement? And they look at me and I'd hear crickets. And I said, for I'd say 99% of my couples, they just wouldn't have one. And I'd ask why? Because if those same benefits that happen in business could occur if we create a relationship mission statement, why don't we? And so that becomes the platform or the foundation for the relationship so that we can then apply some of the other strategies and use that mission statement as the grounding um experience for them. When things get a little difficult or when things get uncomfortable, they can go back to their mission statement and say, okay, wait a minute, why are we here? What is really important to us? And that becomes a place for them to realign and reconnect, and then the work can move forward in a really productive way.

Tamara 4:58

Yeah, yeah, I've definitely experienced that. I have a similar thing, like we call it the constitution. And when we're when we're fighting, we go back, and I was like, oh, we haven't been doing any of this.

Dr. Robin Buckley 5:09

Right. That's exactly it. That and I love that word, constitution. When I've had couples who have created who have done this, um, when the couples I work with do this, it does, it becomes a dynamic tool. It's not just something that you frame on your wall, which I don't know if any of my couples actually do that, but they put it on their phones or they put it on a post-it on their computer so they get a daily reminder of what is, what are we about? And in those moments, like you mentioned, Tamara, that become tense or difficult, they can revisit it so that it becomes that reminder of wait a minute, if is how we're talking to each other supportive and reflective of the mission statement? Probably not. Are these decisions we're making independently or collectively supportive of the mission statement? Probably not. And if it's a probably not, okay, then what needs to change? Is it the mission statement? Because now you're so different or you're in a different place in life, which could happen, or is it more likely that your current choices are not aligned with what you established as the foundation for your relationship?

Mission Statements As A Couple Compass

Tamara 6:12

Yeah, yeah, definitely. And so does the book step through, step people through that?

Dr. Robin Buckley 6:18

Yeah. Yeah, the book is a compilation of my, you know, 10 to 15 years of work building on this model and finally getting it all in one location so that people can go through, you know, I'm a firm advocate that people learn in different ways. Sometimes they want to work one-on-one with someone in a very face-to-face interpersonal way. Sometimes they just want to read it in the comfort of their own home. And then in addition to that, sometimes they want to work on it. And so there's a workbook that's also associated with the book that if couples really want to work on it together in a very um tactile way, they can do that. But it allows couples to decide, you know, it's not a book that you have to go from beginning to end in just a linear way. If a couple's having uh issues in terms of finances, they can flip to that chapter and really dive into that first. If it's, you know, that they are having uh difficulty managing the internal stakeholders, which would be children or pets or care or other people they care uh do caregiving with, they can go to that chapter. So it becomes a personalized approach to what strategies they want to implement right away, and then maybe some other strategies that they want to get to later on.

Tamara 7:29

Okay.

Dr. Robin Buckley 7:29

And what's the name of the book so people can find it? Uh it's merit, it's marriage incorporated, the boardroom blueprint to a lasting love.

The Book And Pick Your Chapter

Tamara 7:37

I like it. Good title. And I know you're also a speaker. Do you talk to this as well? And I do.

Dr. Robin Buckley 7:46

There's there's about three kind of overarching categories that I speak to. One is certainly around this model of a business framework. But going back to my original background in psychology, I do a lot of work with companies and teams around mental wellness in the workplace. And it's not just to make sure people aren't burning out, although that's a huge topic, it's also to make sure that they're functioning at their very best. And how our brains often get in the way of our ideal and optimal functioning. So I help people learn cognitive behavioral strategies so that they're coming from the perspective of their brain being an ally rather than an adversary. And the beauty of it is that again, as I'm teaching people this in business, we can also apply cognitive behavioral strategies like that in our relationships. How is our brain getting in the way of having the conversation with our spouse or our significant other? How is our brain getting in the way of having a firm hold on trust in our relationship? Our brains are just jerks when it comes to making us really see clearly sometimes. And so helping people understand that from a stage allows me to in a broader way reach a lot more of people who want that kind of support. And within that kind of category, I also do a lot of speaking around women's equity and how women specifically can build their equity and build their power once they understand how their brains are functioning, because we know women much more so than men deal with imposter syndrome. Women much more than men deal with anxiety. And these are all experiences, emotional experiences that are coming from our brain, that are coming from our amygdala and creating that self-doubt or that uncertainty. And once you begin to understand how you can contribute to controlling that part of the brain, so your rational part of the brain actually functions, then it becomes a very powerful approach.

Tamara 9:52

Yeah. And it might sound, I don't know. I feel like I've never really felt imposter syndrome. I'm sure obviously there's, you know, some women are not as much, but is there is it because like my personality, I and TJ, I don't know if the if Myers Bright is more men are like that. So is it possible that my brain is somehow different and that's why I haven't had it? Or is it more of I'm also a military veteran, maybe I was like used to the succeeding anyways, or like having overconfidence. I don't know.

Dr. Robin Buckley 10:21

I do think our experiences and our background can shape how we view or interact with the world, Tamara. I I think that um whether it's successes or failures, traumas or moments of excelling, I think all of that plays a role in how we react or respond to the world. And when it comes to actual, I mean, certainly we know that in male and female brains, there are there are structural differences. And we haven't connected any of that too, specifically around imposter syndrome. But my when I've talked with women and worked with women, certainly women take on a lot of things in their life and very often blame themselves for the failures and attribute all the successes to everyone else instead of realizing that it's both. And, you know, and whether it's failures, yeah, sometimes you contribute, but it's other things too, and success is the same thing. So are there exceptions to the rule? Absolutely, 100%. But when it comes to learning how to manage it, it isn't just for people who deal with imposter syndrome, for example, because the strategies work to truly get you to that heightened level of performance, the the ideal level of performance that a person wants. Yeah.

Tamara 11:38

I mean, I was still curious to hear about it, imposter syndrome specifically and how the brain, how to overcome it for women, especially.

Simple CBT Tools To Calm Fear

Dr. Robin Buckley 12:03

Yeah. When you know, the first step to me, understanding any psychological phenomenon or even just how we we perform, how we behave, is understanding the brain. And the two key parts to learn and and remember around imposter syndrome are the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex. And some people in your audience may have heard of these, or what I usually get from my clients is like, yeah, I've heard the term, but I don't remember what it's about. So as a quick neuroscience lesson, the amygdala is our most primitive part of our brain. It's been in existence since we were first swimming little organisms. And the amazing part about it is it hasn't evolved much. So when we were living in caves thousands and thousands of years ago, our amygdala created that sense of uncertainty or fear around fire because we didn't know how to control it and it could kill us. Or the dark, because there might be a lion out there that would kill us. So our amygdala has not evolved enough to realize that we don't we don't have to fear fire anymore if we use it safely. And there's no lions outside our door, typically, but it still reacts that way. And it creates the same anxiety, fear, uncertainty, self-doubt, imposter syndrome to get us to avoid uncertain or unfamiliar scenarios. That's a problem. When we get up in front of a crowd of people to do a presentation, we don't need our amygdala telling us we're gonna suck or we're gonna forget our script or they're gonna laugh at us. That's not necessary because we're not gonna die up there, but it still functions that way. And the worst part about the amygdala, in my opinion, is it when it's fully engaged, it shuts down the prefrontal cortex. Now, the prefrontal cortex is our strategic, logical, rational, data-driven part of our brain. And this is the part of our brain that creates our optimal level of functioning. So if we don't learn how to engage our prefrontal cortex, our amygdala is just going to run around in our brain like a toddler on caffeine. So employing strategies that engage the prefrontal cortex then shuts down the amygdala, which means it shuts down the imposter syndrome or the anxiety. But we're taught in society that emotions just happen. We can't do anything about it, we just have to deal with it. And in my world, that's BS. We can control our emotions. And one thing I love when people challenge me, and sometimes clients or people I meet will say, Well, so what? We're just supposed to be happy all the time. And I'm like, oh heck no, I am not here to tell you to live in a world of rainbows and rare unicorns all the time. Like, if you want to, great, I can teach you how to do that. But we can feel sad, angry, frustrated, irritated for as long as we want. But when we decide we don't want to feel that way anymore, when we decide we don't want to experience imposter syndrome anymore, that's not serving us, we can change it. And it's learning these types of cognitive behavioral strategies that get us to do that. So our emotional experience becomes something that we actually can control, can manage, but it doesn't mean we always have to be happy. When my first German Shepherd died, I was sad. I was horribly sad. I had never had a pet. She was my first pet as an adult. I was devastated. And when my husband said, who has somewhere training than me, he's like, you know, you don't have to be sad. Like he got to a place of appreciation and celebrating her life super quickly. And I whirled on him and I said, I want to be sad all weekend long. Sad all weekend. He's like, Okay, if that's your choice, I'll do whatever you need. And I said, Thank you. And he would give me my warm fuzzy blanket and he would get me whatever I needed to hydrate because I was crying so much. And I was sad for three days and I wanted that. But when I was done feeling that, then I did all the strategies I teach my clients to get my emotions to a place that I could function, a place that I wanted to function at. So we can we can manage our emotions. It's just when we want to.

Tamara 16:15

Yeah. And I know it's easier said than done, but of course, I know. Yeah, when you're in the thick of it. But so what are some strategies to like stop yourself when you're pretty darn sure you want to stop, but you can't.

Dr. Robin Buckley 16:28

Yeah. So one of the first things it and all the strategies I talk about with clients, Tamara, are ridiculously simple. I tell them all the time, like, be prepared. These are gonna be, you're gonna be like, where why did this woman go and get her PhD? These are not mind-blowing. The strategies aren't hard, it's doing them in a consistent way so that they become a habit. That's what's hard. Because it's really easy to fall back on how we've always experienced emotion. And one of the first strategies I suggest to clients is simply to talk back to your amygdala. So when you notice, and that the the awareness is part of it, when you actually notice that your amygdala is saying, What if you screw up? What if they realize you shouldn't have this job? What if you know people think you're just they're laughing behind your back? Most people just let our amygdala our amygdala ruminate and run like an ongoing, just continuous record. We don't stop it, we don't talk back. And easy analogy is if you ever heard someone talking to like the amygdala to your person you love most in this world, you would shut it down. You'd be like, no, don't talk to them that way. That's not true. And I'm gonna show you and give you proof of why what you're saying is a loadable. But we don't do that for ourselves, and that's where it starts. So your amygdala is telling you all these what if worst case scenarios, you get to actually engage your prefrontal cortex in the dialogue. You know, so your amygdala says, What if you mess up? And you get to say, what if I'm amazing and I nail it? What if they laugh at you? What if the group is totally supportive because that I know these people? You know, what if they what if they think you shouldn't be in this job? What if they recognize my skill and expertise? Because we don't know the future, we can't predict how anything's gonna go. And so when we are had letting our amygdala do the worst case scenario, why not let our prefrontal cortex offer the best case scenario? Because it could be equally possible either one of those will happen or something in the middle. But by letting our amygdala run the dialogue, all we hear is the worst case. And that becomes our perspective and our belief system. So simply talking back, getting used to talking back is really important. One of my clients, uh, she was a she was a boss babe by far, and she was CEO of her company, so she could get away with doing what she did in public spaces. But she decided the way she said, you know, Robin, sometimes I'm running to meeting to meeting to meeting, I don't have time to have a full-on dialogue. So I came up with a way to talk to my amygdala, and I said, Awesome, what is it? So I will try and do the clean version uh for your podcast, Tamara. But she would say, F you, amygdala, I don't have time for your Fs right now. So she would just push back in a very assertive way. And she would say, Sometimes I'll be in the elevator going to a meeting, and I say it, and there are people in the elevator, and they probably think I'm crazy, but I'm the CEO, so it doesn't matter. So she would just flat out in a way that that she just would not tolerate it. And it became that became almost her mantra where she didn't even have to go through the the questions because that shut it down quickly for her. So pretty pretty amazing.

Tamara 19:54

Yeah, that is cool. And was she CEO before after she did that?

Dr. Robin Buckley 19:59

She was CEO before, but she was a better CEO after.

Tamara 20:03

Yeah, makes sense. Do you want to talk about how people can work with you and how to reach you?

Better Communication For Different Styles

Dr. Robin Buckley 20:10

Absolutely. So the easiest way is my website, dr robinbuckley,alloneword.com. And uh because of the book launch, God help me, I am on eight different platforms on social media. So I'm on TikTok, Instagram, and LinkedIn is the easy ones, and then some others sprinkled in there, but same same moniker, Dr. Robin Buckley. And those snippets allow me to give really quick ways to look at your relationship or your life that are built on cognitive behavioral strategies and business.

Tamara 20:40

Okay. I do have one question. If if you have, I must I'm guessing you've probably worked with people with like avoidant versus attack, you know, anxious attachment, because that's usually how it ends up. How do you get someone to talk more if if they're the type that doesn't talk as much? Is that even something you would work on? I guess obviously a couple coach, like why wouldn't you?

Caregiving Intimacy And Money Conflicts

Dr. Robin Buckley 21:02

Yeah, absolutely. So what it comes down to, and it's funny, I just wrote an article similar to this, is about communication and what works for communication. And I know that there are some people, including me, that I like to sit and talk. I like the face-to-face, I like to have that dialogue. And there are some people who resist it or are uncomfortable with it. And if we were at work, again, we would not in we wouldn't push someone to to communicate in a way that was ineffective for them. I mean, we could, but it's probably not gonna go very well. So it's having an easy some questions. What would work for you? Would it be better if we did a Google Docs where we're just writing things back and forth to each other? Would it be better if we just communicate on text message? The one that works well for a lot of people with dissimilar communication styles is they meet once a week or once a month to sit and review topics and they create an agenda. So there's no blind sides. There's no, oh yeah, this other thing, because we wouldn't do that in business. I mean, we could, but again, we've all sat in those meetings and we're like, why is Dave bringing up this thing? It wasn't even on the agenda. It's annoying. And it does feel like you're being ambushed. So when you have an agenda, it creates that safe space of knowing ahead of time, okay, these this is what we're gonna cover. And if anything else comes up, we can make a second agenda for a different meeting later on. But it's just asking the question, what will I wanna connect with you? I want to communicate with you. What is the most comfortable way for us to do that and negotiate? You know, sometimes it's could I talk for like 10 minutes and then we'll take a break and you can go respond on writing. I've seen couples create some really creative ways to get the communication they want and the alignment, but it not necessarily being only one way. And most people think of communication in a relationship as face-to-face verbal communication is the best. And I'm like, it's not the best. It's the best for certain people, but not everybody. So having that creativity and that flexibility around the ultimate goal, which is we just want to connect and be aligned. And then how do we do that? That becomes that becomes secondary to the overall goal.

Tamara 23:20

Yeah, no, I love that. Yeah, that really I can see where that would work. Yeah, thank you. Are there any other like common things that are the issues between couples? I know probably communication in general, but like a few that you've helped.

Dr. Robin Buckley 23:35

Yeah, communication is big. Um, certainly if there are what I call internal stakeholders, because when we talk about internal stakeholders, it again triggers the prefrontal cortex rather than kids, pets, or elderly relatives. That's emotional and that makes it harder to have conversations. The misalignment in caregiving or parenting, that's significant uh with a lot of couples. How they're going to manage that, what works for them as a couple, and then how to sustain their connection when they're trying to caretake for everybody else. So that's a big piece of that. And when you think about that, it also incorporates when do we have time for each other? When do we make time to build our intimacy and reminding couples that there are five different types of intimacy because when we say intimacy, most people think sex, and I'm like, hmm, that's physical intimacy, and then there's four others. So it's it's helping couples really create strategies for all the areas of their life. But I would, I would, I would say that caretaking comes up a lot, um, maybe even close to communication when it comes to couples.

Tamara 24:39

Yeah, I would think finances would be one as well. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Is there a is there a financial intimacy?

Final Takeaways And Wrap Up

Dr. Robin Buckley 24:45

Is that a thing, or is it more financial communication and how to actually have an effective plan that both partners contribute to creating and then that both partners can commit to? Um, and that's a whole chapter in my book because it is it is so significant, you know, especially when you have disparities in how people view money, whether it's money for fun or money for, you know, for for stability. Is it money for now or money for the future? And how to really reconcile that so that there aren't the big blow-ups or again, the the surprises that are not fun.

Tamara 25:23

Okay. Well, I think this is a good time, if you do, the like a final thoughts, closing comments kind of thing.

Dr. Robin Buckley 25:30

Yeah. Overall, what I hope people understand is that their career, their relationships, their individual life really can be what they want it to be. It doesn't mean it's going to be perfect, doesn't mean it's gonna go smoothly, but we can create what we want. It does take two things, a preventative approach and intentional approach. So preventative in that we're not waiting for things to happen, we're constructing it ahead of time. We're looking and analyzing to avoid any issues, and then intentional. We are in a in a deliberate and dedicated way making the smaller big steps to achieve what we want in those areas of our life.

Tamara 26:13

Okay, all right. Well, thank you very much. And awesome. Thanks, Tamara. This was great. And I say if you love this episode, be sure to tell your friends about it and rate it as well, and of course, follow the show. All right, well, thank you again, Dr. Robin. Thank you so much, Tara. Alrighty, thanks, everyone. Bye. Frank Talk! Frank Talk! Sex and Dating Educate.