How To Avoid Being Creepy Without Becoming Her Buddy #144

We talk with dating mentor Shelly Badayos about why most modern dating advice fails once you want something real, and how confidence starts with changing the patterns you bring into relationships. We dig into attachment styles, safety, respect, and the small cues that help you move forward without rushing or stalling. 
• shifting from performance-based dating advice to internal work that lasts 
• using attachment style theory to spot repeating patterns and triggers 
• somatic work and inner child healing to break people-pleasing cycles 
• understanding safety as a core need for many women 
• naming respect and being understood as key needs for many men 
• finding the right pace to avoid the friend zone or coming on too strong 
• reading open body language and engagement before advancing touch 
If you love this episode, be sure to tell your friends about it and rate it as well. 

Transcript

Welcome And Guest Introduction

Tamara 0:00

Hello, Tamara here. Welcome to the show. Today's guest is Shelly Badayos, a certified life coach and dating mentor for single men who are tired of getting friend zoned and want something real. Thanks for joining me, Shelly.

Shelley Badayos 0:12

Hi. Welcome, welcome. Thank you for having me.

Tamara 0:14

I know your story a little bit, but do you want to share with the listeners how you came to do this?

Shelley Badayos 0:21

Oh, it was it's a very, very interesting story because I stumbled upon this by accident. First of all, um, I started actually working as a nurse. And then in the middle of the pandemic, I started having this kind of like life crisis. I was like, hmm, um, I'm not really sure if I still wanted to do nursing. And then accidentally I stumbled upon um coaching. And then um, as I saw also myself with my relationships as well around me, like I've been going through a lot of toxic relationships and um learning more about dating as well, along with while learning coaching. That's when I discovered, oh, um, I think it's time for me to also um check in with myself and kind of update on on how I approach dating. And then now um I noticed that when I had this glow up and when I had better relationships, um, I'm currently in a relationship as well. Um, my guy friend started approaching me for dating advice. And then I was like, hmm, I'm kind of good at this. And then that's when I started um really diving into or like becoming doing um dating or becoming a dating coach full-time and then helping guys, starting to help guys more because I know that both men and women at the end of the day want the same thing. It's just having a better connection and good partners.

Tamara 1:49

Yeah, yeah, definitely. And everyone says it's it's hard to date right now, so it's yeah, definitely. Any advice we can get out there will be good.

Why Dating Needs Inner Work

Tamara 1:58

And do you want to talk about your program now, or is there more to say before we start about the actual program, the dating with confidence?

Shelley Badayos 2:05

Um well, my program is also diving deeper into more internal work and then applying that on dating as well. Because what I've noticed is a lot of the programs that um are being sold online is more so related to just the performance aspect of it and focusing more on the game. And there's not really a good lasting result in terms of like really having better relationships with women. And it's good for like getting their intention and having something short term, but a lot of these men want something long term, you know. So that's what it focuses on.

Tamara 2:43

Yeah, I know you talked about, well, there's all kinds of stuff out there. Yeah, to say the right thing, get the girl, but then once you get her, what are you gonna do? So you have to.

Shelley Badayos 2:52

What am I gonna do? Yeah, yeah. What am I gonna say? It's always that. What am I gonna say? What am I gonna do? But it's not so is this the right fit for me? You know? Is this really for me?

Tamara 3:03

Yeah, and what kind of stuff do you have them focus on? I know you it's oh good. I know I see you mentioned m mindset, but wherever you want to go with it.

Shelley Badayos 3:13

Yeah, yeah. So I do um first focus on like knowing their attachment style. So attachment style theory. And also, I don't know if you're familiar with somatic work or inner child healing as well. I do that with them as well, so that they could focus on really what's going on within themselves that's keeping them stuck in the same pattern, whether it's dating the same girl or getting friend zoned a lot or not even having the courage to ask a girl. Like really focusing on that first so that we don't end up in the same pattern anymore and we can break free from that so that they have a better relationship with themselves and their dating life as well.

Tamara 3:55

Yeah, I have had a couple episodes on that, but it I mean it's always good to hear a different perspective. But yeah, especially if they have don't even know that something, so there's a pattern that they're not even aware of.

Shelley Badayos 4:06

So yeah, yeah. And it's funny because like um usually when they start becoming better with other aspects of their life, like they say um they're already better or like they're good with their like career or business, but they can't seem to get dating in place. That means that there's something that they're still not addressing in that part of their lives. And usually it's attached to, you know, our relationship with also our parents as children, and we don't even know that too. So we we really dig deep into that as well.

Tamara 4:41

Okay. And do you wanna yeah, and then I and I guess you were saying you're stuck in a cycle of toxic relationships where you finally do you want to talk at all about that or just go into more of what you how you help men?

Breaking Toxic Relationship Patterns

Shelley Badayos 4:53

Yeah, um, because um, I think for me, how I how how this, how like I stumbled with dating and relationships in general, and how this became a passion for me is because I've been there too. I've been stuck in the same pattern of like people pleasing and just really picking up the crumbs that other men would leave me and thinking that, oh, this is what a normal dating life would look like because this is what was modeled to me. And um, I realized that this is not something what I wanted when what happened to me was I this was uh like a really, really toxic relationship where a guy raised his hand at me and I said, This is not it. I don't want somebody who will physically hurt me. Something has to change. And that was like the aha moment for me to be like, I need to do something about this. And once that happened, that's when I started really honing in on like confronting myself and noticing, okay, it's not really about the people around me, it's also about me.

Emotional Skills Men Can Build

Shelley Badayos 6:02

Yeah, and a lot of a lot of the times too, like what I'm noticing and when these men approach me for dating advice is you know, like, and it's it's getting better nowadays. It's getting better nowadays where um men are becoming more emotionally in tune because us women we're very we're very intuitive, we're very emotional creatures, and one way to be better at interacting with us is to relate to us emotionally, and so this is what I'm teaching men too, and it deals with a lot of like confronting themselves. And so the same thing that I've applied to myself is the same thing I'm teaching to these men and also how to relate to women better too.

Tamara 6:42

Yeah, I see. I do have a lot of episodes about just the different, just how different we are, and no people don't really understand. Like you can be saying you think you're having the same conversation or yeah, on the same page in a conversation, and realize you're just speaking past each other because men and women are so different.

Shelley Badayos 6:59

They are, but um again, it's we just want the same thing, and we're just mis misunderstanding each other. Yeah, and it's like if we could just come from a place of like and this is why my my my my girlfriends are asking me, why are you not coaching women? Why are you coaching men? But it's because like who is a better person to coach men than women because we women understand how we are and we have to tell them how we are, or else they're if other men coach them, yes, sometimes like it's right, but then a lot of the times when some of my clients and I have some some clients that had a dating experience with other men, some of the things that they teach about women is very misleading and um they have a misguided like oh you have to appear dominant or women like this kind of things and that kind of things. Well, when all women want is just the feeling of safety. We just want to feel safe with somebody because a lot of a lot of the times, like this this world is just it's for us women, it feels unsafe for us. There's just a lot of like people taking advantage of us, or the cat calling, or we don't know what the intentions of these men are, you know. There's some men that some men out there that are just who just want to take advantage of us, and this is why safety is so important to establish with women.

Tamara 8:30

Yeah, definitely.

Shelley Badayos 8:31

So yeah.

Safety For Women And Respect For Men

Tamara 8:32

Yeah. And yeah, like just walking through a parking lot where we have to like look around and think someone could grab us, and men just don't they just don't really think they need to ever go there, so they don't realize how. Yeah. Um I've been in that situation where we're trying to explain like why safety is so important, and I think some men still just don't because it's so far out of what their norm. So they don't always get it. But yeah.

Shelley Badayos 8:55

Yeah, yeah.

Tamara 8:57

And then you also said that what men want generally is their well and being to be respected is like the biggest thing for them. Like we want safety, they need respect. Is there anything else you say about that or what other else men need from women?

Shelley Badayos 9:14

Well, I feel like for for men, what they need from women is yeah, that's true, respect, and but I think that goes both ways in a party, but also to be understood. Um, I think that goes as well for both parties. It's just a matter of like um having somebody who supports them in a world where people think that men should appear a certain way too. I think this is where men are being misunderstood a lot. Like men are expected to be the provider, the the strong person in the household, the leader, la di da di da di da. But then sometimes they do feel tired, they do feel like they have to collapse and just like be vulnerable at the end of the day. And this is what men need from women is just to have that support and uh somebody that who they can be themselves with, you know? Yeah, and I think this is where a lot of men were conditioned to appear strong, and this is where they're missing out the opportunity to connect with with women because women do appreciate this bull uh the vulnerability behind it. I think this is what also uh establishes the safety that we can trust this person because we know this person is showing us their true callers, they're they're being vulnerable to us. So I think when we come to that point of just like seeing each other eye to eye and understanding each other, that's when we get what we want from each other.

Tamara 10:50

Yeah.

Shelley Badayos 10:50

And that's a beautiful thing. So yeah.

Tamara 10:53

Yeah, and I would say giving each other the benefit of the doubt when instead of assuming the worst, like when there when there is misunderstandings, like there are going to be, you know, don't automatically like assume it's gonna be the best or the best version of what they're trying to say, or their intention is something good, or even ask a question, like Did you mean to say this? I it felt like that.

Shelley Badayos 11:13

Yeah, no, yeah. And it sucks because, like, this is what I see this in my friends too. Like, some men and some women, both sides, they assume like all women are like this, or all men are like this, and it just robs the opportunity of giving the people who aren't like that a shot. Yeah, and this is why also dating is becoming hard nowadays because like in social media, like all of the worst, like the best and the worst scenarios are being presented in social media, and we are expected to believe that this is how it is, just in general. When when you step out, there's like more to that, and it's not all like that, and it robs us the opportunity of just being curious and being open to the experiences and other people.

Tamara 12:05

Yeah, yeah, especially. I mean, now everyone has advice on Instagram, like you're saying, the social media, and some of it's like really good and some of it's not, but you don't know which till you until you like try it and

How To Work With Shelly

Tamara 12:17

realize. But yeah, it's do you want to talk about how people can work with you, like how to reach you or your websites or your social media?

Shelley Badayos 12:24

Yeah, yeah, definitely. So I'm very active on Instagram, that's my main um platform. Um, they could reach out, just send me a DM, and then um what I'll do is if they I will just qualify them first, and if they are a right fit for what I do, then we'll hop on a quick call to see um if we're a perfect fit for each other. Um, and yeah, because it's just basically a vibe check first. Like I know that it's not just me who's gonna qualify you, but you're also gonna check if you like me. And then after that, um, I'm gonna basically walk you through what working with me looks like, and then um when everything is all um all a perfect fit, then we'll move forward to working with me. Um, working with me would look like um it's gonna usually I have like different programs that I offer. You can go from just one session alone, you can we can do that to like a full package of one-on-one coaching with me for like the whole four months. And um, it's one-on-one. You have my full attention, and then we both have um like also group coaching and also um like the modules and the programs that they could go through at their own pace. So yeah.

Tamara 13:41

And where can they find that?

Shelley Badayos 13:43

I know um I have that information, but just so if they're listening and we can, you know, what's your Yeah, so they could follow me at on Instagram at Shelly S H E L L E Y Badayos, B A D A Y O S, or um they could go to my website, it's go dot coaching with seashells dot com slash um dating with confidence. That's the whole website, and they could apply there.

Tamara 14:10

Okay. All right. Well, do you want to say more about um how you work with them or what you've seen in dating, or some of the biggest I guess, mistakes men make and what you would say not to do or to do about it? Whichever of the three.

Moving Too Fast Or Too Slow

Shelley Badayos 14:25

I think one of the biggest mistakes that um men do make when it comes to dating is I think either moving too fast or too slow. Um, there are times when men think that women are ready for the touch aspect of dating, or they're ready to advance, even though they're just being nice to them and they move too fast, and that's how you get branded as a creep. While other men, what they do is they're they've been talking for like a couple of months now, and they're not doing any any type of forward movement to progress the relationship, and going too long without doing anything or to advance the relationship, women would think that they just want them as friends, and sometimes when women already establish in their head, like, oh, we're friends, it's hard to get out of that mindset for them. And so, really finding the perfect time to to be in the middle of like not moving too fast or not moving too slow, like this is how you get friend zoned, and this is how you get branded as a creep. And I know both of those are um men's like biggest fear like getting friend zoned and being called as creepy, and some men stop like approaching women because they don't want to appear as creepy, or men stop um really um confessing their real um feelings for this person that they've been close with because they don't want to get friend zoned, they just want to play it safe. But the reality of this is you have to really take the risk, or else you're not gonna get any payoff from this.

Tamara 16:11

Yeah. And when you say advanced, are you saying like even like a kiss at the end of a date or something like that, or like show affection and show interest?

Shelley Badayos 16:19

Yeah, yeah, like really being honest, and this is the key term here being honest and vulnerable with their intentions and feelings. Sometimes they just say, Oh yeah, we're friends, yeah, and they don't do anything about that anymore. They don't even try to flirt when it comes to people who are getting friend zone. But then there are some men who are just very aggressive about it, thinking that, oh, if I don't do my move now, it's gonna be too late.

Tamara 16:44

Yeah.

Reading Interest And Touch Progression

Tamara 16:45

And do you give a do you give advice on like how to read the room, like how to know if a woman is interested or not? Like what's some of the best ways you would tell a guy to see or look for before they try?

Shelley Badayos 16:56

Yeah, definitely, definitely. Um if a woman is engaging, responsive, maintains an open body language, meaning um their hands are not close to each other, they're leaning towards you and they're trying to to close the gap between you and her, like the space between the two of you. And she asks, she asks a lot of questions, she keeps a conversation going, that's already a good sign, right? Especially if you're going on a date with this person. That's already a good sign. And this is this is where you can progress the touch. The touch also has its own um progression. Like you start first with a friendly touch, and if she's responsive to that, that's when you move to like touches that um are more intimate. And you have to see if she's responsive to all of your advances or not. If she starts backing away or like having like this subtle cues of like, oh, I don't want that, or nope, she said no, then that means you have to just go back and go back to where you were. So it's a little bit of a dance, but a woman who wants it, she will continue, continue, continue to lean towards you. Um women will give um subtle hints, but not so subtle hints. They will they will hint to you that they like you by just being more closer to you and being more open to you and being more engaging towards you, and they might laugh at your jokes that probably isn't funny too. Like they would excessively laugh at it. And you will have this energy from her that she really wants your company, and that's already a sign that you should go for it.

Tamara 18:37

Do you have like closing comments or final thoughts you want to say, or another point that I forgot to ask that you want to make before we move to?

Authentic Dating And Final Takeaways

Shelley Badayos 18:46

Yeah, um, so for the closing comment, um, I know dating can be hard nowadays because there's a lot of factors that are added to the equation, like dating apps, which now focuses more on the superficial aspect of dating and like these unrealistic expectations set by social media, thinking that we have to find guys who are this kind of qualities. And same with girls, girls who look like this. But at the same time, I think the only way that you can find the right person for you is continuing to put yourself out there and just come from a place of honesty and authenticity. Because this is when you will filter out the wrong people, and this is where you will really find the right person for you who will accept you for who you are as a person, and this is the key to a long-lasting relationship. Just don't hide who you are, just be you.

Tamara 19:47

Yeah, definitely makes sense because if you're trying to stay with them long term and you acted differently the whole time, it's not gonna necessarily go well for you. So, yeah, very good advice. Thank you. And I want to say if you love this episode, be sure to tell your friends about it and rate it as well. And thank you again, Shelly, for being on.

Shelley Badayos 20:04

Yeah, I appreciate it. Thank you for having me.

Tamara 20:07

All right, thank you. All right, thanks everyone. Bye. Frank talk! Frank Talk!

Shelley Badayos 20:13

Sex and dating educate.