The Security Method For Dating with Paul Roseberry #137

Dating gets exhausting when you feel like you’re auditioning for approval. I sit down with Paul Roseberry, a relationship coach, matchmaker, and stand-up comic, to talk about a simpler foundation that makes everything clearer: security. Not fake confidence, not pick-up tactics, not pretending you don’t care. Real relationship security, where interest is mutual, respect stays intact, and both people can relax into something healthy.

We dig into why “too nice” can backfire when it’s really fear in a friendly disguise, and how that dynamic can turn into people-pleasing, resentment, or control. Paul shares the coaching moments that pushed him to formalize what he calls the Security Method, including how small communication shifts (especially over texting) can change the tone from needy to grounded without being cold or manipulative. We also talk about masculinity in a modern way that’s steady and attractive without being performative, plus the role encouragement and compliments play in keeping a relationship balanced.

If you want practical dating advice you can use tonight, Paul walks us through “the fives” exercise. Then we land on one of my favorite takeaways: “flip the interview” so you stop chasing and start choosing with intention. Subscribe, share this with a friend who’s stuck, and leave a review if it helps. What’s one place you want more security in your relationships?

Transcript

Welcome And Meet Paul

Intro 0:00

Welcome to the Straight from the Source of Mouth podcast. Frank talk about sex and dating.

Tamara 0:05

Hello, Tamra here. Welcome to the show. Today's guest is Paul Roseberry, a relationship coach and matchmaker by day and stand-up comic by night. Thanks for joining me, Paul.

Paul Roseberry 0:16

Thank you so much for having me, Tamara. I'm excited to be here.

Tamara 0:20

Yes, I am too. And I think it's cool that you do stand-up. So um and I you'll have you yeah, people should search for you for that too.

Paul Roseberry 0:28

Yeah, I do both. I um I I I think it helps with the relationship coaching because I can bring levity to a otherwise kind of heavy, not so fun situation sometimes, um, or topic for that matter. Um, and I think humor is a great way to actually get information to stick, if you will. Yeah. If you have a little bit of fun with it.

Tamara 0:53

Yeah, I could definitely see that. All right. But you're is it, would you say your that's your first love and this is your second, or they are they even or you know, they're kind of they're kind of even.

Paul Roseberry 1:05

It's like it's like they're both my babies, kinda. Um, you know, like the comedy comedy I enjoy because I like to unwind life. I like to destroy, I mean, they're they're they're really both de-stressors in a sense, but with comedy, it's just to kind of keep things loose and just point at new ways to laugh about life. Like uh, you know, I'm a comic, I've kind of a dark perspective on a lot of things, but that just makes it more fun to shine light at times. Um and then with the coaching, it's just far more applicable. Similarly, it it's all about expanding thoughts to really figure out why is something happening, you know. If something, you know, kind of both are based on discomfort, you know. Yeah, so when something uncomfortable happens, I like to really break up and figure out why, why, why, why. And then sometimes you find a core thread where you're like, oh, well, if we work on that, then we don't have to feel uncomfortable again.

Comedy As A Coaching Tool

Tamara 2:10

Yeah, is is your stand-up a lot of relationship stuff as well?

Paul Roseberry 2:14

I I I include some. Like my new special, I'm recording a special on Saturday, and it's called We're Not the Same, because my stuff is for the people who are gonna enjoy it. You know, it's not it's not for everybody. It's uh it's I would think most people could enjoy it, but it's I it's for those who are willing to think. You've got to think a little bit, you know. Like I really enjoy thinking.

Tamara 2:36

Alrighty. Well, since this is mostly about sex and dating and relationships, let's jump back into that part. And um, I know you are doing uh have a security method. Do you want to talk about how you got to it or how you got started in coaching or wherever you want to start?

Paul Roseberry 2:51

You know, all right, so I guess we could give a little plat a little foreground um on me. So yeah, I grew, I got into coaching because I I learned everything the hard way. It's the easiest way to put it. Uh, it wasn't that I just hung back and was like, oh, this is so easy. Everyone should just know how to do relationships. No. Um very wrong for a long time at the beginning. Uh I was uh, I would say I was I was a fat kid growing up. I know I guess now you're supposed to say large or I don't know, like uh fabrically challenged or something, but I was a big boy. Uh we were broke, so I had like holes in my sneakers and stuff when I was in elementary school. Um I was I uh I was vegetarian, which in the 80s, I'm 46. So in the 80s to be vegetarian, and it wasn't my choice. It was it wasn't like my idea. Like my parents were just kind of hippies and were like, oh, we shouldn't have to hurt animals to live. So I didn't eat meat until I was 12. And just to ice the cake, I also stuttered. So that was fun. So you live in like a bad neighborhood and you're fat and you stutter and you're broke with holes in your shoes, and you don't eat meat, you're you're gonna get beat up. Yeah.

Tamara 4:10

Especially as a guy, huh?

Paul Roseberry 4:11

I'm bullied. Totally. Yeah. So, you know, you carry that into your teenage years, you know. You kind of still feel that even if you, you know, I started to lose some weight, I you know, I got, you know, better haircut, whatever. Uh, but I still felt like that fat kid from the neighborhood, you know. So I didn't realize that I hadn't shaken that on some level. Yeah, I guess I didn't realize it. It just I didn't I didn't even think to shake it really. Um serious. So dating was really hard. You know, like I would go talk to girls who, you know, probably would have wanted to go out with me, but then I still kind of thought in my head that I was that kid. And so I made it weird. You know, I'd like it was just really insecure, nervous. Um so from there, you know, like I'm from a small town in New Hampshire. So that means that like everyone through high school kind of has known everyone forever. So you're not gonna like be new tomorrow because you got a new shirt, you know, or you get a new haircut, so you're like a fresh new guy no one's heard of. If you feel like everyone still knows you as the kid from third grade, you know, so do they kinda. Um so I when I got to college, which I snuck in, I actually didn't get accepted to college, so I just went because I just wanted to go to parties. Uh so I went to college, kind of that's for another day. But anyway, um, I just decided like here's a place with thousands of people, a lot of tons of girls who've never met me before. I'm who I am today. That's it. That's what I am. I'm who's in front of them right now, and I'm gonna try to be that too. Um and so I just went for the numbers approach, you know. I just would talk to any girl. I was very talkative always. I got talkative most talkative in high school. So I wouldn't say I had no problem talking to new people, but I was kind of inclined to it. But it was still scary. And, you know,

Growing Up Insecure And Bullied

Paul Roseberry 6:00

so I'd push myself and just whether I asked for a phone number or not, not necessarily, but just to go spark conversation with somebody new. And I tried to get really good at that. And then once I got better at asking at talking to people, then uh, and even just like my jobs, I would buy groceries at the grocery stores, a cashier at the grocery stores, a waiter. I'd get jobs where you have to talk to people. Um, then I get more comfortable with that. And as time went on, then you ask girls out, then you get phone numbers, and then some don't call you back, and then some do. Go on a first date, some don't want to see you again, and then some do. You know, so like I would crash and burn so much that uh I was just determined. I'm like, I I I want a girlfriend. I gotta figure this out. So then all through my 20s, I really just dated. I didn't know how to keep a relationship. Um it was frustrating, of course. You know, I wanted to, but then in my 30s, then I started to get into relationships, and uh, it was at that point where I had amassed so much internal note-taking as to how I got to be able to get into a relationship that um one day I was working in my real estate office in New York, in Manhattan, and it was a big open office with a ton of people, and there was this one buddy of mine who he was all bummed out. And I said, What happened? He said, I got dumped, whatever. And I said, All right. And I knew him, he's a good dude. I kind of had a feeling what he had done wrong. Nothing terrible. And uh, and I met the girl once or twice. So I was like, All right, you you want her back? And he's like, What yeah, what do you mean? And I was like, all right, let's go outside. So I take his phone and I just start texting her. And I I would write what I was gonna send, but I wouldn't send it until he said it's okay. So then I send. In about 20 minutes, they were back together. They were going to dinner that night at PF Chang's next to his apartment. And uh he's like, dude, what are you telling you? And she was excited, you know? And he's like, What'd you do? I said, you need to read every text we sent and figure out if you are or are not this guy, you know. Like you're sitting here nodding like it works. So, and it's not complicated, it's just communication and just a little bit of balance, you know. Um, he's like, All right, great. I don't know how long they lasted. It wasn't so long, but they were back together. Uh, you know, and it gave him a start as to what to work on. And then before I knew it, I would have uh I had a client who came through. Girl broke up with him right on like Christmas Eve or something. Ah, he was broken. And uh he was so upset. I met him at a bar to talk about it. And I said, All right, I I'm gonna help you out. It's gonna be fine. That one took about a week and a half, and we were texting. So what I would do is I would text him what to say to this girl in quotes, and then underneath that, but why? And if he wants to send it, go ahead and send it. So after about a week and a half, this girl went from not wanting to see him. She wanted him to drop off her clothes when she wasn't there. Like she doesn't even want to see him ever. Again, because he was a super nice guy. He was just too nice that she was over it. To then, after these texts, she posted a picture of them on Instagram saying uh how lucky she was to have a second, a second chance and hashtag new beginnings. And, you know, I again, these are buddies of mine who I got to know, and I was like, look, you've got to understand what we've been talking about. These sex are for a reason. Um, so anyway, like kind of from there, it just like people started to realize, oh my God, like Paul can help people. And uh, and it was only positive things. I'm not telling them to be someone they're not or somebody who'd be rude to the girl. The girls loved it. Um and then, yeah, literally one day my wife and I we were uh, you know, in a store in the East Village, like a retail spot with a glass front, and a guy came running in and was like, Hey, I heard you can help me with girls. And I was like, Are you kidding me? Like, what are you talking? Like, what is going on? And so uh in time, I said, All right, you know, and my wife pushed me because she was like, Look, we have a great relationship. You really do help people. Men and women both need it. Get out there, go do it. So I started to spread the word, yeah, I'm available, you know, you can hire me. And um then I really what I wanted to get into um was I wanted to kind of test my theories in mass. Uh, you know, so that's why I became a matchmaker. And I worked for two of the largest matchmaking companies in the US. And it gave me super high volume to talk to people about their relationships, their relationship goals, what hasn't worked for them, what do they want in their next one, you know, and to observe, not only ask them, but also observe them so I could see what they didn't see. You know, I'd listen to what they're omitting, what what they're doing wrong, that I could kind of shape them if they're open to it. Um, and I was excited that my theories really held up. They really uh, you know, because I'm a flexible guy. I I I I want to have good information for people. Um, I don't want to just talk to talk. I I want it to work. And uh so it really um it it really has has held up. And so I feel really excited about what I'm putting together uh with the security method. And, you know, I for a guy who doesn't read a ton, I listen to a ton of lectures on YouTube, and you know, I mean, I love learning, but I don't like to read a book per se. But I think I have to write a book now. So it's like here we go, like uncharted territories.

Tamara 11:33

Yeah, but it's good you didn't you weren't trying to like prove your point or be right. You were trying to see if what you thought worked and then you were willing to change it if needed, but you didn't have to, yeah.

Paul Roseberry 11:44

Yeah, I mean there's always some adjustment. Yeah, you know, I'm not gonna say I've got like you know the golden ratio over here, but I mean, kinda, you know, like because I I'm a real I'm really into least common denominator. I want to make something so universally basic that whether your name is Jeff or your name is Joe, and you know, you live in Nebraska or you live in uh, you know, I don't know, Germany, like this will be a way to look at your relationship and ask yourself if these things are happening or not. You know, is are you staying on this path? And uh it if you're having troubles, you probably have not, you know. Uh you you've you've probably strayed from this path. So yeah, I like to keep it universal as best we can.

Tamara 12:32

Okay. So do you want to talk about what is the security method now?

Paul Roseberry 12:35

Or secret. I don't tell anybody. I'm gonna die with it in my clutches. Uh no, yeah. So what the security method is, it's um I really feel that a core fundamental of relationships is security. We have to feel the investment is mutual, the interest is mutual. Uh, you know, we're we're talking about letting our guards down. Um when it I'll I'll I'll tell you where it came to me from. So I noticed uh I'll say I really like to help guys, especially. And I do that somewhat out of efficiency because I feel that right now guys are really struggling. Guys, I think, you know, uh men and women, if if they're not in a relationship, then both are struggling. But I I think the men, I think,

Learning Dating Through Reps

Paul Roseberry 13:30

especially in our culture and society today, uh are missing how to be comfortable in their masculinity, how to embrace it, and how to deliver it in a way that feels exciting and uh hot to the girl, you know. Um so what I've noticed then is that if guys aren't understanding their masculinity, they're not feeling comfortable stepping into it, then what they're doing, usually a lot of times, they're being too nice. And too nice is yuck. It's a turn, right? I mean, you're a woman. Uh I'm sure you've met a guy here and there.

Tamara 14:11

Yeah, I had I told a friend years ago that, you know, he was just like it was just too like too nice and too boring and like too pushover and yeah, do all the you lose respect. Yeah.

Paul Roseberry 14:22

Tamara, that's literally like you couldn't have said it cleaner. That was those are the best words. Like it's it's exactly, and and so ultimately if you string those words together, it you know, like like when you said a pushover, see, I believe that to put it in like a cave sense, one aspect of security, having a value in a relationship. We're all still sort of cave people, a little bit. You know what I mean? We have iPhones, but we still are a little bit cave people. We like meet on a fire, you know what I mean? Like we're kind of still there. Uh so I believe, often subconscious, if not even consciously, women know, okay, if I get in a relationship with this guy, things go well. At some point, we're gonna have a baby. Probably just, you know, that's that's that's kind of the general gist. I mean, some people choose not to have kids, whatever. I generally speaking, that's what's going on. So part of you has to say, well, uh, when I'm pregnant, I can't go fighting the tiger, can't do it. You know, and uh, I don't know if you could when you weren't pregnant, but it's certainly not when you are. So you have to feel that the guy who's not gonna be pregnant when you are and is fully able-bodied, can go and fight the tiger for him and for you. He's you've got to be able to get that sensation. That's security, that's protection. That's that's the security kind of ethos right there. If a woman feels like that guy's got that, you can probably start to relax and have more fun. You know, it's not the end-all be all. It's not, but and there are many aspects of security, but that's just an example of one avenue where things can start to relax. Likewise, if a woman doesn't feel that this guy has the ability to take the wheel when she's overwhelmed, because even if we're not talking about people in a cave, if you're overwhelmed, he's gonna be able to take over sometimes. Likewise, her for him. But if she doesn't feel like he can, then she goes, Oh well, if we're gonna continue this, then I have to be the man and the woman. That's what's gonna have to happen now. And I notice you nod your head. I know it's yeah.

Tamara 16:35

I mean, I've heard this so much from women. We just and then but we want men to step up, but then we also nag them or critique them, so of course then they're less inclined to want to do it in the future. But so it's on both of us.

Paul Roseberry 16:47

So well, and and I like that you said that because it, you know, one thing I you know, I I just an hour ago, I was I was on on another pod with a guy who, you know, he was asking a great question. How do you flip things? You know, because I coach men and women. I I I get the most passionate about men because I see the greatest opportunity for growth. I see leaps and bounds of very little work of huge gains, uh, which is exciting. But for women as well, I think you nailed it. Uh, I offer that women consider how often do you compliment the guy? Because I've noticed, and I and you don't want to do it disingenuously, you know, if you're not impressed by a guy, don't be with him. You gotta be turned on. But sometimes women will, in my experience, uh as a self-security mechanism, will try not to engage in things of like encouragement with a guy, because it appears to me that uh if if someone's self-esteem is low, and men and women both suffer tremendously, but if if a woman's self-esteem is low and she goes and gives a guy a compliment, then he might be like, Oh yeah, I am awesome now that you mention it, I'm cooler than you, I'm out of here.

Tamara 18:10

Yeah, I've heard that both ways, where the person's like, oh, let me not you know build, you know, give them a big head so they want to leave. Yeah. Yeah.

Paul Roseberry 18:17

It's disturbing. Now, men, I mean, I'll say this is not new for men either. Of course, there was a book called The Game 20 years ago. You remember that? Neil Strauss, uh, and they had negging.

Tamara 18:29

Yeah, I didn't ever hear that book? I didn't read that one. I read his follow-up, The Truth, so but I know of him of the game. So yeah.

Paul Roseberry 18:36

I, you know, I've got to look at the truth. Somebody just brought it up to me because I just turned my back on it so long ago. Uh, you know, I bought the book when it came out, I read 30 pages and I was like, this is disgusting. I'm out of here. And I just didn't even finish. Um, and I paid like 28 bucks for the book or something. I just threw it, I threw it away. But somebody just recently told me he had a second book called The Truth.

Tamara 18:57

Did you find that to be more Yeah, I mean, it's it's what he discovered after trying to do the game world, and you know, it boils down to wanting an actual relationship and trying to make one work.

Paul Roseberry 19:07

So see. Yeah. Well, I'm glad because I always said he should have had a part two called How to Do Dentistry at Home on Yourself after that girl's friend or brother beats your mouth for talking like that. Uh yeah, so guys would use negative statements about a girl to lower her self-esteem. So then she'd look to him as like a source of confidence. It's really that's like a like like a war crime. It's like it's psychological, it's sick. But uh, but yeah, so I mean, with the security, I found that when I see guys who like my my my biggest emotional response is when I see a guy just getting crushed in a relationship, you know, a girl who he's with, not like with today, but like his girlfriend or his wife, and just she is, as you were saying, maybe nags on him or whatever, like bullies the dude. I'll see it. It happens, it's not a secret. And um party was just like what's wrong with you? Why why are you putting up with this? And so you gotta follow that path for him. And you said, well, why? Well, okay, here's why. Most of the time, uh it's out of fear. You know, the guy, the relationship solves a problem for him that he doesn't want to have to face all over again. You know, uh, you know, on base level, there's a guy, you know, maybe there's a guy who's with a girl who's really beautiful. She's the hottest girl he's

The Texting Turnaround Stories

Paul Roseberry 20:40

ever been with. In his mind, she's out of his league. So she can do no wrong. She could do nothing to he would never walk away from this relationship because he feels taller with her, you know, he feels like he gets more respect when people see her with him. So she can then do anything. And when a woman realizes, oh, okay, here's the problem, here's how it relates to security, that woman eventually will realize it's kind of weird. I can do anything to this guy. Because I don't I don't fault women for testing men at all. Uh, you know, on on some level within rational decency. But, you know, if we're talking about a security-based relationship, you want to know this person can provide security. You know what I mean? You want to know they can handle their own. So you're gonna test them a little bit to see if they're for real. And it's protecting your own security to see if they're for real. Because when the guy sees a woman as a solution to a problem, not an interest, a relationship, I believe, should be based on interest. You like this person, you enjoy their company, that's interest. But if you go, oh, I was so tired of being single. It was so hard to get a date. Finally, this girl, you know what? I'll take it. I'll take it. I don't care. I never want to be single again. My parents, I don't want them to rag on me. I mean, I I none of my friends are single anymore. I don't want to be alone. Well, the girl eventually she's gonna go, Oh, so this isn't about me. This is about you having fear. Wait, so you need me to make you feel safe. Ew. Well, what the hell are you talking about? And where it really becomes a problem, not only is it unattractive, but then the woman goes, Oh, I I don't have any security in this relationship. Because if my looks make you feel strong, there's a lot of good-looking women on this planet.

Tamara 22:33

Yeah.

Paul Roseberry 22:34

And even if you're a 10 from a magazine, we all have issues with self-esteem. And you're gonna go, there's a lot of magazines out here. There's a lot of other tens from other magazines. So I'm easily replaced. She can't say, I know why I'm here, and there's 10 points of security. There's one. And I'm easily replaced if it's just looks. We get in one argument. I gain five pounds. I get a new haircut. He grabs some new girl off the subway. This is over. Well, that's not how come then she's gonna go, not only do I have to fear this could end at any time, but also you don't even know me. You haven't put any time into asking me about me, learning about me, being with me for me. This sucks. This is surface. This is junk. And then you get into kind of two options there. If you have a particularly healthy woman, she might say, I'm out. This is stupid. I'm gone. What's worse, scarier, I think, is when you have a woman who may have low self-esteem herself, and she goes, Oh, well, I don't want to go back to dating either. And I hate that I can control you. I know I can control you because you're afraid to lose me at any cost, which means I can do anything and you won't leave. So I own you. And as much as I don't find that attractive, it's comforting in that you won't leave because I won't let you. You know, like I can control you like a robot. So fine. We're gonna be in this like mutually gross relationship for the rest of our lives, and I'm gonna abuse you so that you don't ever feel better than me and leave, and then I'm gonna feel like self-loathing because uh I have to be in a relationship that's based on literally abuse. And uh, but people will do that for 30 years. They'll do it for 50, you know.

Tamara 24:26

So yeah, yeah. I I joked since I used to do stand-up too, that uh we should have rational breakup days. So like everyone when everyone breaks up on the same day, then there'll be all different people in the pools online, and we can all get our actual good match.

Paul Roseberry 24:45

You are a comedian. That's it. I I love it. I love your your your train of thought on that.

Tamara 24:49

Yeah, I mean I was like I would literally fill up all the daps with all the new people and everyone would know they're gonna you know have a new chance.

Paul Roseberry 24:56

So I haven't had a you could have speed baby in the street.

Tamara 25:01

Yeah, of course, if you're married, you have to stay together because it's hard to divorce, but for the single ones who could do it.

Paul Roseberry 25:08

Well, and you know, I mean, even to that, I'll say, you know, I often refer to my wife. I'll mention my wife, but we're actually not married. It's uh we'll be together 12 years in January. Uh, we have a 10-month-old little girl. Um it's my wife, like whatever. Like it just it's it starts to sound like like almost misleading. If you're like, oh, my girlfriend, it sounds like we met, you know, at a diner two months ago or something. Like, no, we're come on, for all intents and purposes. But to your point, I say I'm not a big wedding marriage guy. I'm not huge on it because I say uh we choose each other every day. Yeah. You know what I mean? And if it ever were to not be mutually beneficial uh for any length of time with some work, whatever, um what why would we get lawyers? Yeah.

Tamara 26:00

That sucks. Yeah, especially yeah, if divorce and all that stuff happens, that's when people lose lots of money and lots of animosity fighting through all that. And yeah.

Paul Roseberry 26:12

Tens, if not hundreds, of thousands of dollars I hear. I live in LA. People are crazy lifestyles, you know. I I've seen more than one $300,000 divorce. Like, and that's not who got $300K or splitting. That's like those are the lawyer fees. Unbelievable. I could not. And you know, but also when I lived in New York City, uh, my wife had actually overheard um and she

What The Security Method Means

Paul Roseberry 26:40

was telling me that the neighbors were arguing about how they can't break up because they couldn't afford to move out. This is years ago. They were a young couple. It's pretty hilarious. The stuff you hear through your back window is pretty funny, but uh no, but you know, I I I just I really believe that um, you know, I think that people don't go into relationships with any sort of a plan. And I think that it's, you know, uh, you go into a you know, home buying or car buying, I I researched my TV, my first big TV. I looked for like three months before I bought it, and I still did it wrong, you know, like uh, and that was just a TV. I think I spent 900 bucks. Um, but I I really thought about what I wanted and and looked around. And so um I think that relationships, if we come up with any sort of a strategy, which is what I like to help people with. I like to help people come up with a plan, you know, I like to get them in a position to get what they want because you have to know what you want first. And you got to know who you are. What do you bring to the table? Who are you looking to meet? What does an ideal relationship look like? That that that that's a battery of questions that may sound stressful, but you must if you want to keep them at least and have a good one. I mean, hey, yeah, if you just want to be a serial dater forever, you know, I sure uh but you know, then just be comfortable with that and be honest with yourself if that's what you want. But if you want to be in a monogamous long-term relationship that and one that you enjoy, then you've got to be pragmatic about it. You and and that what I like to do, I offer everybody um, I call it the fives. And the fives is it's an exercise where I tell people write down the five things that you bring to a relationship that are valuable. What are five great things about you that anybody would be glad to meet somebody who has those qualities in a relationship? Um what are five things you'd like to see in a partner? And be flexible, you know, like it this isn't like end all be all. And when I say five, I mean write like 10, write like 15, 20 things. Don't it doesn't have to be today. Just, you know, start the list and then as time goes on, like chip away at it, chip away, and then move to whatever's in the top five, you know, to really you're learning about yourself. Who are you, you know, and what are some of the things that you want to find a person? And you're gonna have this list. And is everybody to check all the boxes? No, but at least what we're doing, and I especially I offer this to men because I think women are naturally more inclined to be more um somewhere between inquisitive and apprehensive about uh who a man is before they get serious, which is good. It's smart, thank God. Where men will be like, oh, you see that girl across the bar who just walked in? Yeah. I'm gonna marry her one day.

Tamara 29:37

Yeah, I've heard that a lot.

Paul Roseberry 29:39

What the hell are you? What the hell are you talking about? It sounds romantic in a movie, but it on paper, you're like, oh, okay, so based on how somebody looked from a distance, you're gonna commit the rest of your life, your financial life, your living situation, your parenting situation. Like, are you out of your mind? No wonder things blow up all the time. Whereas women, you might be on the fifth date and you didn't even know there was something that's been, you know, question that's been chewing at her that she's afraid to ask, but it's important, you know, and you're like, really? We're still wow. Okay. And I I say men should borrow that from the women's playbook. Write down these lists, you know. What are what are five things to be totally real with yourself? What are five things you are afraid for somebody else to see about you? Meaning, what are some things that you think why why why would somebody not want to be with you? In your own opinion. They may not even be valid, but these are the things that we we often paint ourselves negatively uh for a hundred reasons. You know, we just shouldn't, you know, but we we don't take the time to build a personal awareness of our value, you know, of our strengths. And so we don't even know we're doing it. But you know, I say like when when a guy goes to a bar and he's a young dude and he's, you know, goes up before he goes up to a girl, he gets nervous and he's thinking, God, you know, he's got to build up kind of the guts to go up to her. Well, the reason is because he's thinking to himself, he's playing her agent and pitching her away from you. Like we're doing it to ourselves. We're saying, if I were her, I would choose a better-looking guy, a guy who makes more money, a cooler guy, because she's hot. She probably deals with the coolest dudes, and I'm a dork compared to who she normally gets. So this is only gonna go poorly. I'm just doing this to get worked up, and then I'm gonna get smoked. And uh, you know, and and then that's how it goes. Because then you go up nervous, your palms are sweaty, you're like uh talking at a weird speed, whatever. But I encourage guys to flip the interview. And by flip the interview, I mean think about it. If you've decided, all right, do you fives? I have a lot of value. I bring along to a relationship. Hadn't thought about it before, but I actually do. There's reason for me to be valuable to anybody on some level. I know what I want from a relationship, reasonably speaking, and I know I've decided I'm gonna be in one. I'm going to be in a relationship, whether it's today, tomorrow, next year, I don't know, but we're doing this 100%. Like we're not coming home without it at some point. Then you go, okay. Well, then realistically, we now realize you can only get into a serious monogamous relationship with one person. So now you start to flip your mindset from fear to abundance, and you go, wait a minute, wait, hold on. This means that I should be more selective because I can only pick one person. I I've I should actually try to learn more about these people when I meet them. And so now that same guy standing at the bar, he goes, Okay, this girl's attractive. She's cute. Maybe she smiled nicely when she was with her friends. She might be fun. I don't know. I don't know. But I'd like to know more. And if she's not who I'm looking for, then it's just cool to have met her.

When Fear Drives Bad Relationships

Paul Roseberry 33:20

And I can walk away. No big deal. And then you start to become the perfect guy. Like literally, what women say, you know, oh, you know, you go up to her and you start asking her questions. So what it what are those questions about? They're about her. Everyone's favorite topic is themselves. You start asking her about her. So she's already having a good time because she's talking about herself. You don't even have to be there. It's just a good moderator of questions. Then when she speaks, you want to know the answer. You ask questions for a reason. So you're listening. And then when she's answering and you're listening, it leads to more questions that you're curious about. And then she's like, oh my God, I'm at the greatest guy. He he's so interested in me. He's so good at uh at listening. And then he pays attention and he cares about what I have to say. Oh.

Tamara 34:08

Yeah. And not common enough.

Paul Roseberry 34:12

Yeah. And yet when you look at it from this perspective of what did you just do? You exercised a security principle. You've used security to protect your interest in a great relationship. You're not just going to take anybody. The walls of Troy are not knocked down. You know, like you've got, and you're not an armorist, so you're weird and we talk to people, but you've committed that you have to protect your own time. You only have enough time in your life to be with one person you're really serious about. And, you know, it doesn't mean you can't go on a few dates with a girl and find out maybe it's a fit, maybe it isn't. Whatever. It's not like, oh, I like you, so we're married. You know, but you know, when you get into something with somebody that you're looking with purpose. And you can only narrow it down to one person. In time, you're gonna meet some people who you're like, oh, it's a good conversation for a few minutes, and you're like, well, it's really nice to meet you. I gotta go do this thing. You know, I gotta go meet my buddy or whatever. You know, it was a great, great chat. And that same guy used to be so nervous and get turned down by every girl, but it's because now he's actually been present and asking for the right reasons. You know, that girl might be like, you don't want my number? Like, what do you mean you gotta go? No guy has walked away from me without wanting my number, even whether they're gonna call me or not. Interesting, you know, like, and it's it makes it more fun because now you've brought value to somebody. You brought, you know, the you're an interesting person for them to have met. Maybe you just become friends, I don't know, you know, but at least you're not constantly feeling like the little guy who's gotta fight his way into being worth somebody else's time. Absolutely not. And if you feel that way, then start at the beginning. Start where we talked about look at yourself. What do you bring to a relationship? And you've got to be more excited about the things you bring than you are afraid of the things that work against you. And when that shifts, then it's it's I hate to take the emotion out of it. It's just marketing, it's just PR. You know? Do you have the best microwave in town? You know, well, hey, everyone's gonna want it. But if you're like, oh, this thing is clunky and okay, you know, it's it's like selling anything else. Yeah. Yeah.

Tamara 36:26

Do you want to talk about how people can reach you and work with you?

Paul Roseberry 36:30

And maybe I I just realized time has flown. Chew it all up. Um, yeah, people can reach me. My name is Paul Roseberry. Uh just like it sounds Roseberry, uh, like blueberry, but with a rose. Um, paulroseberry.com is my website. I do offer coaching. Uh, also, you can reach out to me with just a like a question. You just got a question or two. I love hearing people reach out with questions. I'm happy to shoot you back a thought. Uh, I am I've got a podcast I do with some friends called Vent This. It's comedically based. You know, it's basically if you have a vent, if you have something that annoys you, people cut you off in traffic and they don't wave or like, you know, pineapple on a pizza, whatever. If something that annoys you, write to us, let us know, and uh we'll talk about your your gripe and and we'll either agree with you or we won't, and we'll break it down. We'll give you a solution either way. Um, and it's it's pretty humor-based. But we do, as time's gone on, more people are actually writing in to me specifically for relationship advice because it's it's a frustration point, it's a vent as well. So uh yeah, hit me up on paulroseberry.com. Um, my Instagram is Paul underscore roseberry underscore and uh you know, DM me. Let me know. We can talk about coaching if you want to do like a real, you know, get together. Or like

The Fives Exercise For Clarity

Paul Roseberry 37:50

I said, I I just want the world to be a better place. I know that sounds altruistic and cheesy, but I I liken it to being a chiropractor when you like see someone's back is all like this, and you're like, can I just crack you, please? Like for me, because I can't look at that. Like, you must be so uncomfortable. Can you just let me help you? My God. That's funny.

Tamara 38:15

As someone who goes to chiropractor, I'm like, yes.

Paul Roseberry 38:18

I've been as well. It's you walk out, you're like, oh my god, I didn't realize I was three inches shorter and walking around and like a letter S. I didn't know, wow, this is how do I do this every day, you know? Yeah.

Tamara 38:31

Do you want to finish any of the security stuff? Like to get or make a final comment about it, or you think you covered it? Yeah.

Paul Roseberry 38:38

I mean, I would say the key to security is that it's for one, it's mutually beneficial. Men and women are both served by it. Uh it it's, you know, it's one of these things. I can't stress enough. It's not a one-sided solution. It's like, oh, be a man and say some like over-the-top stuff, and then, you know, it no no no. It's good for both. Um and it really applicable anywhere. It's it it it's it's a method of self-confidence, really, and how to share your how to build your own self-confidence and then show people how your confidence can be exciting to them. And then probably they're gonna want to follow you and start to act similarly. So it's about any kind of relationship uh at work, your friends, your family, obviously romantic, uh, and ultimately the relationship with yourself. I think it's I think it's a critical way. Um, is it the only way to look at life? No. You know, is it the language that works for everybody? Probably not, you know, but I do believe it's a very clear, it's kind of like uh it's like a lighthouse, you know, in the dark. You know what I mean? Once you get it, you just know right, you you just get it. And it applies whether you're starting to date early in relationships or have been married 20 years. It's it's a fundamental system for enjoying relationships. So it's uh it's something I love to talk about. It's you know, would be too much to cram.

Tamara 40:08

And did you say you are gonna write a book or you did write a book or you want to write a book?

Paul Roseberry 40:13

No, I'm I'm gonna need to write a book. I uh I I I haven't written it yet. You know, the security method, it um it needs to be done because I I I even get into some philosophical um sort of uh, you know, I would say even spiritual perspectives on how to really look at ourselves and separate our identity that we were born into as opposed to you know how we really feel sometimes. Because I think in a nutshell, what I mean by that is that, you know, say you're like born into a poor family, you might feel your whole life like like you're poor, like you're not part of the classes, you're part of the masses or whatever. But, you know, don't forget, it's kind of like an actor in a script. We can separate to some degree and just recognize so many things that we take responsibility for in our lives that stress us out and maybe make us feel poorly, they were handed to us. Not almost nothing to do with us, you know. So I think it's important in life to take, find a way to understand how to consider to separate the actor from the script. And it's like when you see an actor get interviewed and they're all relaxed and chilled, they're in their own clothes, even though last week they were a raving crazy person in a movie, you know, they're like, well, yeah, that was me then, because that's what I was doing, and that's I was committed to that role while I was there. But at the end of the day, when I go home, this is how I dress, you know, like and to be able to find your true self, your own true interests. And that's

Flip The Interview And Choose Better

Paul Roseberry 41:45

again how you get into finding the best way to look for people who are gonna be an an interest fit for relationships. You gotta know you. Okay.

Tamara 41:56

Yeah, I've heard it said like you are born into this or whatever. Like you're born in, you're given the stuff that you're you want how you wound up being. That's what it is. How you wound up being, but you don't have to continue to be that way. You can choose for yourself, but you can.

Paul Roseberry 42:10

You can, and it doesn't even have to be some radical where you like don't come back. Like it just it's just a way to kind of, you know, I don't know if you've like for me as a gear head, like in a car, uh like a five-speed, you hit the clutch and it separates the transmission from the engine for just a minute. You know, the engine can spin and the transmission doesn't need the pressure, and it just that little bit of separation to breathe for a sec. And then you go right back to being you, but you can go back to you with a fresh perspective. And it doesn't have to feel like it's a burden that you have to carry because it was given to you and you've never thought to ask why. You can go back to a life of of interest, like an at-will. I call it at-will living. When you get a job somewhere, every every application says if you're hired, it is at-will employment, meaning you only come here because you want to, and we only give you uh hours because we want to. If either of us don't want to, then we don't really have to get into it. This is just we don't want to anymore, you know, it's no hard feelings. And I think life feels so often like a like a burden, like uh something that like it's it's a series of responsibilities we were handed, and and and if you don't solve it, then you're a failure. And and that sucks, but I think a lot of us feel that way. I know I've I've felt that way, you know, I still to this day in certain ways. But if you can really visually kind of separate, go, that you know what, that boulder was rolling down the mountain long before I was I ever even got here. What are the chances of me stopping that and thinking that if I don't, then I'm a I shouldn't even stand in the way, actually. Maybe I should just kind of let life be a little and then catch my breath and decide where I want to go for lunch, you know, like it's uh so it's I my point is, you know, some of the stuff that I get into that that will will be in the book will be um related to security. But you don't have to go that deep to take the relationship model uh for

Where To Find Paul And Final Takeaways

Paul Roseberry 44:05

for help.

Tamara 44:06

Okay. All right. Well, thank you very much for being on. And if you like this episode, be sure to tell your friends about it and rate it as well. But thank you again, Paul. Great stuff. Thank you.

Paul Roseberry 44:16

Thank you very much. Frank Talk! Frank Talk! Sex and dating educates.